The final division. A division that was owned by the 49ers when I was a lad, now belongs to the Seahawks (for now). There won't be more than one team with double digit wins here, and I don't think that that team will get any more than 10. But who knows...picks!
1) St. Louis Rams
One time Randy McMichael was on my fantasy team and he had the dreaded "O" next to his name signalling "out." "Is he injured?" I thought. Well, no...but his wife was. Suspended for domestic abuse. With that said, Marc Bulger and Stephen Jackson with a healthy O-Line and a last gas effort from Tory Holt should put these Rams in first place.
Ramstasy: None
2) Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals' receivers are so good, they make Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart look occasionally like a decent quarterback tandem. Even Steve Breaston is good. Unfortunately, their runing game is bad, their defense is bad and their quarterbacks are either frail and fumble a lot (Kurt) or are bad (Leinart). Funny sidenote, Leinart and Vince Young might end up being busts and Troy Smith might be a starting NFL quarterback. It obviously hasn't happened YET, but it's possible. Stay tuned.
Fantasy Cards: Larry Fitzgerald and Matt Leinart (way to lose your starting job, Idiot)
3) Seattle Seahawks
I think it's time for a change of pace with this division. The 'hawks will probably either win it again or be in third, subject to whether any of the other teams in the West decide to stage an uprising. I could be wrong, but I'm calling the end of their pointless reign atop this division, followed by a pointless reign by whoever else takes over. I'm really not sure where this division is going to be honest. Sorry Seattle, first the Sonics, then the Mariners, and now this. Keep your heads up.
Fantaseahawks: Ryan Plackemeier (that's right, our league has a punter)
4) San Francisco 49ers
Excuse me for being pessimistic, but I just don't think I'm buying into the J.T. O'Sullivan era.
Fantasy Niners: ...I don't think so.
I hope everyone enjoyed this glimpse into the future, I know I did (for like, the first two). Some of you might have been thinking during this, "Why did he pick The Bengals to go 8-8? Is he some kind of retarded asshole?" Well first, I don't appreciate that sort of language being thrown around, and second, yes I am Bengals fan and therefore an idiot. I am standing by that pick, but I will make a second prediction: If they lose one of their first two games, they won't go 8-8 and if they lose BOTH of their first two, they're headed back to those fabulous 3-13 years.
Alright...I think we're done here.
Friday, August 29, 2008
NFL Preview Part VII: NFC South
Your girlfriend might know this division as "the teams with the shiny helmets." So do I, actually. Now that Michael Vick is in prison, this division isn't that interesting anymore. I might be more out of touch with this division than any other, so get ready. Picks.
1) New Orleans Saints
I once wrote about how disruptive Jeremy Shockey is and how much it helps The Giants and Eli having him gone, but it helps The Saints just as much getting him. That offense has almost an endless supply of weapons and that should probably be enough to win this division. They used to remind me of The Bengals, but now Cincinnati doesn't even have a good offense anymore so that comparison no longer applies. As long as they get an actual running back to go with Reggie Bush, their offense should be enough for first place.
New Orleans Fantasy: Marques Colston
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs were mysteriously good last year but they weren't good enough to win a Wild Card playoff game at home. Gruden is a good coach, but two of their best offensive players (Joey Galloway and Jeff Garcia) are 37 and 38. If Garcia gets hurt, their backup is Luke McCown. Ouch. Oh, and this team also includes Doucheman Member Jerramy Stevens (I told you he spelled his name like an idiot). I just see any point to this team making the playoffs.
3) Atlanta Falcons
I feel that I have to put these poor bastards (the only team in this division without a shiny helmet) not in last place. It comes down to the fact that I think Matt Ryan is better than Jake Delhomme. I am not a huge fan of Matt Ryan...I'm really not even a fan, I just don't think that Jake Delhomme has ever been good. He looks good when he plays the "may the best man win" strategy throwing to Steve Smith, but Smith is out for the first two games and is threatening to have a bad year with all of his shinanigans. I say Michael Turner, Matt Ryan and Michael Jenkins team up and have a fantastic 5-11 season.
Buddies' Falcons: Michael Jenkins
4) Carolina Panthers
At this point, I'm pretty sick of having to write anything about teams who I think will finish in last place. I say Josh McCown is starting by the end of the season because of either injury, ineffectiveness, or both from Delhomme.
Fantasy Panthers: D.J. Hackett
1) New Orleans Saints
I once wrote about how disruptive Jeremy Shockey is and how much it helps The Giants and Eli having him gone, but it helps The Saints just as much getting him. That offense has almost an endless supply of weapons and that should probably be enough to win this division. They used to remind me of The Bengals, but now Cincinnati doesn't even have a good offense anymore so that comparison no longer applies. As long as they get an actual running back to go with Reggie Bush, their offense should be enough for first place.
New Orleans Fantasy: Marques Colston
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs were mysteriously good last year but they weren't good enough to win a Wild Card playoff game at home. Gruden is a good coach, but two of their best offensive players (Joey Galloway and Jeff Garcia) are 37 and 38. If Garcia gets hurt, their backup is Luke McCown. Ouch. Oh, and this team also includes Doucheman Member Jerramy Stevens (I told you he spelled his name like an idiot). I just see any point to this team making the playoffs.
3) Atlanta Falcons
I feel that I have to put these poor bastards (the only team in this division without a shiny helmet) not in last place. It comes down to the fact that I think Matt Ryan is better than Jake Delhomme. I am not a huge fan of Matt Ryan...I'm really not even a fan, I just don't think that Jake Delhomme has ever been good. He looks good when he plays the "may the best man win" strategy throwing to Steve Smith, but Smith is out for the first two games and is threatening to have a bad year with all of his shinanigans. I say Michael Turner, Matt Ryan and Michael Jenkins team up and have a fantastic 5-11 season.
Buddies' Falcons: Michael Jenkins
4) Carolina Panthers
At this point, I'm pretty sick of having to write anything about teams who I think will finish in last place. I say Josh McCown is starting by the end of the season because of either injury, ineffectiveness, or both from Delhomme.
Fantasy Panthers: D.J. Hackett
NFL Preview Part VI: NFC East
This is probably the most exciting division in football and the location of a lot of my fantasy players. Everybody seems to hate each other and everybody is at least good. I definitely have preferences between teams in this division. Picks, man.
1) Dallas Cowboys
It's not even worth saying that I hate this team anymore. They are now a caricature of themselves with this roster full of unbelievable assholes and a milquetoast at quarterback. Patrick Crayton likes to call out teams they just lost to, Terrell Owens cries when people make fun of his Quarterb...cough, boyfriend, cough cough...Quarterback, Wade Phillips likes to say that he had the better team after a playoff loss...they are the most hate-able team of my football-watching lifetime. The problem is, they are too talented not to win this division. The good news is, they aren't so talented that they will necessarily win the Super Bowl with a team full of I-don't-even-know-whats. I think that any loss to a team in this division could make them all hate each other for at least a few weeks and they have no chance at a Super Bowl Title. Too volatile and too much bad Karma.
Fantasy Cowboys: None (boycott)
2) Philadelphia Eagles
This might be my favorite team in this division. Not a lot of quarterbacks have taken more shit in their day than Donovan McNabb. Rush Limbaugh accused the media of promoting McNabb to be good just because he was black, which could have been an insightful comment...if McNabb weren't, in fact, actually good. Then T.O. ruined that team pretty effectively, and remember when the NAACP took T.O.'s side in that situation?? What the hell!??! He gets hurt on a yearly basis and when his backup steps in and plays well, there is ALWAYS conversation about trading McNabb. The truth is, when healthy, McNabb is probably a top 5 quarterback but he just gets screwed at every opportunity. Two years removed from an ACL injury is always better than one. Eagles get Wild Card spot number 1 in the NFC.
Buddies' Eagles: Brian Westbrook and Asante Samuel
3) New York Giants
You can't not like this team for what they pulled on the Patriots last year. One of the best things ever done in human history without question. Unfortunately, they lost Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan but they did add the lack of Jeremy Shockey, so maybe it'll even out. All those young guys on the defensive front line are going to have become great without Strahan's help pretty soon to win this division, but I think the confidence of winning a Super Bowl will help Eli get the G-Men the second Wild Card playoff spot in the NFC.
Giants of Fantasy: Brandon Jacobs, Amani Toomer, Justin Tuck, and Steve Smith (wow)
4) Washington Redskins
I dislike this team for an odd reason. It's the same reason (along with others) that I hated the New Jersey Nets when they kept making it to the NBA Finals. Neither team has a chance to put up a fight in their current endeavor and neither team is the least bit entertaining. Quit making the playoffs and give someone who isn't so boring a chance. If the top three teams let The Skins make the playoffs, shame on them.
Fantasy 'Skins: None
1) Dallas Cowboys
It's not even worth saying that I hate this team anymore. They are now a caricature of themselves with this roster full of unbelievable assholes and a milquetoast at quarterback. Patrick Crayton likes to call out teams they just lost to, Terrell Owens cries when people make fun of his Quarterb...cough, boyfriend, cough cough...Quarterback, Wade Phillips likes to say that he had the better team after a playoff loss...they are the most hate-able team of my football-watching lifetime. The problem is, they are too talented not to win this division. The good news is, they aren't so talented that they will necessarily win the Super Bowl with a team full of I-don't-even-know-whats. I think that any loss to a team in this division could make them all hate each other for at least a few weeks and they have no chance at a Super Bowl Title. Too volatile and too much bad Karma.
Fantasy Cowboys: None (boycott)
2) Philadelphia Eagles
This might be my favorite team in this division. Not a lot of quarterbacks have taken more shit in their day than Donovan McNabb. Rush Limbaugh accused the media of promoting McNabb to be good just because he was black, which could have been an insightful comment...if McNabb weren't, in fact, actually good. Then T.O. ruined that team pretty effectively, and remember when the NAACP took T.O.'s side in that situation?? What the hell!??! He gets hurt on a yearly basis and when his backup steps in and plays well, there is ALWAYS conversation about trading McNabb. The truth is, when healthy, McNabb is probably a top 5 quarterback but he just gets screwed at every opportunity. Two years removed from an ACL injury is always better than one. Eagles get Wild Card spot number 1 in the NFC.
Buddies' Eagles: Brian Westbrook and Asante Samuel
3) New York Giants
You can't not like this team for what they pulled on the Patriots last year. One of the best things ever done in human history without question. Unfortunately, they lost Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan but they did add the lack of Jeremy Shockey, so maybe it'll even out. All those young guys on the defensive front line are going to have become great without Strahan's help pretty soon to win this division, but I think the confidence of winning a Super Bowl will help Eli get the G-Men the second Wild Card playoff spot in the NFC.
Giants of Fantasy: Brandon Jacobs, Amani Toomer, Justin Tuck, and Steve Smith (wow)
4) Washington Redskins
I dislike this team for an odd reason. It's the same reason (along with others) that I hated the New Jersey Nets when they kept making it to the NBA Finals. Neither team has a chance to put up a fight in their current endeavor and neither team is the least bit entertaining. Quit making the playoffs and give someone who isn't so boring a chance. If the top three teams let The Skins make the playoffs, shame on them.
Fantasy 'Skins: None
NFL Preview Part V: NFC North
For the past few seasons, this has been a pretty sorry division with the likes of Rex Grossman leading his team to a division title. These days, we have two up-and-comers, one wild card (not the playoff kind), and one heap of crap. Picks.
1) Minnesota Vikings
With a solid Packers team being headed by basically a rookie quarterback, this would be a good year for the Vikings to take it. Their defense consists of a "weirdly good" combination: they have a great pass rush and mediocre coverage so when the front line forces terrible throws, the DBs are out of position already and will therefore receive easy picks (this is sort of how the '05 Bengals had so many picks against this division). They face the yet-to-be-proven Aaron Rodgers, Jon Kitna and (Insert Bears Idiot) which should all be turnover festivals. Tarvaris Jackson should play better, having been one of the thousands who were personally offended by the Favre Fiasco and, oh yeah...Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the league.
Fantasy Vikings: None (damnit)
2) Green Bay Packers
I believe that Aaron Rodgers will figure it out just a little too late for the Pack to make it into the playoffs. Green Bay is young and, now that Favre is gone, can now mature together and be back strong next year. I just wish they played the Jets...
Green Bay Fantasies: Atari Bigby
3) Detroit Lions
This team is hilarious to me because it is basically a novelty. An offensive Juggernaught run by an historically inept quarterback. The only thing of interest on this team to watch is Calvin Johnson who seems genetically engineered to play Wide Receiver and this could be his breakout year. Definitly no playoffs.
Secondhand Lions: Jon Kitna (I feel like I have all the players I hate on)
4) Chicago Bears
Although Rex Grossman has been relegated to a bench role on the Bears, he's still a future Hall of Famer on Team Doucheman. This has been a team that was based on defense but whose offense was still too bad to win a Super Bowl...but now its defense isn't good and its offense is maybe even worse. No Bernard Berrian and an exciting but quite unproven Devin Hester as their NUMBER 1 RECEIVER. Yikes. They do have a proven quarterback in Kyle Orton, the problem is, he has proven to be a bad quarterback. This team should be 3-13.
Buddies' Bearshit: None (phew)
1) Minnesota Vikings
With a solid Packers team being headed by basically a rookie quarterback, this would be a good year for the Vikings to take it. Their defense consists of a "weirdly good" combination: they have a great pass rush and mediocre coverage so when the front line forces terrible throws, the DBs are out of position already and will therefore receive easy picks (this is sort of how the '05 Bengals had so many picks against this division). They face the yet-to-be-proven Aaron Rodgers, Jon Kitna and (Insert Bears Idiot) which should all be turnover festivals. Tarvaris Jackson should play better, having been one of the thousands who were personally offended by the Favre Fiasco and, oh yeah...Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the league.
Fantasy Vikings: None (damnit)
2) Green Bay Packers
I believe that Aaron Rodgers will figure it out just a little too late for the Pack to make it into the playoffs. Green Bay is young and, now that Favre is gone, can now mature together and be back strong next year. I just wish they played the Jets...
Green Bay Fantasies: Atari Bigby
3) Detroit Lions
This team is hilarious to me because it is basically a novelty. An offensive Juggernaught run by an historically inept quarterback. The only thing of interest on this team to watch is Calvin Johnson who seems genetically engineered to play Wide Receiver and this could be his breakout year. Definitly no playoffs.
Secondhand Lions: Jon Kitna (I feel like I have all the players I hate on)
4) Chicago Bears
Although Rex Grossman has been relegated to a bench role on the Bears, he's still a future Hall of Famer on Team Doucheman. This has been a team that was based on defense but whose offense was still too bad to win a Super Bowl...but now its defense isn't good and its offense is maybe even worse. No Bernard Berrian and an exciting but quite unproven Devin Hester as their NUMBER 1 RECEIVER. Yikes. They do have a proven quarterback in Kyle Orton, the problem is, he has proven to be a bad quarterback. This team should be 3-13.
Buddies' Bearshit: None (phew)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
NFL Preview Part IV: AFC West
There's a good chance I'm out of touch with this division because I live in AFC North country, but it just doesn't seem terribly strong. Again, this is another division in which I am very low on fantasy players. A few players I want from this division...actually, let's just get to the picks.
1) Denver Broncos
Me, my friends and my sister are all in love with Jay Cutler. Something about him makes him so much less obnoxious than the Matt Leinarts of the world (and there are tons). John Glenn brought up the point that maybe playing for Vanderbilt and having the SEC drink his milkshake on a weekly basis has toughened the kid up. His first few years have not been easy and he still hasn't even done a thing to receive even an invite to Team Doucheman tryouts. I also think it's possible for a team to be 9-7 in this division and win it...at least there's a chance.
Bronco Buddies: None (sadly)
2) San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson both received Team Doucheman invites last season. Sheesh, for someone who used to be known as one of the classiest players in football, LaDainian sure is a sore loser. He's almost become a T.O. type player who I wouldn't want to pick for my fantasy team because I don't want to root for him. What happened?? That last two SD seasons have ended with a grown man pouting on the sideline and/or at a podium. Although I appreciated Philip Rivers playing the Pats tough with a torn ACL, he's still a loudmouth a-hole and, in all honesty, you can play quarterback with one ACL. It's time for this whining Schottenheimer-firing team to get it's just due. No playoffs.
Buddies' Fantasy: Vincent Jackson and Darren Sproles
3) Oakland Raiders
Oakland is becoming the Chicago Bulls of a few years ago with rookies or second year players you remember vividly and all from big name schools. I doubt Oakland can be good, but McFadden and Fargas is not a bad combo and JaMarcus Russell looks much better than Vince Young to me at this point. They also have an unbelievable pass defense which people sometimes don't notice because it's Oakland. Now that I'm thinking about it, I almost want to pick them ahead of the Chargers but I won't. I think 7-9 third place finish will be a success for this team.
Buddies' Raiders: None
4) Kansas City Chiefs
Oh man...The Chiefs are...a non team. I'm not big on Herm Edwards or Larry Johnson. This is going to be a team with a below average quarterback and a great Tight End so you know exactly what you're going to be watching with this team and it will not be interesting. Boooorrrinnng.
Buddies' Chiefs: No way man.
1) Denver Broncos
Me, my friends and my sister are all in love with Jay Cutler. Something about him makes him so much less obnoxious than the Matt Leinarts of the world (and there are tons). John Glenn brought up the point that maybe playing for Vanderbilt and having the SEC drink his milkshake on a weekly basis has toughened the kid up. His first few years have not been easy and he still hasn't even done a thing to receive even an invite to Team Doucheman tryouts. I also think it's possible for a team to be 9-7 in this division and win it...at least there's a chance.
Bronco Buddies: None (sadly)
2) San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson both received Team Doucheman invites last season. Sheesh, for someone who used to be known as one of the classiest players in football, LaDainian sure is a sore loser. He's almost become a T.O. type player who I wouldn't want to pick for my fantasy team because I don't want to root for him. What happened?? That last two SD seasons have ended with a grown man pouting on the sideline and/or at a podium. Although I appreciated Philip Rivers playing the Pats tough with a torn ACL, he's still a loudmouth a-hole and, in all honesty, you can play quarterback with one ACL. It's time for this whining Schottenheimer-firing team to get it's just due. No playoffs.
Buddies' Fantasy: Vincent Jackson and Darren Sproles
3) Oakland Raiders
Oakland is becoming the Chicago Bulls of a few years ago with rookies or second year players you remember vividly and all from big name schools. I doubt Oakland can be good, but McFadden and Fargas is not a bad combo and JaMarcus Russell looks much better than Vince Young to me at this point. They also have an unbelievable pass defense which people sometimes don't notice because it's Oakland. Now that I'm thinking about it, I almost want to pick them ahead of the Chargers but I won't. I think 7-9 third place finish will be a success for this team.
Buddies' Raiders: None
4) Kansas City Chiefs
Oh man...The Chiefs are...a non team. I'm not big on Herm Edwards or Larry Johnson. This is going to be a team with a below average quarterback and a great Tight End so you know exactly what you're going to be watching with this team and it will not be interesting. Boooorrrinnng.
Buddies' Chiefs: No way man.
NFL Preview Part III: AFC South
The AFC South the best division in the AFC last year. There isn't really any team in this division who you would say is "in shambles," and I think that you can for every division in the league other than maybe the NFC East. The worst thing you could say about the Texans is that they are "up and coming," which isn't even a bad thing. There's also a chance that the South conspires to allow each other make the playoffs and I submit the Jim Sorgi appearance vs the Titans in week 17 as evidence. Shameful. Anyway:
1) Indianapolis Colts
This team has mastered the regular season so well that it's almost impossible to pick them to finish anywhere but number 1. I think their defense will start the season well and once Peyton and Anthony Gonzales become best buddies the O will take off and it's time for trade for Gonzales in your fantasy league. I like that there's nothing seriously wrong with Freeney and Sanders (for now) and I like that there is a quality receiver coming in behind Marvin at exactly the right time when you already have Wayne and Addai. The Jags also have a mental block concerning this team.
Fanta-Buddies: None (Why don't I have any players from the division winners? This is worrying.)
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags are kind of taking the place of The Steelers now that Pitt has decided they are a passing team and are also my other Wild Card pick. With a year like last year, you would expect either an overtaking of the division or a severe dropoff and of course I'm picking them to stay in the same spot. The reason I have them back at the 2-hole is because I think the smart money on The Jags sustaining injuries but pulling it together by playoff time. Fred Taylor is getting pretty old by the way, and if he gets hurt, they will miss him.
Fantasy: None
3) Houston Texans
Houston has no chance to make the playoffs but there isn't really anything terribly wrong with them (sort of like the Bills but not in Buffalo...which might help). They've started to play their division rivals tough and Mario Williams might just be a little bit awesome. Schaub surely is mediocre, but he's no turnover machine. It also seems like they several of these people who can replace Schaub when he gets hurt...like sharks teeth.
Houston Fantasy: Still None
4) Tennessee Titans
I love Jeff Fisher and I loved what Vince Young did to USC so many years ago but it might be a rough year. I can only describe their offense as "disgusting." Watching it doesn't make you say, "wow" or, "hmmm..." Watching Vince Young miss a two yard out route by 15 yards really just makes you say, "eww." Their games really are decided on whether a pass by the opponent is a swatted ball by Tennessee's corner or an interception for a touchdown. I just don't like having to count on pick-sixes as your main mode of scoring. I also don't like that they'll have a decent schedule. Last place.
Fan-Tenness-y: Albert Haynesworth
1) Indianapolis Colts
This team has mastered the regular season so well that it's almost impossible to pick them to finish anywhere but number 1. I think their defense will start the season well and once Peyton and Anthony Gonzales become best buddies the O will take off and it's time for trade for Gonzales in your fantasy league. I like that there's nothing seriously wrong with Freeney and Sanders (for now) and I like that there is a quality receiver coming in behind Marvin at exactly the right time when you already have Wayne and Addai. The Jags also have a mental block concerning this team.
Fanta-Buddies: None (Why don't I have any players from the division winners? This is worrying.)
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags are kind of taking the place of The Steelers now that Pitt has decided they are a passing team and are also my other Wild Card pick. With a year like last year, you would expect either an overtaking of the division or a severe dropoff and of course I'm picking them to stay in the same spot. The reason I have them back at the 2-hole is because I think the smart money on The Jags sustaining injuries but pulling it together by playoff time. Fred Taylor is getting pretty old by the way, and if he gets hurt, they will miss him.
Fantasy: None
3) Houston Texans
Houston has no chance to make the playoffs but there isn't really anything terribly wrong with them (sort of like the Bills but not in Buffalo...which might help). They've started to play their division rivals tough and Mario Williams might just be a little bit awesome. Schaub surely is mediocre, but he's no turnover machine. It also seems like they several of these people who can replace Schaub when he gets hurt...like sharks teeth.
Houston Fantasy: Still None
4) Tennessee Titans
I love Jeff Fisher and I loved what Vince Young did to USC so many years ago but it might be a rough year. I can only describe their offense as "disgusting." Watching it doesn't make you say, "wow" or, "hmmm..." Watching Vince Young miss a two yard out route by 15 yards really just makes you say, "eww." Their games really are decided on whether a pass by the opponent is a swatted ball by Tennessee's corner or an interception for a touchdown. I just don't like having to count on pick-sixes as your main mode of scoring. I also don't like that they'll have a decent schedule. Last place.
Fan-Tenness-y: Albert Haynesworth
Monday, August 25, 2008
NFL Preview Part II: AFC East
Moving clockwise along the division list and staying in the AFC, we come to last years' worst division in football, the AFC East. Last season, the AFC East, aside from New England, could only be described as "shit-tastic." Possibly the only reason The Pats even had the opportunity to go undefeated was because of this stupid division. It's not quite as bad this year with Brett and the Jets and an improved Buff and Miami (sort of), but...whatever, let's get to the picks.
1) New England Patriots
They retained Randy Moss which means they should still have the best offense in the league because when he's trying, his team always does. The only team that could possibly challenge them are the Jets and...they won't
Fantasy Friends: None
2) New York Jets
This is the place where the stupid idiot Brett Favre time wasting machine finally ended. I have to say that I am rooting against The Jets because I want Favre to fail. I just don't want anything good to come out of this situation. The problem is, the Jets have solid receivers, a good O-Line, a good running back, a boring coach, and now a future Hall of Fame Quarterback. There's no reason this team shouldn't make the playoffs, especially if they pull out a win against the Pats, which they could. I predict one win vs the Pats and one loss vs the Bills and a Wild Card spot.
Fantasy Town: None
3) Buffalo Bills
Buffalo isn't terrible, but they're certainly not at all good. Buffalo is sort of the Cleveland of New York. I think I'm done talking about the Bills.
Faaantassyyy: Obviously Nobody
4) Miami Dolphins
This division is unique because it kind of represents all tiers of NFL teams. New England being the elite team, Jets are above average, Buffalo is precisely average, and the Dolphins absolutely suck. They might be a little improved because of Chad Pennington who, unlike the other Miami quarterbacks, is not the worst starting quarterback in NFL history. Their best player is a running back who is coming back from ACL reconstruction...their number one receiver is...Ted Ginn? This team sucks and I hate this division.
Buddies' Fantasy Fellows: Are you kidding me?
NFL Preview, Part I: AFC North
The NFL is arguably the most difficult sport to predict of the big three. In baseball you'll have your Tampa Bay Rays' of the world, but on a bad year you can probably pick five out of eight playoff teams. In the NBA, the order is the most difficult part, along with the bottom 3 team in the East who don't matter one bit. But in the NFL, if you saw the playoff teams for the year before watching it, you'd probably sound a little like, "OK...Indy, New England...whoa, holy shit!" The Texans could be 10-6 this year for all we know...they're really not that bad! The point is, I'm about to rank where I believe everyone will finish in their division and pick the Wild Card teams...I can't wait to see these in 3 months. Beginning with the AFC North, let's go clockwise (I will also be listing who on the teams is also on my fantasy team...alright, here we go).
AFC North
1) Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin likes to throw the ball and Ben Roethlisberger is a great improviser. For 16 games in the regular season, I see this working. I imagine Pitt going on a sort of cruise control and winning that division because it's filled with inept and/or self destructive teams. I don't like this passing strategy with Big Ben at the helm in the playoffs however. I think only in a severe down year for the league can this team win a Super Bowl.
Buddies' Fantasy Count: None
2) Cincinnati Bengals
I've watched this team as much as anybody in the world over the past few years and they are really one of the worst teams of all time in ANY sport to be a fan of. I've never seen a team with such a nose for losing. With that said, I think they can manage a .500 season, mainly because they seem to have Baltimore and Cleveland's numbers over years. If they can go 4-2 in the division and beat Tennessee, Houston, Washington, and KC, that's 8-8 right there (I would like to predict that Palmer is hurt for the KC game and Ryan Fitzpatrick wins it, I'm not sure why). Even with these low expectations, I'm sure the Bungles will find some way to disappoint me. This is definitely not one of my Wild Card picks.
Buddies' Fantasy Folks: Keith Rivers and Chris Perry
3) Cleveland Browns
This team blew a chance at the playoffs last year and I was pretty high on them for a while, but I'm wary of teams who go against the typical personality of the city. The Old Browns were based on running and defense, and this is basically a passing team. That makes me nervous.
Anyway, I'm not sure Derek Anderson is that good. He had great receivers, a good line, a good running game, and an easy schedule last season and if he struggles, the "Brady Quinn" chants will commence (which is never a good thing). This team's defense is still not even average. They have too many expectations with a much more difficult schedule. I just see this team being under .500. Sidenote: If The Browns make the playoffs this season, we are looking at a new city of Cleveland. Maybe it's time for the dark cloud to move onto somewhere else.
Fantasy Buddies: Kellen Winslow and Phil Dawson
4) Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore's offense is as terrible as ever and their legendary defense is aging. The only thing that can keep this team above 4-12 is if Troy Smith is somehow great (which would be neat). They just got a new coach and it doesn't even seem like there is any reason for them to try this year.
Fanta-Buddies: Troy Smith, Terrell Suggs, and Ray Rice
AFC North
1) Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin likes to throw the ball and Ben Roethlisberger is a great improviser. For 16 games in the regular season, I see this working. I imagine Pitt going on a sort of cruise control and winning that division because it's filled with inept and/or self destructive teams. I don't like this passing strategy with Big Ben at the helm in the playoffs however. I think only in a severe down year for the league can this team win a Super Bowl.
Buddies' Fantasy Count: None
2) Cincinnati Bengals
I've watched this team as much as anybody in the world over the past few years and they are really one of the worst teams of all time in ANY sport to be a fan of. I've never seen a team with such a nose for losing. With that said, I think they can manage a .500 season, mainly because they seem to have Baltimore and Cleveland's numbers over years. If they can go 4-2 in the division and beat Tennessee, Houston, Washington, and KC, that's 8-8 right there (I would like to predict that Palmer is hurt for the KC game and Ryan Fitzpatrick wins it, I'm not sure why). Even with these low expectations, I'm sure the Bungles will find some way to disappoint me. This is definitely not one of my Wild Card picks.
Buddies' Fantasy Folks: Keith Rivers and Chris Perry
3) Cleveland Browns
This team blew a chance at the playoffs last year and I was pretty high on them for a while, but I'm wary of teams who go against the typical personality of the city. The Old Browns were based on running and defense, and this is basically a passing team. That makes me nervous.
Anyway, I'm not sure Derek Anderson is that good. He had great receivers, a good line, a good running game, and an easy schedule last season and if he struggles, the "Brady Quinn" chants will commence (which is never a good thing). This team's defense is still not even average. They have too many expectations with a much more difficult schedule. I just see this team being under .500. Sidenote: If The Browns make the playoffs this season, we are looking at a new city of Cleveland. Maybe it's time for the dark cloud to move onto somewhere else.
Fantasy Buddies: Kellen Winslow and Phil Dawson
4) Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore's offense is as terrible as ever and their legendary defense is aging. The only thing that can keep this team above 4-12 is if Troy Smith is somehow great (which would be neat). They just got a new coach and it doesn't even seem like there is any reason for them to try this year.
Fanta-Buddies: Troy Smith, Terrell Suggs, and Ray Rice
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Team USA: Gold Medal Thoughts
Coach K and The Boys pulled it off. It started off easy, then NOT SO EASY, then it was over. Here are some thoughts about Olympic Ball:
- That last game was pretty great. First, it was on at 2:30 am, which meant I felt like I may have been the only person I know watching it live. Second, it was a legitimately close game. Both teams hit huge shots, which brings me to my second bullet.
- Team USA included three players (Kobe, LeBron, Wade, and to a lesser extent, Deron Williams and Chris Paul) who have experience in big games not allowing their teams to lose. That particular group hit big threes, threes which they have missed most of the passed two weeks, that ended up allowing them to survive an "A+ game," as LeBron put it, from Spain.
- The officiating in the Gold Medal Game was pretty horrendous. I hate when players get bailed out by the refs when they are out of control and that's exactly what happened on BOTH sides. The score was 69-61 at the end of the first half. WHAT THE HELL?!?! That is so many points!! That ridiculous score had a lot to do with turnovers turning into foul shots because of lame calls.
- Why couldn't we guard Juan Carlos Navarro? That was shocking and frustrating. I expect Jason Kidd to get burnt by everyone at this point, but Chris Paul? Weird.
- Portland looks like they are really in for a treat with this Rudy Fernandez character. He dunked on DWIGHT HOWARD! I started rooting for him a little by the end (as did assistant USA Coach Nate McMillan no doubt).
- Conversely, Marc Gasol looks to be a future hated player in the NBA. He looks like a taller, uglier homeless version of Jack Black with alcoholism and he also looks like a smells really bad. He seems like a dirty player and as much as I liked Rudy by the end of the game, I hated Marc just as much.
- The three most effective players on the USA Team were probably LeBron, Wade, and Chris Bosh. All three point guards were good, but a little inconsistent (except for Kidd, he was always useless), Kobe and Carmelo were predictably weird, and Dwight Howard's American to overseas exchange rate was pretty low. With LeBron controlling the game (with the occasional "Heat Check 3," a play straight out of the Cleveland Playbook), Wade constantly attacking, and Bosh running the floor and MAKING FREE THROWS, the recipe was there for Gold.
- John Glenn brought up the issue of whether the reason Duke has sucked over the last few years is because Krzyzewski has been hanging out with Team USA and not doing, well...Duke stuff. Maybe that's why their team is comprised of almost exclusively three point chucking white people.
- In the end, we learned this USA team could have been beaten. It would have taken a similar game to what we saw from Spain and a choke job from USA, but it could have happened. We also learned that Glenn owes me $20.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Mo Williams
Maurice Williams was acquired by the Cavs today in a three team deal involving Milwaukee and the OKC Somethings. Cleveland sent out Damon "Goofball" Jones to The Bucks and reliable and lovable veteran forward Joe Smith to The Oklahoma City Extortionists. Mo, probably not even the best player on his now former team, has received almost a saviors welcome on Cavs forums. This may look like an overreaction to a player of his caliber, but Cleveland has reason to be excited.
First off, the price tag on Mo was remarkably low. Though I call Damon and Joe a low price, it will be sad to see the both of them go for very different reasons.
Damon Jones is a huge idiot...but in a good way. His antics were always entertaining and we'll always have the YouTube clip of The Chuckster shouting, "Oh my God! Go back to Damon Jones' coat!!" The best thing about Damon though was probably that when everyone on Cleveland was injured or had just been traded, he always played pretty well, and that is admirable. Still, he just isn't very good and is worth more as an expiring contract than an actual player. We also have a guy in Boobie Gibson who does the same things and more and is younger and better at everything. Joe Smith will also be sorely missed. He was a consistent and not offensively retarded power forward which you cannot say for most of Cleveland's front line. He was also a veteran with a friendly smile who was easy to root for.
With that said, Mo Williams is the best player that has come to Cleveland via free agency or trade or draft since the LeBron era began almost without question.
Tangent: One of the biggest reasons I root for the Cavs, aside from proximity, is due to the most extreme case of pity in the history of fandom. The City of Cleveland has been stuck in sports purgatory for too long. Cleveland is not quite cool enough a city to entice free agents or attract love from the media but the fans are enthusiastic enough that every time their teams come up short, it hurts just the same. And they always come up short. That's why if The Cavs were to somehow avoid winning a title with the gift given to them from the Basketball Gods named LeBron James, it would be simply too much.
Back on track.
When I heard about this possible deal, I was skeptical, as I always am about a little guy on a bad team who takes a ton of shots, especially shots off the dribble. As the deal became more and more real, I slowly (and then very very quickly) warmed up to him. First, he shot 48% last season (on shots that I may have deemed to be ridiculous) and averaged over 6 assists. Those aren't really the statistics of a "chucker," which is what I dislike so much in some players. The clincher though, and I don't know why this means so much to me, was that I heard him interviewed by the Cleveland local radio guy. He seemed like a funny smart guy with a solid attitude. When asked about improving his defense, he didn't get defensive (no pun intended), he just seemed confident and not cocky with the correct amount of resentment for the accusation that he can't play on the defensive end. Liked it.
Depending on how well Mo meshes with LeBron, this could be the beginning of Ferry's Redemption in building a title team. Though Mo is not an All Star (not yet anyway) with the Mo Deal, Gibson's re-signing, the drafting of J.J. Hickson, and the Kinsey signing, The Cavaliers are slowly but surely becoming younger, better, more athletic, while conserving their trade assets at the same time. While they may not yet be at a championship level, you can at least see what Cleveland is trying to do. They have a path.
Ferry may be slow to pull the trigger sometimes, but isn't that a good thing? Ferry isn't afraid to do something that is unimpressive to fans, but may be important to the team (like the Kinsey signing). My trust in this guy is growing. All he can hope is that LeBron feels the same way.
First off, the price tag on Mo was remarkably low. Though I call Damon and Joe a low price, it will be sad to see the both of them go for very different reasons.
Damon Jones is a huge idiot...but in a good way. His antics were always entertaining and we'll always have the YouTube clip of The Chuckster shouting, "Oh my God! Go back to Damon Jones' coat!!" The best thing about Damon though was probably that when everyone on Cleveland was injured or had just been traded, he always played pretty well, and that is admirable. Still, he just isn't very good and is worth more as an expiring contract than an actual player. We also have a guy in Boobie Gibson who does the same things and more and is younger and better at everything. Joe Smith will also be sorely missed. He was a consistent and not offensively retarded power forward which you cannot say for most of Cleveland's front line. He was also a veteran with a friendly smile who was easy to root for.
With that said, Mo Williams is the best player that has come to Cleveland via free agency or trade or draft since the LeBron era began almost without question.
Tangent: One of the biggest reasons I root for the Cavs, aside from proximity, is due to the most extreme case of pity in the history of fandom. The City of Cleveland has been stuck in sports purgatory for too long. Cleveland is not quite cool enough a city to entice free agents or attract love from the media but the fans are enthusiastic enough that every time their teams come up short, it hurts just the same. And they always come up short. That's why if The Cavs were to somehow avoid winning a title with the gift given to them from the Basketball Gods named LeBron James, it would be simply too much.
Back on track.
When I heard about this possible deal, I was skeptical, as I always am about a little guy on a bad team who takes a ton of shots, especially shots off the dribble. As the deal became more and more real, I slowly (and then very very quickly) warmed up to him. First, he shot 48% last season (on shots that I may have deemed to be ridiculous) and averaged over 6 assists. Those aren't really the statistics of a "chucker," which is what I dislike so much in some players. The clincher though, and I don't know why this means so much to me, was that I heard him interviewed by the Cleveland local radio guy. He seemed like a funny smart guy with a solid attitude. When asked about improving his defense, he didn't get defensive (no pun intended), he just seemed confident and not cocky with the correct amount of resentment for the accusation that he can't play on the defensive end. Liked it.
Depending on how well Mo meshes with LeBron, this could be the beginning of Ferry's Redemption in building a title team. Though Mo is not an All Star (not yet anyway) with the Mo Deal, Gibson's re-signing, the drafting of J.J. Hickson, and the Kinsey signing, The Cavaliers are slowly but surely becoming younger, better, more athletic, while conserving their trade assets at the same time. While they may not yet be at a championship level, you can at least see what Cleveland is trying to do. They have a path.
Ferry may be slow to pull the trigger sometimes, but isn't that a good thing? Ferry isn't afraid to do something that is unimpressive to fans, but may be important to the team (like the Kinsey signing). My trust in this guy is growing. All he can hope is that LeBron feels the same way.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Brett Favre
Well, we have been wasting our lives with Brett's Bullshit (not as good) for a few......years? Seems like years... Anyway, the final conclusion is that everyone involved is wrong...EVERYONE...except for Aaron Rodgers. Let's go through the rundown:
The Green Bay Packers
For starters, The Pack may have pressured Favre to leave or make a decision or something. This forced an old gunslinger to make an emotional gut decision (maybe the only type of decision he's ever made) about the thing that means the most to him, competing. After that and after Brett continued to pretend to be retired, they committed to Aaron Rodgers, which is completely fine. Then Favre wanted back in and Green Bay continued to be committed to Rodgers as their quarterback of the future...still fine. Then they offered the most beloved player in the history of their franchise a role as a backup...not fine. Then they offered him a ton of money to stay retired...NOT AT ALL fine. Then, after ruining the lives of sports fans by making us watch (not all of us, some boycotted) thousands of hours of this CRAP, they traded him to the Jets for a 3RD ROUND PICK.
There's nothing wrong with 3rd round picks, but was it really worth it? I like Brett Favre, The Packers, ESPN, and the world less now because of all of this. Everyone looks bad. Everyone is pissed off. 3rd round pick?? Give me a break!!! If they went back to the point in the time line where things went from "fine" to "not fine," things would have stayed, well...fine.
If you're the Packers' front office, you want Aaron Rodgers, Brett wants to play...release him! I know you might lose him to the Bears or the Vikings, but what are you, scared? You're the ones who don't want him and he is 38. It's not like you're giving him away and he's poised to beat you up for years to come. You're the one with the young talented team with a young quarterback and a hard hitting defense in the weaker conference. And even if you are scared, treat the man right, he was your team for what, 16 years?? Terrible.
Brett Favre
We all love Brett Favre because he plays with his gut. The problem is, that very characteristic is what makes it just about impossible for him to retire gracefully. My sister called me the other day and asked me what I thought of the "Favre Situation." Well... I hate it, but the second question she asked was, "Is Brett Favre crazy?" To clarify, she did NOT mean, "Oh that Favre, what a nut!" After watching his various press conferences, she was legitimately questioning what his brain was really doing.
I don't know if Brett Favre is crazy. He is a great competitor and a nice guy, but not a rocket scientist. One of the rumors about Brett is that he has almost no hobbies other than football. More specifically, playing football. He's not the type to coach and he's not the type to "analyze." What's he gonna do, fish? Going from playing in the NFC Championship to nothing is probably pretty hard, but guess what; just because you love the game doesn't give you the right to push your former team to make unpopular decisions and possibly ruin the career of the kid you were supposed to mentor. Favre shouldn't shoulder all the blame for this situation, but there is no way he is at no fault at all.
Packer Fans: Hey Packer fans, way to boo the poor kid who is supposed to be the future of your franchise after he's already been screwed over by his former mentor, idiots. I want him to succeed because of how much crap he's had to go through, but you don't deserve his success. Shame.
Packer Players: Not much here, but I have heard rumors that some players have been rumbling about how they want Favre back. Get over him and back your current quarterback.
ESPN: Maybe the worst of all. I didn't have to hear about this situation until he got traded but guess what, I did. Everyone did, all the time, all day, it never ended. It still hasn't ended. Just because you say, "Ha ha, it just wouldn't be NFL Live if we didn't talk about 'The Brett Favre Saga!!'" does NOT make it OK. I didn't think I could dislike Trey Wingo more but this stupid shit has done the impossible. Brett Favre to the Jets should have been an interesting story, but I will never speak of this again. Boycott. Just shut up everyone, SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.
The Green Bay Packers
For starters, The Pack may have pressured Favre to leave or make a decision or something. This forced an old gunslinger to make an emotional gut decision (maybe the only type of decision he's ever made) about the thing that means the most to him, competing. After that and after Brett continued to pretend to be retired, they committed to Aaron Rodgers, which is completely fine. Then Favre wanted back in and Green Bay continued to be committed to Rodgers as their quarterback of the future...still fine. Then they offered the most beloved player in the history of their franchise a role as a backup...not fine. Then they offered him a ton of money to stay retired...NOT AT ALL fine. Then, after ruining the lives of sports fans by making us watch (not all of us, some boycotted) thousands of hours of this CRAP, they traded him to the Jets for a 3RD ROUND PICK.
There's nothing wrong with 3rd round picks, but was it really worth it? I like Brett Favre, The Packers, ESPN, and the world less now because of all of this. Everyone looks bad. Everyone is pissed off. 3rd round pick?? Give me a break!!! If they went back to the point in the time line where things went from "fine" to "not fine," things would have stayed, well...fine.
If you're the Packers' front office, you want Aaron Rodgers, Brett wants to play...release him! I know you might lose him to the Bears or the Vikings, but what are you, scared? You're the ones who don't want him and he is 38. It's not like you're giving him away and he's poised to beat you up for years to come. You're the one with the young talented team with a young quarterback and a hard hitting defense in the weaker conference. And even if you are scared, treat the man right, he was your team for what, 16 years?? Terrible.
Brett Favre
We all love Brett Favre because he plays with his gut. The problem is, that very characteristic is what makes it just about impossible for him to retire gracefully. My sister called me the other day and asked me what I thought of the "Favre Situation." Well... I hate it, but the second question she asked was, "Is Brett Favre crazy?" To clarify, she did NOT mean, "Oh that Favre, what a nut!" After watching his various press conferences, she was legitimately questioning what his brain was really doing.
I don't know if Brett Favre is crazy. He is a great competitor and a nice guy, but not a rocket scientist. One of the rumors about Brett is that he has almost no hobbies other than football. More specifically, playing football. He's not the type to coach and he's not the type to "analyze." What's he gonna do, fish? Going from playing in the NFC Championship to nothing is probably pretty hard, but guess what; just because you love the game doesn't give you the right to push your former team to make unpopular decisions and possibly ruin the career of the kid you were supposed to mentor. Favre shouldn't shoulder all the blame for this situation, but there is no way he is at no fault at all.
Packer Fans: Hey Packer fans, way to boo the poor kid who is supposed to be the future of your franchise after he's already been screwed over by his former mentor, idiots. I want him to succeed because of how much crap he's had to go through, but you don't deserve his success. Shame.
Packer Players: Not much here, but I have heard rumors that some players have been rumbling about how they want Favre back. Get over him and back your current quarterback.
ESPN: Maybe the worst of all. I didn't have to hear about this situation until he got traded but guess what, I did. Everyone did, all the time, all day, it never ended. It still hasn't ended. Just because you say, "Ha ha, it just wouldn't be NFL Live if we didn't talk about 'The Brett Favre Saga!!'" does NOT make it OK. I didn't think I could dislike Trey Wingo more but this stupid shit has done the impossible. Brett Favre to the Jets should have been an interesting story, but I will never speak of this again. Boycott. Just shut up everyone, SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.
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