Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Traversing the Playoff Landscape

Nuggets vs. Jazz (Jazz up 3-1)

I am losing a pita on this series and I'm not that happy about it.

I watched some of Rick Reilly's piece on ESPN where he came to poor George Karl's house and watched a Nuggets playoff game with him. I never like watching those stupid things that aren't really about sports and are just trying to make me feel bad for not having cancer, but this one was interesting for the personality of the Denver Nuggets.

You picture a coach as a guy who is either like the Zen-master/Brad Stevens type where the coach stays composed and tries to bring stability to a stressful situation or maybe a yeller/screamer type who is consistent but consistently angry to keep you on your toes. Think Mike Ditka or Bob Knight.

Karl reminds me of Bob Huggins. They treat their players like their pet dogs and they acquire players who like/need that treatment. George Karl is wildly emotional just like he were a player. He deeply loves his misfit players and is emotionally devastated when his team plays poorly. The point is, this team is not mentally tough or mentally weak, they're just...well they're what I just said.

The point is, the Nuggets are not winning this series and probably aren't going to win another game in it. Give the Jazz credit, I guess...they're probably on their way to the Western Conference Finals.

Magic vs. Bobcats (Magic won 4-0)

This series was a little sad to me. The Magic never got past first gear, I don't think. Dwight Howard started the series getting into way to much foul trouble which everybody pointed out as a "major" issue, he NEVER adjusted...and it didn't matter. At all. Vince Carter shot horribly the whole series. He improved a little in the last game, but it never mattered anyway. The Bobcats try really hard but it just doesn't matter. They can't score enough. The Magic are so tough but they still have weird mental issues that got 'em against the Lakers and I swear to God must come up to bite them in this playoffs. We'll have way too much time to talk about the Magic soon enough so let's get off this.

Mavericks vs. Spurs (Spurs lead 3-1)

Oddly enough, this series isn't over. Both teams are really really old. The Spurs have been getting by on smoke and mirrors for a while now and it's frankly pathetic that the Mavericks are letting them. The Mavericks like to play junk ball (which is a stupid "strategy" if you want to win in the playoffs) and the Spurs are the perfect team to look at the match up and say, "Well...let's not let them do that."

The Spurs, like the Patriots were in the NFL for the past few years, are simply a hurdle. They are going to play the best basketball. Do you have enough talent and composure to beat them? No? Ok, get outta here.

Sometimes playing that way is good enough to win a title, sometimes it's not. This is Tim Duncan's career.

Hawks vs. Bucks (series tied 2-2)

I don't know what to say about this. The Hawks are really not impressing anyone by splitting the first two games with a team that gets large contributions from Jerry Stackhouse and Kurt Thomas. Tip o' the cap to the Bucks for doing what they're doing and Brandon Jennings is simply a pleasure, but this is a race to be slaughtered by the Magic. It really makes you feel bad for the Bucks, wondering what they could do if Andrew Bogut weren't hurt. Then again, who cares? There's a reason this series is on NBA TV.

Suns vs. Trail Blazers (Suns lead 3-2)

Suns/Blazers is somewhat entertaining.

The Blazers are a bad match up for the Suns, honestly, but not without Roy (at his best) and not without the rest of their size (Oden and Przybilla). What's the outcome? A solid beating by the better team, but confusing wins from the underdog from time to time. I sincerely hope this series ends as soon as possible because I'm worried about all of Brandon Roy's body parts.

Celtics vs. Heat (Celtics lead 3-1)

It's hard to watch Dwyane Wade try to drag his team to wherever it's supposed to be going. Miami had better bring in a hell of a lot of talent to keep him after what they've done to the team during poor Wade's prime years. Dangerous.

I have no idea how good this series is telling me the Celtics are. Their wins haven't been that impressive and the Heat are really not a very good team. I'm not that worried about Boston right now, but I know that old guys really love to say the Celtics are going to beat the Cavs in the 2nd round. It's really gross. Newsflash: it's not good to be old.

Speaking of that, I saw a magazine on the floor of my mom's bathroom that had a picture of Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the cover with the headline, "Hotter at 49 than 29!"

I couldn't be more furious about that insinuation. Nobody is hotter at 49 than 29...NOBODY. Maybe some dude who used to be 400 thousand pounds at 29 and lost it by 49...or something like that. Sure, Julia is still pretty cute for being almost 50, but are you telling me that Elaine Benes wasn't cute? What a horrible insult to 29 year-old JL-D.

Lakers vs. Thunder (series tied 2-2)

The question was posed to a panel of ESPN NBA analysts, "Is Kobe selfish?"

Yes, yes and uhhhhmmmmmmm yes.

Kobe prepares harder than anyone...or as hard...I really have no idea. But he has an array of moves more vast than any perimeter player in the league. The fact that he has developed these moves is an unselfish act because playing at the highest level for your team is unselfish. And that is it.

The reason why Kobe is selfish is because he knows the right way to play and chooses to do whatever it is that he does. His teammates can only have a certain type of enabling personality or they can't coexist. Anyone strong-willed won't stand for a Kobe-dominated regime. This current team is Kobe's world. He had to choose between winning more titles or winning fewer titles with more credit and chose the latter.

Now that he's hurt and not even good anymore, it's just sad. Actually, you know what? It's not sad because it's his fault. He chose not to fix his finger and he chose not to rest. He didn't have to play for the Olympic team. All of those actions were selfish. Taking time off would help the All-Star team he plays for get more comfortable being themselves and they STILL would have the number 1 seed in the West both this season AND last season. Kobe would rather be known as an iron man and have losses blamed on his teammates when they come. He's an asshole.

The Thunder are a delight. They still probably won't win this series...but the COULD. Let's watch!!!!

Cavaliers vs. Bulls (Cavs lead 3-1)

Brian Windhorst, as always, summed it up best in a post-game interview after game 4. He said, and I concur, that after all the discussion about whether to go big or small or to have JJ Hickson or Shaq play more, the only thing that made the difference was the Cavs started trying. This is a series the Cavs will win even if LeBron got hurt (KNOCK ON EVERYTHING!!!!!). I don't know if it will happen tonight, but it will happen, don't worry.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Who Can You Trust?

The old playoff saying goes, "You play nine and trust eight (I think those numbers are right)." Or, as Brian Windhorst described the Cavs' experience last season, you play seven and trust four.

The playoffs are a different animal and sometimes it's hard to know who can be trusted and who cannot. Well, I'm here to tell you.

100% Trustworthy
  • LeBron James
  • Shaq'uille O'neal
  • Delonte West
  • Daniel Gibson
  • Leon Powe
  • Anderson Varejao
That's six players I absolutely trust in the playoffs. Two of them are new (Shaq and Powe) but two of them probably won't play (Powe and Boobie Gibson). Aside from the obvious, here's how I know these guys are up to the task.

Shaq has always been a big game Center. The one criticism of him is that he often doesn't try in games that aren't huge but the reason he even needs an explanation is because sometimes, when you get old, you don't do anything well that you used to. Shaq still has it. Not physically all the time anymore, but he might actually have it together upstairs more than he used to, and I know we all like to think everyone gets smarter as they age, it's not really true.

As for Delonte and Varejao...does anything ever affect them? They both might be so crazy already that they don't even understand pressure. They have a history of playing the same or better when the pressure is on. I'll stake my reputation on all of these guys without blinking.

Boobie and Powe actually have a record of success in big games but they might both be in suits most of the time. What're ya gonna do?

I THINK They're Trustworthy
  • Zydrunas Ilgauskas
  • Antawn Jamison
  • Jamario Moon
  • Anthony Parker
  • Jawad Williams
This seems like a dis to big Z and Jamison but here's what I've got:

I have no doubt Z will just do what he does no matter what the situation. The only reason he's not in the first group is because I don't trust his body. I can see missed 1-footers and dunk attempts on LeBron spoon feeds. It won't necessarily happen, but I've seen it happen. He's frail, but I love 'im.

John Glenn literally 2 hours ago just told me that he can picture Jamison getting really tight in the playoffs and missing everything. I see where he's coming from. Jamison is cut from the Chris Webber/Kevin Garnett cloth of handsome finesse big men with good jump shots and generally likable personalities. I think Jamison has two things over both of those guys.

1. He's not as good as they are.

2. He knows it.

All this means is that he doesn't have nearly as much pressure on him as either of those other guys and he's smarter than they are. Smart enough to realize the situation he's in and adjust. I believe in him but I'm not 100%.

The other three? I trust them enough but I simply don't know them well enough. Jamario won't be put in any position of pressure and neither will Jawad most likely, but Parker could. I'm worried simply about him not being very good. That is his Achilles heel...not being good. He's better than Wally though so I'm not complaining.

Don't Bet On 'em
  • Mo Williams
  • JJ Hickson
Without a doubt the two biggest wild cards in this playoff run for the Cavs. One was overwhelmed last year and one is in his second year and younger than I am. The fact that these guys are the 3rd/4th and 5th option (respectively) is working in their favor. I can't tell you whether these guys will put up in the playoffs but I can tell you this: If they do, the Cavs probably won't play more than 5 or 6 games in any series.

Here's my picks for the first round:

East

1-Cavs over 8-Bulls in 4

2-Magic over 7-Bobcats in 5

3-Hawks over 6-Bucks in 5

4-Celtics over 5-Heat in 7

West

1-Lakers over 8-Thunder in 6

2-Mavericks over 7-Spurs in 6

3-Suns over 6-Blazers in 5

5-Nuggets over 4-Jazz in 6

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Throwin' the Hamma Down!



I wish I could make "Eye of the Tiger" play for this intro. Just hum it.

I can’t believe you all made it an entire year without me guest-blogging without riots in the streets or falling into a collective coma. Well, I’m glad you all survived, but more than a little hurt that you didn’t leave hate comments on Kevin’s blog or his twitter begging for more of my blog entries. Here's how I initially reacted. But I got over it and wrote a kick-ass blog.

Comments should go in the comments section or www.twitter.com/mean_gracie or www.twitter.com/buddiesbullshit.

For those of you who didn’t read last year’s (i.e. if you just got out of prison or actually did just wake up from a coma) here’s how it works:

At the beginning of the playoffs, I rank every player on the Cavs' roster in order of who I want to marry most. Number 15 I would marry if there was some kind of nuclear holocaust, and number 1 I would marry tomorrow no questions asked. Well, I might as one or two questions (i.e. “Do you like cheese?”), but basically a wedding would immediately follow the initial meeting.

LET’S DO IT!

15.) Sebastian Telfair. No surprise here. First of all, he was kind of a confusing addition in mid-February in our big Antawn move. But now I understand: we were planning on resting everyone awesome on our team for the last four games, and needed SOMEONE to be on the court. The good news here is, he makes the top 5 for “Most Awesome Names on the Cavs”. He probably doesn’t even know it’s from Shakespeare.

14.) Jawad Williams. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jawad is not a name. It’s not even mashing two named together. What would those names be? Jason and…Wad? The point is, I would never say, “Have you met my husband, Jawad?”

13.) Anthony Parker. He’s getting old. Now, I know some people are higher than him on the list that are older than him, but to be fair: they are much, much better than him, AND they are much, much more often answers on Sporcle, which, as we all know, is the true measure of success. He does already have a kid, which is a selling point. But…that kid is 8. The cuteness to age ratio is notoriously high (i.e. one year old/100 cuteness), so I mean, that kid is pushing it. Even if he is black.

12.) Leon Powe. I’m going to be honest here. Leon was going to be number 14. Then I read about his life and remembered that ESPN special from like two years ago, and honestly, his life is shitty enough without coming in that low on my list. Imagine every terrible thing that could happen to you in your life. All of those things happened to Powe before middle school. So, Leon Powe, congratulations, you made the top 80%. Chin up, kid.

11.) Danny Green. Well, listen, Danny was pretty good on Cavaliers Family Feud, but nowhere near the most hilarious. His Feud skills got him this high, but the fact that his dad had 400-something pounds of cocaine in his possession is not okay. I want my kid to call their grandpa “Pappy” not “Who’s that man not wearing any pants?” I also don’t need any kind of cocaine-baby powder mix-up. I just don’t.

10.) Jamario Moon. It may seem a little surprising that Jamario is this high. Most of it is that when Bron didn’t play these last few games, Jamario did the chalk toss AND threw the hammer down. In the immortal words of Austin Carr, “If at first you don’t succeed, you throw the hammer down.”

9.) Anderson Varajao. Slipping down one spot from last year. Mostly because I still don’t believe his hair is clean and it has to have gotten dirtier in a year.

8.) Antawn Jamison. Okay, new addition to the team, vital to the championship bid. Also, hilarious that it was a typo that led his name to being “Antawn”.

7.) Daniel Gibson. I know, I know, Boobie fell a significant three spots. The thing is, he just had a baby with Keshia Cole, and I’m pretty sure that girl can take me. I mean, I’m scrappy, but why fight when I can have someone whose playing time wasn’t cut by like, a million percent? Still adorbs though.

6.) Zydrunas Ilgauskus. Z. Moving up four spots. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” TRUTH.

5.) J.J. Hickson. I’m still confused about his name being JJ, but JJ not being his initials. However, he was on the winning team on the Feud, did great in fast money (minus saying “Rogaine” for a profession) and I almost had a heart attack when he was on the trading block. Sheesh.

4.) Delonte West. Delonte just keeps moving up. Holding a toothbrush during the Feud? Classic. We can be OCD together. I know he had a rough year/life with all the guns, etc, but, all I can say is (and, LITERALLY, all he can say is), “get the money”.

3.) Mo Williams. Mo, sliding down one spot. This is not because I love him any less. Love the Godfather theme song. Love Mo, but…

2.) Shaquille O’Neal. I mean, c’mon…KAZAAM. Movie star and basketball star?! Bring it. Bring. It.

1.) LeBron James. Who else could it possibly be? Adorable little kids, awesome sneakers…and, oh yeah, the best player in the world. I bet he will let me wear his gold medal.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

NBA Awards Ballot

You may have noticed I skipped the entire month of March. Well, deal with it.

Also, I have a twitter account that I almost never use. I don't remember what my name is on it but I don't think it's very tricky...you figure it out.

Right before the GB All Stars time of year (the most anticipated post of the year, mainly because I don't write it), I have to do my rankings for MVP and the like. I might go off the map with some of these...we'll see.

By the way, I just decided I'm going to write about the MVP and ROY but will not defend my other picks.

MVP

5. Pau Gasol

I was contemplating putting Rajon Rondo here. Without Rondo, I'm not sure the Celtics break .500. They at least never beat any team with an average vertical over a certain number.

I'm going with Gasol. From the Cavs' point of view, I'm afraid of two teams: Orlando and the Lakers (mainly Orlando). I'm not afraid of them because of The Mamba, in fact I'm counting on him pulling his typical playoff shit (overshooting, trying to live up to the idea that he's as good as Jordan and failing miserably...the classics). The guy I'm worried about is Gasol. If you're trying to beat the Lakers, a top three team, and you have a choice to remove one player of your choice, you're choosing Gasol (if you're smart). He's the best player on the team although you're not allowed to say it, which is another reason he gets the nod for number five. He has to sit back and take all the blame when they lose and get no credit, even for the victories in which Kobe does not play and he goes 20 and 20. What do you hear after those performances?

"Kobe must be thinking, 'Where's that been all year??'"

You know all those 11-33 box scores you throw up, Kobe? That's where Pau's good games are. Idiot.

4. Dwyane Wade

Wade continues to put on a poor man's (not THAT poor) LeBron show with this Miami team which still remains a sort of "who cares" situation. The fact remains, he is probably the second best player in the league and is very very valuable to his team but his team isn't very good...so there you go.

That said, he, along with LeBron, does the best job of making up for his team's shortcomings. Similar to Peyton Manning, you can't even picture the Heat without him. The Heat cease to exist. But if the Heat didn't exist, would that be a big deal? That's the real question here.

3. Kevin Durant

It seems insane that I'm putting a second-year player this high and I'm damn close to putting him higher, does it not?

To be honest, I haven't seen very many Kevin Durant games this season which is one big reason I'm so excited for the playoffs. The Durantula (awesome) is not only valuable to his team, he's valuable to the NBA because he's the leader of a new up-and-coming baller-ass team. Excuse me for the lingo (you can't call it "urban" or "hip-hop" lingo because it's just a loser adaptation that I use because I only hang out with like, ten different people), but that's what it is. It's an exciting and cool young team whose best player is in his second year. How cool!!!

2. Dwight Howard

Hate 'im.

(Sigh...)

The fact is, he's the reason the second best team in the league is even legitimate. He's extremely intimidating on defense. Nobody likes getting blocked, especially NBA players with huge egos, so he prevents more points than just his blocks even though he's a moron for blocking all the balls out of bounds. He's also a filtering mechanism in the Eastern Conference. You can no longer get to the Finals in the East without having a big strong Center no matter how good you are at everything else. The only teams with a chance to beat Orlando are the Cavs (Shaq and Z) and the Celtics (Kendrick Perkins) and it's because of Dwight. What a queer.

1. LeBron James

I write and think about LeBron James too much already. There's no more I can really say about him until these playoffs are over. Then I might never stop.

Rookie of the Year

3. Brandon Jennings

It's hard to put anyone who shoots 37% from the field anywhere, I don't know, good...but he is pretty good. He's a punk-ass who isn't afraid of anybody and definitely improved his team.

2. Stephen Curry

Hold on...

1. Tyreke Evans

Alright, Bowl...

If anyone than me or Bowl even reads this stuff, they'd know that Bowl and I had a discussion as to who was the best player in the draft. I said Steph Curry and he Said Tyreke Evans and we both said the other on was an idiot and it turns out we were both right (or wrong...however you want to look at it).

Because Tyreke had the more consistently impressive statistical season, I have to pick him. They both benefitted from being on hideous teams, although Steph, I argue, had a Nellie advantage curbed by playing with one of the bigger ball-hogs in the league in Monta Ellis.

The point is, Bowl may have won the battle, but I still think Curry is going to be a better player in the end. A guy who plays like Curry, someone who actually thinks about what he's doing and whose game is based around skill over athleticism, I don't know if you expect him to be perfect his rookie year. I still am not convinced Tyreke is going to learn anything. I'm probably wrong, but whatever. I refuse to concede to Bowl.

Defensive Player of the Year

1. Dwight Howard
2. Gerald Wallace
3. Rajon Rondo

Coach of the Year

1. Scott Skiles
2. Jerry Sloan
3. Scott Brooks

6th Man of the Year

1. Jamal Crawford
2. Manu Ginobili
3. Anderson Varejao

Most Improved Player

1. Kevin Durant
2. Andrew Bogut
3. George Hill

Well that's it. In the next few days, some weirdo named Gracie is going to write something for some reason so read that I guess.