Sorry to all of my fan that I've been gone for so very long. I've been working on my resume for ESPN (the whole point of this blog's existence), where this bad boy is front and center. I've been in pretty good spirits because: The Cavs have been entertaining and GREAT, the new-look Bengals won their last 3, and the Indians signed Kerry Wood. Most people might say, "But Buddies, isn't a $20 million closer with a right arm made of glued together pieces of "wood" (pun INTENDED) NOT great?" Well, shut up, first of all. Second of all, at least his fastball doesn't top out at 83 mph and at least he is not Trevor Hoffman. Also, if you haven't read the sidebar, I did not lose the Lead Pipe Lock contest and will therefore, not have to sing Karaoke. Nice. I was also 7-4 which is respectable in my estimation.
Anyway, I wanted to get down my picks for the first round of the NFL playoffs in which possibly all of the games, the road team will be favored...weird.
Saturday games
Atlanta at Arizona
I simply cannot pick Arizona to win any more games this season. The Atlanta story is too good and Arizona is too wussy to go any other way.
How dumb was it when everyone was all, "Kurt Warner for MVP!!!" Kurt Warner is so great...as long as he plays indoors. If he is in the cold or outside at all, he gets the fumblies...the worst case you've ever seen. He also is on a team with not one, but two receivers who could be in the MVP discussion. I'm not sure who came up with that, but I'm sure it was Trent Dilfer.
Pick: Atlanta
Indianapolis at San Diego
Hmmmmmm....
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Indy has the "Buddies wants them to win" factor but that might be it. San Diego is a decidedly UNlikable team because of their punk QB and their washed up, whiny RB and their milquetoast mediocre walking corpse coach. However, Phil Rivers is certainly a gamer and San Diego has always annoyed the shit out of Indy, even when Indy was a juggernaught. Both teams are "hot," I guess, so that's a wash.
Ya know, my head is going with the Bolts, but I just can't. Peyton is the better man, and I think he can will them to victory (much like he did for Buddies in week 6 of the Lead Pipe Lock contest). I just can't overlook a favor like that.
Pick: Colts
Sunday
Baltimore at Miami
Well, Miami isn't very good. Chad Pennington might be the smartest NFL Quarterback of all time (stretching) but he has about as much talent as you or me. Miami will not fuck up unless forced to, and that's a big deal and a big compliment.
That said, Baltimore forces you to fuck up (See: Buddies' Lead Pipe Lock, week 1).
Pick: Ravenous Ravenous Ravens
Philadelphia at Minnesota
It looks like I'm going with every road team. I thought I would find a home team I liked but I didn't. I'll try to put this lightly: Minny isn't a good team...
That was my best attempt. The only thing that can mess this up for Philly is if they get the Andy Reid/McNabb patented choke fest of a performance. If the Eagles blow this after such a crazy hilarious embarrassment of the "arch enemy of the entire world (Tom Cruse, Valkyrie)," McNabb should be forced to retire.
Pick: Eagles
I'll try to continue to make picks throughout the weeks, but I'll probably forget.
By the way, I'd like to tell everyone (Bowl) who reads this crap to leave a damn comment. I mean, really, what am I doing here if nobody comments?? Read the newsflash underneath the place where comments would be and help me out here. Sheesh.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Buddies' Sports Life in Review: Football
My NFL life is highlighted by fantasy and the lead pipe lock contest which gives you an idea of what I am forced to watch and root for on a weekly basis. Though not great, Ohio football still has a few talking points.
Cleveland Browns (4-6)
The way that Trent Dilfer on ESPN argued against the benching of Derek Anderson was totally indefensible. Dilfer has an obvious beef with the Browns organization and it made him look like and idiot. To be fair, we all have beef with the Cleveland Browns and how poorly they are run, but the mistake they made was paying Derek Anderson after a good half season and a miserable half season when you have a consensus franchise quarterback sitting on your bench (we also would have accepted not benching Derek Anderson sooner as a correct answer).
The reasoning Dilfer used was as follows: you shouldn't bench a quarterback on a bad team, only if the team is good and the quarterback is holding you back. I can't say I disagree with that, but what was Derek Anderson if not the one holding back a decent team? I honestly cannot think of a better way to describe him.
Any time I am 100% sure I am not winning a championship with a certain player, I find it is always OK to trade him (ex: Chauncey Billups/Allen Iverson trade. The Pistons were going nowhere with Billups and now they don't have to pay him and get to watch AI for a season). Derek Anderson is not Super Bowl quarterback and probably not even a playoff quarterback. I am totally confident in that statement. I cannot say with 100% confidence that Brady Quinn isn't capable of winning a Super Bowl. You know what? It's not even about that. The fact is: Derek Anderson is just terrible and Brady Quinn is a promising young player. This was a no brainer and Trent Dilfer, along with many others, missed it by a mile and a half.
Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1)
This team certainly isn't good, that's not news. The word you would use to describe the '08 Bengals is "adorable." Ryan Fitzpatrick is too small to play quarterback in the NFL. There's just something about tying the Eagles and that sort of feeling like a success that is just so cute. There really is something good about this season though. I'll try to explain...
This season has felt something like a purification. The Bengals needed this. In the last few seasons, I couldn't have said with a straight face that I would root for this team if I didn't already root for them, and that's not right. Sometimes in life you have to ask yourself, "If I were a character in a movie, would I be rooting for myself?" If the answer is "yes," that's something to build on. If it's "no," you have a problem. This current Bengal team may be severely lacking in talent and most anything that produces wins, but at least I am rooting for them on a level deeper than, "I'm a Bengals fan." Before the Pittsburgh game, the announcing crew shared with us a quote about the Bengal Defense uttered by Mike Tomlin. He said that they are good at the things that require no talent. Now, this could easily be taken as an insult...and it sort of is. But regardless, when is the last time the Bengals have been good at anything that requires no talent? Are we listening to coaches now? Giving effort? The answer is...sometimes...and I'll take that. This defense is definitly trying. Hell, the held an offensively skilled and desperate Eagles team to 13 points!
Bottom line, when you suck, there's nothing wrong with losing. The Bengals usually are in the position of blowing games to inferior teams. These guys are putting up fights against far superior opponents, and you can't complain about that. That's why, in some ways, it feels better to root for the 1-8-1 Bengals than the 11-5 or 8-8ones. We're terrible, but we're trying.
Cleveland Browns (4-6)
The way that Trent Dilfer on ESPN argued against the benching of Derek Anderson was totally indefensible. Dilfer has an obvious beef with the Browns organization and it made him look like and idiot. To be fair, we all have beef with the Cleveland Browns and how poorly they are run, but the mistake they made was paying Derek Anderson after a good half season and a miserable half season when you have a consensus franchise quarterback sitting on your bench (we also would have accepted not benching Derek Anderson sooner as a correct answer).
The reasoning Dilfer used was as follows: you shouldn't bench a quarterback on a bad team, only if the team is good and the quarterback is holding you back. I can't say I disagree with that, but what was Derek Anderson if not the one holding back a decent team? I honestly cannot think of a better way to describe him.
Any time I am 100% sure I am not winning a championship with a certain player, I find it is always OK to trade him (ex: Chauncey Billups/Allen Iverson trade. The Pistons were going nowhere with Billups and now they don't have to pay him and get to watch AI for a season). Derek Anderson is not Super Bowl quarterback and probably not even a playoff quarterback. I am totally confident in that statement. I cannot say with 100% confidence that Brady Quinn isn't capable of winning a Super Bowl. You know what? It's not even about that. The fact is: Derek Anderson is just terrible and Brady Quinn is a promising young player. This was a no brainer and Trent Dilfer, along with many others, missed it by a mile and a half.
Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1)
This team certainly isn't good, that's not news. The word you would use to describe the '08 Bengals is "adorable." Ryan Fitzpatrick is too small to play quarterback in the NFL. There's just something about tying the Eagles and that sort of feeling like a success that is just so cute. There really is something good about this season though. I'll try to explain...
This season has felt something like a purification. The Bengals needed this. In the last few seasons, I couldn't have said with a straight face that I would root for this team if I didn't already root for them, and that's not right. Sometimes in life you have to ask yourself, "If I were a character in a movie, would I be rooting for myself?" If the answer is "yes," that's something to build on. If it's "no," you have a problem. This current Bengal team may be severely lacking in talent and most anything that produces wins, but at least I am rooting for them on a level deeper than, "I'm a Bengals fan." Before the Pittsburgh game, the announcing crew shared with us a quote about the Bengal Defense uttered by Mike Tomlin. He said that they are good at the things that require no talent. Now, this could easily be taken as an insult...and it sort of is. But regardless, when is the last time the Bengals have been good at anything that requires no talent? Are we listening to coaches now? Giving effort? The answer is...sometimes...and I'll take that. This defense is definitly trying. Hell, the held an offensively skilled and desperate Eagles team to 13 points!
Bottom line, when you suck, there's nothing wrong with losing. The Bengals usually are in the position of blowing games to inferior teams. These guys are putting up fights against far superior opponents, and you can't complain about that. That's why, in some ways, it feels better to root for the 1-8-1 Bengals than the 11-5 or 8-8ones. We're terrible, but we're trying.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Buddies' Sports Life Update
Living on the fence between Cleveland and Cincinnati, I guess I have my pick of teams in football and baseball. Naturally, all four choices basically suck so at least I can't be counted as a bandwagon jumper rooting for an Indians/Bengals combination like I do. So, in an attempt to avoid narrowing my reading population to only people exactly like myself, I'm including The Browns in this addition eventually. It won't be too difficult because I live amongst the anguish of that team as well as my own. My father is a Browns fan so I guess you could say I have "feelings" for the Browns, I just came of age as a football fan when they did not exist or were basically a fake team. In all honesty, they are still generally an unlikable team, but we'll get to that.
(By the way, I still haven't decided if I'm going to include the Reds in my life. Rooting for an American League team, Cincinnati feels farther away during baseball season than Oakland.)
We're starting with what I'm happiest about because that's what I get to do here.
Cleveland Cavaliers (5-2)
This team is legitimately good for the first time since the LeBron Era began. Every other year, fans had to suffer through day after day in the regular season looking up Mark Stein's Power Rankings and finding the Cavs at somewhere around 14, ranked under the elite as well as a small selection of under .500 teams. Though Cleveland fans knew in their hearts things would get better come playoff time, the Cavaliers have been so extremely unimpressive in the regular season that 5 out of 10 analysts on ESPN.com picked the Washington Wizards, who I consider a fake team, to win the first round series last year in the Eastern Confernce Playoffs. How embarassing!! Luckily, those days are gone.
Starting with the back court, this 3-headed monster of small whatever guards (consisting of Mo Williams, Delonte West and Boobie Gibson) must be so annoying to other teams, it sure is a pleasure to watch. All of these guys are mediocre to decent on defense, but they can all get to the hole when LeBron is triple covered and they are all MONEY from 3 (undoubtedly the most annoying thing about them). While we are all waiting to trade Wally, he is playing such unnattractive basketball but is still strangely effective. Getting production out of Wally is like sleeping in a cardboard box for a month and it hasn't rained. Sometimes you feel like sleeping outside in this good weather isn't too bad, maybe even pleasant. Still, you know if you plan on living through the year, you're gonna have to trade that box in for at least a trailor, hopefully a real house. You also can't understate how great of a coaching move it was to stop playing Sasha Pavlovic. A good man would say, "He just doesn't fit in with this group of versatile players we have in the back court." I would say that he is a lump of crap. If he were included in a trade deadline deal...Merry Christmas. Now the front court:
On paper, this is the biggest weakness the Cavs have, and the fact that it's not is probably where Mike Brown makes his money. (I choose to believe this too because I don't want to have conflicted feelings about this team. Picture this...Coach of the Year: Mike Brown). Big Z's game shouldn't fit in with this team but Ilgauskas, as a man, just belongs. He has the attitude of a hot-headed Lithuanian point guard with the body of a dinosaur. He also a grandfather (not father) figure to this team and on a personal note, I love him. The thing that keeps him so helpful is the fact that he is probably the second best passer on the team next to LeBron. He is a perfect example of the uniquely talented, occasionally and oddly productive players LeBron is used to playing with. The other starting big, Ben Wallace, has had a few double digit rebounding games with no points, which is probably what he has always wanted. At the beginning of every game, you usually know if he has it or not, and if he doesn't, you see a whole lot my roommate's least favorite player, Anderson Varejao.
I have gone from loving to hating and then back to loving Varejao in the past two years, and what's weird is that I'm probably going to hate him again after this season. He is playing so well and is so important to the Cavs, they might actually have to pay him real money next summer, which is really the only thing about this season I'm worried about. Is it ok to pay a guy $8 million and have him come off the bench? I guess...whatever.
The last relevant front court character is J.J. Hickson. He has played only a few meaningful minutes, reportedly because Mike Brown doesn't play people unless they know EXACTLY what to do on defense (I'm so sold on Mike Brown). Anyway, this Hickson character is a legitimate reason (to me) to keep watching games in which Cleveland is blowing out the Bobcats. First of all, I like watching rookies, especially ones who are younger than me. Second, this kid will be starting, or at least playing a lot, in a year or two, so it's actually kind of important to the future of the team (his development MIGHT have at least a LITTLE to do with whether or not LeBron stays...somethin' to think about). Third, the kid dunks a lot, and I mean...dunks are fun.
Speaking of dunks, LeBron is still awesome. He is figuring out how to play the post a little and how to play with good players which is probably fun for him. Mr. Bron is running that play where he comes off a pick and catches the ball just below the free throw line a lot...let me repeat that. LeBron is catching the ball on the move below the free throw line. If that play isn't called "automatic points," It should be.
The rest of the reports will be coming shortly. Good day.
(By the way, I still haven't decided if I'm going to include the Reds in my life. Rooting for an American League team, Cincinnati feels farther away during baseball season than Oakland.)
We're starting with what I'm happiest about because that's what I get to do here.
Cleveland Cavaliers (5-2)
This team is legitimately good for the first time since the LeBron Era began. Every other year, fans had to suffer through day after day in the regular season looking up Mark Stein's Power Rankings and finding the Cavs at somewhere around 14, ranked under the elite as well as a small selection of under .500 teams. Though Cleveland fans knew in their hearts things would get better come playoff time, the Cavaliers have been so extremely unimpressive in the regular season that 5 out of 10 analysts on ESPN.com picked the Washington Wizards, who I consider a fake team, to win the first round series last year in the Eastern Confernce Playoffs. How embarassing!! Luckily, those days are gone.
Starting with the back court, this 3-headed monster of small whatever guards (consisting of Mo Williams, Delonte West and Boobie Gibson) must be so annoying to other teams, it sure is a pleasure to watch. All of these guys are mediocre to decent on defense, but they can all get to the hole when LeBron is triple covered and they are all MONEY from 3 (undoubtedly the most annoying thing about them). While we are all waiting to trade Wally, he is playing such unnattractive basketball but is still strangely effective. Getting production out of Wally is like sleeping in a cardboard box for a month and it hasn't rained. Sometimes you feel like sleeping outside in this good weather isn't too bad, maybe even pleasant. Still, you know if you plan on living through the year, you're gonna have to trade that box in for at least a trailor, hopefully a real house. You also can't understate how great of a coaching move it was to stop playing Sasha Pavlovic. A good man would say, "He just doesn't fit in with this group of versatile players we have in the back court." I would say that he is a lump of crap. If he were included in a trade deadline deal...Merry Christmas. Now the front court:
On paper, this is the biggest weakness the Cavs have, and the fact that it's not is probably where Mike Brown makes his money. (I choose to believe this too because I don't want to have conflicted feelings about this team. Picture this...Coach of the Year: Mike Brown). Big Z's game shouldn't fit in with this team but Ilgauskas, as a man, just belongs. He has the attitude of a hot-headed Lithuanian point guard with the body of a dinosaur. He also a grandfather (not father) figure to this team and on a personal note, I love him. The thing that keeps him so helpful is the fact that he is probably the second best passer on the team next to LeBron. He is a perfect example of the uniquely talented, occasionally and oddly productive players LeBron is used to playing with. The other starting big, Ben Wallace, has had a few double digit rebounding games with no points, which is probably what he has always wanted. At the beginning of every game, you usually know if he has it or not, and if he doesn't, you see a whole lot my roommate's least favorite player, Anderson Varejao.
I have gone from loving to hating and then back to loving Varejao in the past two years, and what's weird is that I'm probably going to hate him again after this season. He is playing so well and is so important to the Cavs, they might actually have to pay him real money next summer, which is really the only thing about this season I'm worried about. Is it ok to pay a guy $8 million and have him come off the bench? I guess...whatever.
The last relevant front court character is J.J. Hickson. He has played only a few meaningful minutes, reportedly because Mike Brown doesn't play people unless they know EXACTLY what to do on defense (I'm so sold on Mike Brown). Anyway, this Hickson character is a legitimate reason (to me) to keep watching games in which Cleveland is blowing out the Bobcats. First of all, I like watching rookies, especially ones who are younger than me. Second, this kid will be starting, or at least playing a lot, in a year or two, so it's actually kind of important to the future of the team (his development MIGHT have at least a LITTLE to do with whether or not LeBron stays...somethin' to think about). Third, the kid dunks a lot, and I mean...dunks are fun.
Speaking of dunks, LeBron is still awesome. He is figuring out how to play the post a little and how to play with good players which is probably fun for him. Mr. Bron is running that play where he comes off a pick and catches the ball just below the free throw line a lot...let me repeat that. LeBron is catching the ball on the move below the free throw line. If that play isn't called "automatic points," It should be.
The rest of the reports will be coming shortly. Good day.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
NBA Preview: Buddies' Exclusive Early Eddition (BEEE)
I've decided to change my approach to my season "previews" from picking each division with a small explanation to just my general thoughts about the league and specific teams. This is for a few reasons: 1. This is the way I think and I've found that I don't really have any thoughts on many teams, 2. The other way is super boring, and 3. I'm awful at picking things when I have to do them in mass quantities because I lose interest and often one of my theories accounts for several of my picks and if it's wrong, I miss like 6 picks and I'm not even close. (Example here: I thought that some of these NFL teams who had good defenses but horrible offenses were going to be too inept on the offensive end this year to even move the ball and therefore be in last place...The Bears, Titans, and Ravens...and none of them look bad at all.) I'll find some way to break up my thoughts, but it won't be by division...let's see what we get!!
The Incumbents
The Celtics, Lakers, and Hornets. These are the teams people are talking about, and if I had to guess, none of these teams are making it to the finals (of course I'm gonna say that).
There's just no way The Celtics win another title, no way. After being the recipient of the first "Get out of douche free card" for his performance in the NBA Finals, Paul Pierce almost made me forget that his picture used to be hanging on the Team Doucheman Hall of Fame. Then I see him, and hear him say things and I'm like, "Oh yeah, this guy is a huge turd." Kevin Garnett, although a nice guy, not only isn't clutch, he freaks out in big situations. I like him, but I don't get the love fest with him. Weird faces and chest pounding do not equal intensity and competitiveness. He is not the most competitive player in the league, it's not even close. The Celtics won the title last year almost in spite of him. Ray Allen had a great finals...a GREAT finals...but wasn't he being guarded by possibly the only person in the league who he can take off the dribble? On the fateful "Crying Play" in Game 4, he probably went up to The Doc and said, "I know I've never said this before but...I think I can take this guy." In short, this team is less hungry, in a better division, older, and lacking James Posey and, yes, P.J. Brown (if they didn't have either of those two players, they don't get past Cleveland). If they get The Cavs this year in the playoffs, they will get CRUSHED...I'm not even worried.
Not getting Ron Artest was a mistake for the Lakeshow. I know he's crazy, but you would really rather have Lamar Odom over Artest? Phil Jackson has handled psychos before (Rodman) and it has gone WELL. Personally, I would rather have my small forward have mental problems than menstrual cycles. It seems like they'll continue to be out-toughed if they are counting on Bynum to change their girliness quotient. They are also still working off the misconception that Kobe Bryant is a player who is able to carry a team on his back. You can't work on misconceptions when you're trying to win a championship.
I have nothing against the Hornets, in fact, I really love them. It just doesn't seem like they realize they are better than The Lakers or Spurs yet. They were SO much better than San Antonio last year and they lost because they forgot they were better.
The Bankables
The Spurs, The Pistons, The 76ers, The Magic, The Jazz, The Suns, and The Mavericks. These teams really seem like they're gonna be "involved" so to speak and I like them to varying degrees.
Either Phoenix or Dallas is not making the playoffs this year. I'm probably wrong about this, but these two teams, as we know them, are so done. The Jason Kidd Mavs was such a stupid idea and everything Josh Howard does could be described similarly. Running Steve Nash ragged, like The Suns are doing these days, is going to lead to a "Weekend and Bernie's" situation if he doesn't retire soon (or get traded to a contender to be what I will like to call, the "fun-time party" guard off the bench and play 15 minutes a game). I don't see who The Suns can beat in The West really, and I don't mean in a playoff series, I mean in any regular season game. I don't even know who they are anymore.
The Eastern Conference """"Contenders"""" are Philly, Detroit and Orlando (I put four pairs of quotes around the word "contenders" to show how un-serious I am about it). I guess I have nothing against those teams, they will all be pretty good. Philly and Detroit are similar because I think they will both be dangerous as "young blood" teams, which is weird to say about Detroit, but I think they'll start going to their young guys because it's for the best as far as I can see. I just don't think either of them has what it takes in the playoffs yet. As for Orlando, if you lose a series and say you were the better team, you so obviously don't have what it takes, you might as well be contracted (I'm looking at you, Wade Phillips).
The Spurs and The Other Spurs. White people love these teams, as they should. Utah has been a white oasis in the NBA for quite a while, which just makes The Jazz the funniest name possible. I'm not even sure that all their players aren't Mormon. And they drafted Kosta Koufos...he could NOT have gone anywhere else. At first, I thought, "This guy is gonna be terrible in the NBA." Then, when he got drafted by Utah, I was like, "Oh, he'll fit there." My roommate loves The Jazz (he's white) and I love Deron Williams but I do not even like Carlos Boozer. He can bully bums in the regular season, but he looks awful in the playoffs.
By the way, Chip Carey announcing the ALCS has used the word "fisted" about 11 times since I've been watching and at 1:33 AM, it is hilarious.
The Spurs are a study in the life cycle of a good team. They have no shot at the title at this point. San Antonio got the maximum payout out of the Tim Duncan Era and they should be proud (other than Phil Jackson totally having his number in a weird way, Greg Popovic is maybe the best coach I've ever seen). This is now Manu's and Tony Parker-Longoria's team, not Duncan's. This means, they'll be really good (still), but without your Man being a guy with guaranteed points, you are not as good. Let me explain further:
Their go-to guys now are a tiny Frenchman and a freelancing goofball named "Ginobili." These guys are great, but the way they get their points is no sure thing. When they were just supporters of Duncan, they could do their crazy shit and that's all they had to do as Tim Duncan played his old standards. Now, with Duncan aging, the roles are reversed.
Interesting note: this is what should have happened to the Kobe/Shaq Lakers. When they were winning titles, it was Shaq's team and nobody can deny that. Kobe was Kobe, taking questionable shots at which he was oddly proficient and it was OK because you could always just feed the daddy if things got tough (or let Horry hit a game-winner). If Kobe would have just waited his turn, it would have become his team, he just didn't realize it. Shaq was older than him and he couldn't carry the team forever. Kobe is a smart guy, can he not do math? The rub lies in the fact that a team run by a great guard is not as good as a team run by a Hall of Fame post player. The end result is still being good, just no championship.
Special Note: Michael Jordan is a different animal entirely, in case you're wondering.
My Teams
Rockets, Trail Blazers, and Cavaliers. Things could go wrong with all of these guys, but they're what I would want if I were a GM or coach.
If a propohet told me Houston would be healthy the whole season they would be my pick to win it all. I think with those three players (McGrady, Yao, Artest), they would destroy LA in a 7 game series (well...six game series...it's not going seven). It's a shame the probability of all three of them being healthy come playoff time is about 30% and if they are missing just one, they probably aren't doing it. On a lighter note, how good is that defense?? I just love the way The Rockets play, they just seem snake bit and it's frustrating. (As a fan of the Cavs, this is the only team I'm really afraid of in a 7 game series).
Everyone loves the Blazers, but nobody has the guts to pick them to win anything. This includes me, of course, but I'm contemplating making the bet that they will be a top three seed in The West with my roommate. Whenever someone gives you the "teams just don't go from .500 to first in The West" bullshit, just remember this: The Lakers and Hornets weren't really considered good teams the season before last and nobody really saw either of those teams as top contenders in The West preseason. So get outta here. I think it might even be more common to have one "over the hump" season than slowly building at a constant rate. The point is, this team already has great chemistry, great young players and a good coach and they just keep adding more young and good players. If you visualize "chemistry" as an actual chemistry experiment and good guy players are chemicals that react to each other, it seems like the city of Portland is just going to explode. What the hell am I talking about? It's 2:00 AM. We gotta wrap this up.
The Cavaliers. What an odd team. Nobody gives them any respect, but then everyone is afraid of them (in the playoffs). I think the latter is the way they should be viewed. LeBron is the best player we've seen since Jordan retired, second only to MAYBE The Shaq Diesel in his prime. Everyone talks about how if you take LeBron away, The Cavs are probably a 12 win team, which is true...but is this a bad thing? All of these guys know just about one thing at this point: how to play with LeBron James, and they're pretty good at it. I think that is why everybody hates them so much, because they keep getting beat by a team full of scrubs. The trust in LeBron making the right call on every play is so great in Mike Brown (and me) that I don't know if his supporting cast should be that good. I want tons of pieces that suit LeBron and have him bend him to his will. The worst thing The Cavs could have is a guy who would even think about questioning LeBron's supremacy on the team and who isn't fully "on board (Larry Hughes)." You end up with almost an inbred vibe where if you take one player from Cleveland who is pivotal in his role and put him on another team, he is probably useless.
Enough with my groggy analysis of the team I watch the most. My only prediction is that Boston is in for a thrashing. Once LeBron smells blood, you're dead. DEAD. I think Philidelphia or Detroit could give Cleveland a series (if Detroits young guys take over the team by the end of the year), but The Cavs REALLY should win The East. I'm a little worried about the Olympic Hangover, but not too much. I'd almost give him the first month off (probably not).
The Rest
Who cares? This is why didn't go by divisions.
It's the time of night where I see mice walking, not running, across the floor like they own the place. Here's my Finals call and I'm outta here:
Houston over Cleveland in 7
The Incumbents
The Celtics, Lakers, and Hornets. These are the teams people are talking about, and if I had to guess, none of these teams are making it to the finals (of course I'm gonna say that).
There's just no way The Celtics win another title, no way. After being the recipient of the first "Get out of douche free card" for his performance in the NBA Finals, Paul Pierce almost made me forget that his picture used to be hanging on the Team Doucheman Hall of Fame. Then I see him, and hear him say things and I'm like, "Oh yeah, this guy is a huge turd." Kevin Garnett, although a nice guy, not only isn't clutch, he freaks out in big situations. I like him, but I don't get the love fest with him. Weird faces and chest pounding do not equal intensity and competitiveness. He is not the most competitive player in the league, it's not even close. The Celtics won the title last year almost in spite of him. Ray Allen had a great finals...a GREAT finals...but wasn't he being guarded by possibly the only person in the league who he can take off the dribble? On the fateful "Crying Play" in Game 4, he probably went up to The Doc and said, "I know I've never said this before but...I think I can take this guy." In short, this team is less hungry, in a better division, older, and lacking James Posey and, yes, P.J. Brown (if they didn't have either of those two players, they don't get past Cleveland). If they get The Cavs this year in the playoffs, they will get CRUSHED...I'm not even worried.
Not getting Ron Artest was a mistake for the Lakeshow. I know he's crazy, but you would really rather have Lamar Odom over Artest? Phil Jackson has handled psychos before (Rodman) and it has gone WELL. Personally, I would rather have my small forward have mental problems than menstrual cycles. It seems like they'll continue to be out-toughed if they are counting on Bynum to change their girliness quotient. They are also still working off the misconception that Kobe Bryant is a player who is able to carry a team on his back. You can't work on misconceptions when you're trying to win a championship.
I have nothing against the Hornets, in fact, I really love them. It just doesn't seem like they realize they are better than The Lakers or Spurs yet. They were SO much better than San Antonio last year and they lost because they forgot they were better.
The Bankables
The Spurs, The Pistons, The 76ers, The Magic, The Jazz, The Suns, and The Mavericks. These teams really seem like they're gonna be "involved" so to speak and I like them to varying degrees.
Either Phoenix or Dallas is not making the playoffs this year. I'm probably wrong about this, but these two teams, as we know them, are so done. The Jason Kidd Mavs was such a stupid idea and everything Josh Howard does could be described similarly. Running Steve Nash ragged, like The Suns are doing these days, is going to lead to a "Weekend and Bernie's" situation if he doesn't retire soon (or get traded to a contender to be what I will like to call, the "fun-time party" guard off the bench and play 15 minutes a game). I don't see who The Suns can beat in The West really, and I don't mean in a playoff series, I mean in any regular season game. I don't even know who they are anymore.
The Eastern Conference """"Contenders"""" are Philly, Detroit and Orlando (I put four pairs of quotes around the word "contenders" to show how un-serious I am about it). I guess I have nothing against those teams, they will all be pretty good. Philly and Detroit are similar because I think they will both be dangerous as "young blood" teams, which is weird to say about Detroit, but I think they'll start going to their young guys because it's for the best as far as I can see. I just don't think either of them has what it takes in the playoffs yet. As for Orlando, if you lose a series and say you were the better team, you so obviously don't have what it takes, you might as well be contracted (I'm looking at you, Wade Phillips).
The Spurs and The Other Spurs. White people love these teams, as they should. Utah has been a white oasis in the NBA for quite a while, which just makes The Jazz the funniest name possible. I'm not even sure that all their players aren't Mormon. And they drafted Kosta Koufos...he could NOT have gone anywhere else. At first, I thought, "This guy is gonna be terrible in the NBA." Then, when he got drafted by Utah, I was like, "Oh, he'll fit there." My roommate loves The Jazz (he's white) and I love Deron Williams but I do not even like Carlos Boozer. He can bully bums in the regular season, but he looks awful in the playoffs.
By the way, Chip Carey announcing the ALCS has used the word "fisted" about 11 times since I've been watching and at 1:33 AM, it is hilarious.
The Spurs are a study in the life cycle of a good team. They have no shot at the title at this point. San Antonio got the maximum payout out of the Tim Duncan Era and they should be proud (other than Phil Jackson totally having his number in a weird way, Greg Popovic is maybe the best coach I've ever seen). This is now Manu's and Tony Parker-Longoria's team, not Duncan's. This means, they'll be really good (still), but without your Man being a guy with guaranteed points, you are not as good. Let me explain further:
Their go-to guys now are a tiny Frenchman and a freelancing goofball named "Ginobili." These guys are great, but the way they get their points is no sure thing. When they were just supporters of Duncan, they could do their crazy shit and that's all they had to do as Tim Duncan played his old standards. Now, with Duncan aging, the roles are reversed.
Interesting note: this is what should have happened to the Kobe/Shaq Lakers. When they were winning titles, it was Shaq's team and nobody can deny that. Kobe was Kobe, taking questionable shots at which he was oddly proficient and it was OK because you could always just feed the daddy if things got tough (or let Horry hit a game-winner). If Kobe would have just waited his turn, it would have become his team, he just didn't realize it. Shaq was older than him and he couldn't carry the team forever. Kobe is a smart guy, can he not do math? The rub lies in the fact that a team run by a great guard is not as good as a team run by a Hall of Fame post player. The end result is still being good, just no championship.
Special Note: Michael Jordan is a different animal entirely, in case you're wondering.
My Teams
Rockets, Trail Blazers, and Cavaliers. Things could go wrong with all of these guys, but they're what I would want if I were a GM or coach.
If a propohet told me Houston would be healthy the whole season they would be my pick to win it all. I think with those three players (McGrady, Yao, Artest), they would destroy LA in a 7 game series (well...six game series...it's not going seven). It's a shame the probability of all three of them being healthy come playoff time is about 30% and if they are missing just one, they probably aren't doing it. On a lighter note, how good is that defense?? I just love the way The Rockets play, they just seem snake bit and it's frustrating. (As a fan of the Cavs, this is the only team I'm really afraid of in a 7 game series).
Everyone loves the Blazers, but nobody has the guts to pick them to win anything. This includes me, of course, but I'm contemplating making the bet that they will be a top three seed in The West with my roommate. Whenever someone gives you the "teams just don't go from .500 to first in The West" bullshit, just remember this: The Lakers and Hornets weren't really considered good teams the season before last and nobody really saw either of those teams as top contenders in The West preseason. So get outta here. I think it might even be more common to have one "over the hump" season than slowly building at a constant rate. The point is, this team already has great chemistry, great young players and a good coach and they just keep adding more young and good players. If you visualize "chemistry" as an actual chemistry experiment and good guy players are chemicals that react to each other, it seems like the city of Portland is just going to explode. What the hell am I talking about? It's 2:00 AM. We gotta wrap this up.
The Cavaliers. What an odd team. Nobody gives them any respect, but then everyone is afraid of them (in the playoffs). I think the latter is the way they should be viewed. LeBron is the best player we've seen since Jordan retired, second only to MAYBE The Shaq Diesel in his prime. Everyone talks about how if you take LeBron away, The Cavs are probably a 12 win team, which is true...but is this a bad thing? All of these guys know just about one thing at this point: how to play with LeBron James, and they're pretty good at it. I think that is why everybody hates them so much, because they keep getting beat by a team full of scrubs. The trust in LeBron making the right call on every play is so great in Mike Brown (and me) that I don't know if his supporting cast should be that good. I want tons of pieces that suit LeBron and have him bend him to his will. The worst thing The Cavs could have is a guy who would even think about questioning LeBron's supremacy on the team and who isn't fully "on board (Larry Hughes)." You end up with almost an inbred vibe where if you take one player from Cleveland who is pivotal in his role and put him on another team, he is probably useless.
Enough with my groggy analysis of the team I watch the most. My only prediction is that Boston is in for a thrashing. Once LeBron smells blood, you're dead. DEAD. I think Philidelphia or Detroit could give Cleveland a series (if Detroits young guys take over the team by the end of the year), but The Cavs REALLY should win The East. I'm a little worried about the Olympic Hangover, but not too much. I'd almost give him the first month off (probably not).
The Rest
Who cares? This is why didn't go by divisions.
It's the time of night where I see mice walking, not running, across the floor like they own the place. Here's my Finals call and I'm outta here:
Houston over Cleveland in 7
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Buddies vs. Glenn II: Redemption
...hopefully.
Well, your buddy, Buddies, got crushed last week by some idiot named John Glenn. What the hell kind of name is that anyway. Stupid astronaut asshole. My excuse? He went first and I looked at his picks to see what the lines even were, and because I hate him so much, I naturally wanted to pick against him. There it is.
Buddies' 'Redeem Team'
Broncos (-9.5) over Chiefs
Bengals (-3.5) over Browns
Jaguars (-7) over Texans
Cardinals (+1) over Jets
49ers (+5) over Saints
Falcons (+7) over Panthers
Titans (-3) over Vikings
Packers (+1) over Bucs
Bills (-8) over Rams
Raiders (+7.5) over Chargers
Redskins (+11) over Cowboys
Eagles (-3) over Bears
Ravens (+5.5) over Steelers
Glenn Defends
Broncos (-9.5) at Chiefs
Bengals (-3.5) over Browns
Jags (-7) over Texans
Jets (-1) over Cardinals
Saints (-5) over 49ers
Panthers (-7) over Falcons
Titans (-3) over Vikings
Packers (+1) over Bucs
Bills (-8) at Rams
Chargers (-7.5) at Raiders
Cowboys (-11) over Redskins
Eagles (-3) at Bears
Steelers (-5.5) over Ravens
I hate John Glenn.
Well, your buddy, Buddies, got crushed last week by some idiot named John Glenn. What the hell kind of name is that anyway. Stupid astronaut asshole. My excuse? He went first and I looked at his picks to see what the lines even were, and because I hate him so much, I naturally wanted to pick against him. There it is.
Buddies' 'Redeem Team'
Broncos (-9.5) over Chiefs
Bengals (-3.5) over Browns
Jaguars (-7) over Texans
Cardinals (+1) over Jets
49ers (+5) over Saints
Falcons (+7) over Panthers
Titans (-3) over Vikings
Packers (+1) over Bucs
Bills (-8) over Rams
Raiders (+7.5) over Chargers
Redskins (+11) over Cowboys
Eagles (-3) over Bears
Ravens (+5.5) over Steelers
Glenn Defends
Broncos (-9.5) at Chiefs
Bengals (-3.5) over Browns
Jags (-7) over Texans
Jets (-1) over Cardinals
Saints (-5) over 49ers
Panthers (-7) over Falcons
Titans (-3) over Vikings
Packers (+1) over Bucs
Bills (-8) at Rams
Chargers (-7.5) at Raiders
Cowboys (-11) over Redskins
Eagles (-3) at Bears
Steelers (-5.5) over Ravens
I hate John Glenn.
Friday, September 19, 2008
NFL Week 3 Picks: FACE OFF!!!!
I've been forced into a hiatus after my Euro Vacation and moving into what is known as the "Narcottage" but I'm back to face off against that douche bag (also housemate) John Glenn (you may know him as "buttfestival") in the weekly lines. But first, here's what I think I've learned from the first two weeks of this season:
1. That Bengals pick was not so great.
2. I went with a theory of a good but aging defense plus an historically floundering offense will equate to a last place finish. This was what was behind the Bears, Titans, and Ravens last place finishes. All of those teams look at least fine, and the Titans looks pretty good. It's actually comforting to know there is still a place for a defensive team in the playoffs these days.
3. With 1 minute left in week 1 MNF, The Vikings and my fantasy team both trailed by about five points. John Glenn, aka Insano Flex, had Tarvaris Jackson and Buddies' Blankets had the funnily named Atari Bigby. In a meaningless terrible pass, Jackson thew a pick to Bigby (an 8-point swing) and gave Buddies the game. How is that a lesson learned? We learned that I'm great and Glenn sucks.
4. The NFC looks like the stronger conference. In fact, the NFC East looks stronger than the rest of the league combined.
5. Here are my possible Super Bowl Teams after two weeks, look for additions and subtractions in later weeks (in no particular order): Broncos, Eagles, Packers, Giants, Titans, Cowboys, Steelers. Looking back, I think that is my order.
So here are My Picks for week three:
Chiefs (+5.5) over Falcons
Bills (-9.5) over Raiders
Titans (-5) over Texans
Pats (-13) over Dolphins
Bucs (+3) over Bears
Rams (+9.5) over Seahawks
Vikings (-3.5) over Panthers
Lions (+4) over 49ers
Giants (-13) over Bengals
Steelers (+3) over Eagles
Cardinals (+3) over Redskins
Jags (+5) over Colts
Ravens (-2.5) over Browns
Broncos (-5.5) over Saints
Packers (+3) over Cowboys
Chargers (-10) over Jets
Glenn's Picks
Falcons(-5.5) over Chiefs
Raiders(+9.5) over Bills
Texans(+5) over Titans
Dolphins(+13) over Pats
Bucs(+3) over Bears
Seahawks(-9.5) over Rams
Vikings(-3.5) over Panthers
Niners(-4) over Lions
Giants (-13) over Bengals
Eagles(-3) over Steelers
Cardinals (+3) over Redskins
Jags (+5) over Colts
Ravens (-2.5) over Browns
Broncos (-5.5) over Saints
Cowboys (-3) over Packers
Jets (+10) over Chargers
1. That Bengals pick was not so great.
2. I went with a theory of a good but aging defense plus an historically floundering offense will equate to a last place finish. This was what was behind the Bears, Titans, and Ravens last place finishes. All of those teams look at least fine, and the Titans looks pretty good. It's actually comforting to know there is still a place for a defensive team in the playoffs these days.
3. With 1 minute left in week 1 MNF, The Vikings and my fantasy team both trailed by about five points. John Glenn, aka Insano Flex, had Tarvaris Jackson and Buddies' Blankets had the funnily named Atari Bigby. In a meaningless terrible pass, Jackson thew a pick to Bigby (an 8-point swing) and gave Buddies the game. How is that a lesson learned? We learned that I'm great and Glenn sucks.
4. The NFC looks like the stronger conference. In fact, the NFC East looks stronger than the rest of the league combined.
5. Here are my possible Super Bowl Teams after two weeks, look for additions and subtractions in later weeks (in no particular order): Broncos, Eagles, Packers, Giants, Titans, Cowboys, Steelers. Looking back, I think that is my order.
So here are My Picks for week three:
Chiefs (+5.5) over Falcons
Bills (-9.5) over Raiders
Titans (-5) over Texans
Pats (-13) over Dolphins
Bucs (+3) over Bears
Rams (+9.5) over Seahawks
Vikings (-3.5) over Panthers
Lions (+4) over 49ers
Giants (-13) over Bengals
Steelers (+3) over Eagles
Cardinals (+3) over Redskins
Jags (+5) over Colts
Ravens (-2.5) over Browns
Broncos (-5.5) over Saints
Packers (+3) over Cowboys
Chargers (-10) over Jets
Glenn's Picks
Falcons(-5.5) over Chiefs
Raiders(+9.5) over Bills
Texans(+5) over Titans
Dolphins(+13) over Pats
Bucs(+3) over Bears
Seahawks(-9.5) over Rams
Vikings(-3.5) over Panthers
Niners(-4) over Lions
Giants (-13) over Bengals
Eagles(-3) over Steelers
Cardinals (+3) over Redskins
Jags (+5) over Colts
Ravens (-2.5) over Browns
Broncos (-5.5) over Saints
Cowboys (-3) over Packers
Jets (+10) over Chargers
Friday, August 29, 2008
NFL Preview Part VIII: NFC West
The final division. A division that was owned by the 49ers when I was a lad, now belongs to the Seahawks (for now). There won't be more than one team with double digit wins here, and I don't think that that team will get any more than 10. But who knows...picks!
1) St. Louis Rams
One time Randy McMichael was on my fantasy team and he had the dreaded "O" next to his name signalling "out." "Is he injured?" I thought. Well, no...but his wife was. Suspended for domestic abuse. With that said, Marc Bulger and Stephen Jackson with a healthy O-Line and a last gas effort from Tory Holt should put these Rams in first place.
Ramstasy: None
2) Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals' receivers are so good, they make Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart look occasionally like a decent quarterback tandem. Even Steve Breaston is good. Unfortunately, their runing game is bad, their defense is bad and their quarterbacks are either frail and fumble a lot (Kurt) or are bad (Leinart). Funny sidenote, Leinart and Vince Young might end up being busts and Troy Smith might be a starting NFL quarterback. It obviously hasn't happened YET, but it's possible. Stay tuned.
Fantasy Cards: Larry Fitzgerald and Matt Leinart (way to lose your starting job, Idiot)
3) Seattle Seahawks
I think it's time for a change of pace with this division. The 'hawks will probably either win it again or be in third, subject to whether any of the other teams in the West decide to stage an uprising. I could be wrong, but I'm calling the end of their pointless reign atop this division, followed by a pointless reign by whoever else takes over. I'm really not sure where this division is going to be honest. Sorry Seattle, first the Sonics, then the Mariners, and now this. Keep your heads up.
Fantaseahawks: Ryan Plackemeier (that's right, our league has a punter)
4) San Francisco 49ers
Excuse me for being pessimistic, but I just don't think I'm buying into the J.T. O'Sullivan era.
Fantasy Niners: ...I don't think so.
I hope everyone enjoyed this glimpse into the future, I know I did (for like, the first two). Some of you might have been thinking during this, "Why did he pick The Bengals to go 8-8? Is he some kind of retarded asshole?" Well first, I don't appreciate that sort of language being thrown around, and second, yes I am Bengals fan and therefore an idiot. I am standing by that pick, but I will make a second prediction: If they lose one of their first two games, they won't go 8-8 and if they lose BOTH of their first two, they're headed back to those fabulous 3-13 years.
Alright...I think we're done here.
1) St. Louis Rams
One time Randy McMichael was on my fantasy team and he had the dreaded "O" next to his name signalling "out." "Is he injured?" I thought. Well, no...but his wife was. Suspended for domestic abuse. With that said, Marc Bulger and Stephen Jackson with a healthy O-Line and a last gas effort from Tory Holt should put these Rams in first place.
Ramstasy: None
2) Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals' receivers are so good, they make Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart look occasionally like a decent quarterback tandem. Even Steve Breaston is good. Unfortunately, their runing game is bad, their defense is bad and their quarterbacks are either frail and fumble a lot (Kurt) or are bad (Leinart). Funny sidenote, Leinart and Vince Young might end up being busts and Troy Smith might be a starting NFL quarterback. It obviously hasn't happened YET, but it's possible. Stay tuned.
Fantasy Cards: Larry Fitzgerald and Matt Leinart (way to lose your starting job, Idiot)
3) Seattle Seahawks
I think it's time for a change of pace with this division. The 'hawks will probably either win it again or be in third, subject to whether any of the other teams in the West decide to stage an uprising. I could be wrong, but I'm calling the end of their pointless reign atop this division, followed by a pointless reign by whoever else takes over. I'm really not sure where this division is going to be honest. Sorry Seattle, first the Sonics, then the Mariners, and now this. Keep your heads up.
Fantaseahawks: Ryan Plackemeier (that's right, our league has a punter)
4) San Francisco 49ers
Excuse me for being pessimistic, but I just don't think I'm buying into the J.T. O'Sullivan era.
Fantasy Niners: ...I don't think so.
I hope everyone enjoyed this glimpse into the future, I know I did (for like, the first two). Some of you might have been thinking during this, "Why did he pick The Bengals to go 8-8? Is he some kind of retarded asshole?" Well first, I don't appreciate that sort of language being thrown around, and second, yes I am Bengals fan and therefore an idiot. I am standing by that pick, but I will make a second prediction: If they lose one of their first two games, they won't go 8-8 and if they lose BOTH of their first two, they're headed back to those fabulous 3-13 years.
Alright...I think we're done here.
NFL Preview Part VII: NFC South
Your girlfriend might know this division as "the teams with the shiny helmets." So do I, actually. Now that Michael Vick is in prison, this division isn't that interesting anymore. I might be more out of touch with this division than any other, so get ready. Picks.
1) New Orleans Saints
I once wrote about how disruptive Jeremy Shockey is and how much it helps The Giants and Eli having him gone, but it helps The Saints just as much getting him. That offense has almost an endless supply of weapons and that should probably be enough to win this division. They used to remind me of The Bengals, but now Cincinnati doesn't even have a good offense anymore so that comparison no longer applies. As long as they get an actual running back to go with Reggie Bush, their offense should be enough for first place.
New Orleans Fantasy: Marques Colston
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs were mysteriously good last year but they weren't good enough to win a Wild Card playoff game at home. Gruden is a good coach, but two of their best offensive players (Joey Galloway and Jeff Garcia) are 37 and 38. If Garcia gets hurt, their backup is Luke McCown. Ouch. Oh, and this team also includes Doucheman Member Jerramy Stevens (I told you he spelled his name like an idiot). I just see any point to this team making the playoffs.
3) Atlanta Falcons
I feel that I have to put these poor bastards (the only team in this division without a shiny helmet) not in last place. It comes down to the fact that I think Matt Ryan is better than Jake Delhomme. I am not a huge fan of Matt Ryan...I'm really not even a fan, I just don't think that Jake Delhomme has ever been good. He looks good when he plays the "may the best man win" strategy throwing to Steve Smith, but Smith is out for the first two games and is threatening to have a bad year with all of his shinanigans. I say Michael Turner, Matt Ryan and Michael Jenkins team up and have a fantastic 5-11 season.
Buddies' Falcons: Michael Jenkins
4) Carolina Panthers
At this point, I'm pretty sick of having to write anything about teams who I think will finish in last place. I say Josh McCown is starting by the end of the season because of either injury, ineffectiveness, or both from Delhomme.
Fantasy Panthers: D.J. Hackett
1) New Orleans Saints
I once wrote about how disruptive Jeremy Shockey is and how much it helps The Giants and Eli having him gone, but it helps The Saints just as much getting him. That offense has almost an endless supply of weapons and that should probably be enough to win this division. They used to remind me of The Bengals, but now Cincinnati doesn't even have a good offense anymore so that comparison no longer applies. As long as they get an actual running back to go with Reggie Bush, their offense should be enough for first place.
New Orleans Fantasy: Marques Colston
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs were mysteriously good last year but they weren't good enough to win a Wild Card playoff game at home. Gruden is a good coach, but two of their best offensive players (Joey Galloway and Jeff Garcia) are 37 and 38. If Garcia gets hurt, their backup is Luke McCown. Ouch. Oh, and this team also includes Doucheman Member Jerramy Stevens (I told you he spelled his name like an idiot). I just see any point to this team making the playoffs.
3) Atlanta Falcons
I feel that I have to put these poor bastards (the only team in this division without a shiny helmet) not in last place. It comes down to the fact that I think Matt Ryan is better than Jake Delhomme. I am not a huge fan of Matt Ryan...I'm really not even a fan, I just don't think that Jake Delhomme has ever been good. He looks good when he plays the "may the best man win" strategy throwing to Steve Smith, but Smith is out for the first two games and is threatening to have a bad year with all of his shinanigans. I say Michael Turner, Matt Ryan and Michael Jenkins team up and have a fantastic 5-11 season.
Buddies' Falcons: Michael Jenkins
4) Carolina Panthers
At this point, I'm pretty sick of having to write anything about teams who I think will finish in last place. I say Josh McCown is starting by the end of the season because of either injury, ineffectiveness, or both from Delhomme.
Fantasy Panthers: D.J. Hackett
NFL Preview Part VI: NFC East
This is probably the most exciting division in football and the location of a lot of my fantasy players. Everybody seems to hate each other and everybody is at least good. I definitely have preferences between teams in this division. Picks, man.
1) Dallas Cowboys
It's not even worth saying that I hate this team anymore. They are now a caricature of themselves with this roster full of unbelievable assholes and a milquetoast at quarterback. Patrick Crayton likes to call out teams they just lost to, Terrell Owens cries when people make fun of his Quarterb...cough, boyfriend, cough cough...Quarterback, Wade Phillips likes to say that he had the better team after a playoff loss...they are the most hate-able team of my football-watching lifetime. The problem is, they are too talented not to win this division. The good news is, they aren't so talented that they will necessarily win the Super Bowl with a team full of I-don't-even-know-whats. I think that any loss to a team in this division could make them all hate each other for at least a few weeks and they have no chance at a Super Bowl Title. Too volatile and too much bad Karma.
Fantasy Cowboys: None (boycott)
2) Philadelphia Eagles
This might be my favorite team in this division. Not a lot of quarterbacks have taken more shit in their day than Donovan McNabb. Rush Limbaugh accused the media of promoting McNabb to be good just because he was black, which could have been an insightful comment...if McNabb weren't, in fact, actually good. Then T.O. ruined that team pretty effectively, and remember when the NAACP took T.O.'s side in that situation?? What the hell!??! He gets hurt on a yearly basis and when his backup steps in and plays well, there is ALWAYS conversation about trading McNabb. The truth is, when healthy, McNabb is probably a top 5 quarterback but he just gets screwed at every opportunity. Two years removed from an ACL injury is always better than one. Eagles get Wild Card spot number 1 in the NFC.
Buddies' Eagles: Brian Westbrook and Asante Samuel
3) New York Giants
You can't not like this team for what they pulled on the Patriots last year. One of the best things ever done in human history without question. Unfortunately, they lost Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan but they did add the lack of Jeremy Shockey, so maybe it'll even out. All those young guys on the defensive front line are going to have become great without Strahan's help pretty soon to win this division, but I think the confidence of winning a Super Bowl will help Eli get the G-Men the second Wild Card playoff spot in the NFC.
Giants of Fantasy: Brandon Jacobs, Amani Toomer, Justin Tuck, and Steve Smith (wow)
4) Washington Redskins
I dislike this team for an odd reason. It's the same reason (along with others) that I hated the New Jersey Nets when they kept making it to the NBA Finals. Neither team has a chance to put up a fight in their current endeavor and neither team is the least bit entertaining. Quit making the playoffs and give someone who isn't so boring a chance. If the top three teams let The Skins make the playoffs, shame on them.
Fantasy 'Skins: None
1) Dallas Cowboys
It's not even worth saying that I hate this team anymore. They are now a caricature of themselves with this roster full of unbelievable assholes and a milquetoast at quarterback. Patrick Crayton likes to call out teams they just lost to, Terrell Owens cries when people make fun of his Quarterb...cough, boyfriend, cough cough...Quarterback, Wade Phillips likes to say that he had the better team after a playoff loss...they are the most hate-able team of my football-watching lifetime. The problem is, they are too talented not to win this division. The good news is, they aren't so talented that they will necessarily win the Super Bowl with a team full of I-don't-even-know-whats. I think that any loss to a team in this division could make them all hate each other for at least a few weeks and they have no chance at a Super Bowl Title. Too volatile and too much bad Karma.
Fantasy Cowboys: None (boycott)
2) Philadelphia Eagles
This might be my favorite team in this division. Not a lot of quarterbacks have taken more shit in their day than Donovan McNabb. Rush Limbaugh accused the media of promoting McNabb to be good just because he was black, which could have been an insightful comment...if McNabb weren't, in fact, actually good. Then T.O. ruined that team pretty effectively, and remember when the NAACP took T.O.'s side in that situation?? What the hell!??! He gets hurt on a yearly basis and when his backup steps in and plays well, there is ALWAYS conversation about trading McNabb. The truth is, when healthy, McNabb is probably a top 5 quarterback but he just gets screwed at every opportunity. Two years removed from an ACL injury is always better than one. Eagles get Wild Card spot number 1 in the NFC.
Buddies' Eagles: Brian Westbrook and Asante Samuel
3) New York Giants
You can't not like this team for what they pulled on the Patriots last year. One of the best things ever done in human history without question. Unfortunately, they lost Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan but they did add the lack of Jeremy Shockey, so maybe it'll even out. All those young guys on the defensive front line are going to have become great without Strahan's help pretty soon to win this division, but I think the confidence of winning a Super Bowl will help Eli get the G-Men the second Wild Card playoff spot in the NFC.
Giants of Fantasy: Brandon Jacobs, Amani Toomer, Justin Tuck, and Steve Smith (wow)
4) Washington Redskins
I dislike this team for an odd reason. It's the same reason (along with others) that I hated the New Jersey Nets when they kept making it to the NBA Finals. Neither team has a chance to put up a fight in their current endeavor and neither team is the least bit entertaining. Quit making the playoffs and give someone who isn't so boring a chance. If the top three teams let The Skins make the playoffs, shame on them.
Fantasy 'Skins: None
NFL Preview Part V: NFC North
For the past few seasons, this has been a pretty sorry division with the likes of Rex Grossman leading his team to a division title. These days, we have two up-and-comers, one wild card (not the playoff kind), and one heap of crap. Picks.
1) Minnesota Vikings
With a solid Packers team being headed by basically a rookie quarterback, this would be a good year for the Vikings to take it. Their defense consists of a "weirdly good" combination: they have a great pass rush and mediocre coverage so when the front line forces terrible throws, the DBs are out of position already and will therefore receive easy picks (this is sort of how the '05 Bengals had so many picks against this division). They face the yet-to-be-proven Aaron Rodgers, Jon Kitna and (Insert Bears Idiot) which should all be turnover festivals. Tarvaris Jackson should play better, having been one of the thousands who were personally offended by the Favre Fiasco and, oh yeah...Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the league.
Fantasy Vikings: None (damnit)
2) Green Bay Packers
I believe that Aaron Rodgers will figure it out just a little too late for the Pack to make it into the playoffs. Green Bay is young and, now that Favre is gone, can now mature together and be back strong next year. I just wish they played the Jets...
Green Bay Fantasies: Atari Bigby
3) Detroit Lions
This team is hilarious to me because it is basically a novelty. An offensive Juggernaught run by an historically inept quarterback. The only thing of interest on this team to watch is Calvin Johnson who seems genetically engineered to play Wide Receiver and this could be his breakout year. Definitly no playoffs.
Secondhand Lions: Jon Kitna (I feel like I have all the players I hate on)
4) Chicago Bears
Although Rex Grossman has been relegated to a bench role on the Bears, he's still a future Hall of Famer on Team Doucheman. This has been a team that was based on defense but whose offense was still too bad to win a Super Bowl...but now its defense isn't good and its offense is maybe even worse. No Bernard Berrian and an exciting but quite unproven Devin Hester as their NUMBER 1 RECEIVER. Yikes. They do have a proven quarterback in Kyle Orton, the problem is, he has proven to be a bad quarterback. This team should be 3-13.
Buddies' Bearshit: None (phew)
1) Minnesota Vikings
With a solid Packers team being headed by basically a rookie quarterback, this would be a good year for the Vikings to take it. Their defense consists of a "weirdly good" combination: they have a great pass rush and mediocre coverage so when the front line forces terrible throws, the DBs are out of position already and will therefore receive easy picks (this is sort of how the '05 Bengals had so many picks against this division). They face the yet-to-be-proven Aaron Rodgers, Jon Kitna and (Insert Bears Idiot) which should all be turnover festivals. Tarvaris Jackson should play better, having been one of the thousands who were personally offended by the Favre Fiasco and, oh yeah...Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the league.
Fantasy Vikings: None (damnit)
2) Green Bay Packers
I believe that Aaron Rodgers will figure it out just a little too late for the Pack to make it into the playoffs. Green Bay is young and, now that Favre is gone, can now mature together and be back strong next year. I just wish they played the Jets...
Green Bay Fantasies: Atari Bigby
3) Detroit Lions
This team is hilarious to me because it is basically a novelty. An offensive Juggernaught run by an historically inept quarterback. The only thing of interest on this team to watch is Calvin Johnson who seems genetically engineered to play Wide Receiver and this could be his breakout year. Definitly no playoffs.
Secondhand Lions: Jon Kitna (I feel like I have all the players I hate on)
4) Chicago Bears
Although Rex Grossman has been relegated to a bench role on the Bears, he's still a future Hall of Famer on Team Doucheman. This has been a team that was based on defense but whose offense was still too bad to win a Super Bowl...but now its defense isn't good and its offense is maybe even worse. No Bernard Berrian and an exciting but quite unproven Devin Hester as their NUMBER 1 RECEIVER. Yikes. They do have a proven quarterback in Kyle Orton, the problem is, he has proven to be a bad quarterback. This team should be 3-13.
Buddies' Bearshit: None (phew)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
NFL Preview Part IV: AFC West
There's a good chance I'm out of touch with this division because I live in AFC North country, but it just doesn't seem terribly strong. Again, this is another division in which I am very low on fantasy players. A few players I want from this division...actually, let's just get to the picks.
1) Denver Broncos
Me, my friends and my sister are all in love with Jay Cutler. Something about him makes him so much less obnoxious than the Matt Leinarts of the world (and there are tons). John Glenn brought up the point that maybe playing for Vanderbilt and having the SEC drink his milkshake on a weekly basis has toughened the kid up. His first few years have not been easy and he still hasn't even done a thing to receive even an invite to Team Doucheman tryouts. I also think it's possible for a team to be 9-7 in this division and win it...at least there's a chance.
Bronco Buddies: None (sadly)
2) San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson both received Team Doucheman invites last season. Sheesh, for someone who used to be known as one of the classiest players in football, LaDainian sure is a sore loser. He's almost become a T.O. type player who I wouldn't want to pick for my fantasy team because I don't want to root for him. What happened?? That last two SD seasons have ended with a grown man pouting on the sideline and/or at a podium. Although I appreciated Philip Rivers playing the Pats tough with a torn ACL, he's still a loudmouth a-hole and, in all honesty, you can play quarterback with one ACL. It's time for this whining Schottenheimer-firing team to get it's just due. No playoffs.
Buddies' Fantasy: Vincent Jackson and Darren Sproles
3) Oakland Raiders
Oakland is becoming the Chicago Bulls of a few years ago with rookies or second year players you remember vividly and all from big name schools. I doubt Oakland can be good, but McFadden and Fargas is not a bad combo and JaMarcus Russell looks much better than Vince Young to me at this point. They also have an unbelievable pass defense which people sometimes don't notice because it's Oakland. Now that I'm thinking about it, I almost want to pick them ahead of the Chargers but I won't. I think 7-9 third place finish will be a success for this team.
Buddies' Raiders: None
4) Kansas City Chiefs
Oh man...The Chiefs are...a non team. I'm not big on Herm Edwards or Larry Johnson. This is going to be a team with a below average quarterback and a great Tight End so you know exactly what you're going to be watching with this team and it will not be interesting. Boooorrrinnng.
Buddies' Chiefs: No way man.
1) Denver Broncos
Me, my friends and my sister are all in love with Jay Cutler. Something about him makes him so much less obnoxious than the Matt Leinarts of the world (and there are tons). John Glenn brought up the point that maybe playing for Vanderbilt and having the SEC drink his milkshake on a weekly basis has toughened the kid up. His first few years have not been easy and he still hasn't even done a thing to receive even an invite to Team Doucheman tryouts. I also think it's possible for a team to be 9-7 in this division and win it...at least there's a chance.
Bronco Buddies: None (sadly)
2) San Diego Chargers
Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson both received Team Doucheman invites last season. Sheesh, for someone who used to be known as one of the classiest players in football, LaDainian sure is a sore loser. He's almost become a T.O. type player who I wouldn't want to pick for my fantasy team because I don't want to root for him. What happened?? That last two SD seasons have ended with a grown man pouting on the sideline and/or at a podium. Although I appreciated Philip Rivers playing the Pats tough with a torn ACL, he's still a loudmouth a-hole and, in all honesty, you can play quarterback with one ACL. It's time for this whining Schottenheimer-firing team to get it's just due. No playoffs.
Buddies' Fantasy: Vincent Jackson and Darren Sproles
3) Oakland Raiders
Oakland is becoming the Chicago Bulls of a few years ago with rookies or second year players you remember vividly and all from big name schools. I doubt Oakland can be good, but McFadden and Fargas is not a bad combo and JaMarcus Russell looks much better than Vince Young to me at this point. They also have an unbelievable pass defense which people sometimes don't notice because it's Oakland. Now that I'm thinking about it, I almost want to pick them ahead of the Chargers but I won't. I think 7-9 third place finish will be a success for this team.
Buddies' Raiders: None
4) Kansas City Chiefs
Oh man...The Chiefs are...a non team. I'm not big on Herm Edwards or Larry Johnson. This is going to be a team with a below average quarterback and a great Tight End so you know exactly what you're going to be watching with this team and it will not be interesting. Boooorrrinnng.
Buddies' Chiefs: No way man.
NFL Preview Part III: AFC South
The AFC South the best division in the AFC last year. There isn't really any team in this division who you would say is "in shambles," and I think that you can for every division in the league other than maybe the NFC East. The worst thing you could say about the Texans is that they are "up and coming," which isn't even a bad thing. There's also a chance that the South conspires to allow each other make the playoffs and I submit the Jim Sorgi appearance vs the Titans in week 17 as evidence. Shameful. Anyway:
1) Indianapolis Colts
This team has mastered the regular season so well that it's almost impossible to pick them to finish anywhere but number 1. I think their defense will start the season well and once Peyton and Anthony Gonzales become best buddies the O will take off and it's time for trade for Gonzales in your fantasy league. I like that there's nothing seriously wrong with Freeney and Sanders (for now) and I like that there is a quality receiver coming in behind Marvin at exactly the right time when you already have Wayne and Addai. The Jags also have a mental block concerning this team.
Fanta-Buddies: None (Why don't I have any players from the division winners? This is worrying.)
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags are kind of taking the place of The Steelers now that Pitt has decided they are a passing team and are also my other Wild Card pick. With a year like last year, you would expect either an overtaking of the division or a severe dropoff and of course I'm picking them to stay in the same spot. The reason I have them back at the 2-hole is because I think the smart money on The Jags sustaining injuries but pulling it together by playoff time. Fred Taylor is getting pretty old by the way, and if he gets hurt, they will miss him.
Fantasy: None
3) Houston Texans
Houston has no chance to make the playoffs but there isn't really anything terribly wrong with them (sort of like the Bills but not in Buffalo...which might help). They've started to play their division rivals tough and Mario Williams might just be a little bit awesome. Schaub surely is mediocre, but he's no turnover machine. It also seems like they several of these people who can replace Schaub when he gets hurt...like sharks teeth.
Houston Fantasy: Still None
4) Tennessee Titans
I love Jeff Fisher and I loved what Vince Young did to USC so many years ago but it might be a rough year. I can only describe their offense as "disgusting." Watching it doesn't make you say, "wow" or, "hmmm..." Watching Vince Young miss a two yard out route by 15 yards really just makes you say, "eww." Their games really are decided on whether a pass by the opponent is a swatted ball by Tennessee's corner or an interception for a touchdown. I just don't like having to count on pick-sixes as your main mode of scoring. I also don't like that they'll have a decent schedule. Last place.
Fan-Tenness-y: Albert Haynesworth
1) Indianapolis Colts
This team has mastered the regular season so well that it's almost impossible to pick them to finish anywhere but number 1. I think their defense will start the season well and once Peyton and Anthony Gonzales become best buddies the O will take off and it's time for trade for Gonzales in your fantasy league. I like that there's nothing seriously wrong with Freeney and Sanders (for now) and I like that there is a quality receiver coming in behind Marvin at exactly the right time when you already have Wayne and Addai. The Jags also have a mental block concerning this team.
Fanta-Buddies: None (Why don't I have any players from the division winners? This is worrying.)
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags are kind of taking the place of The Steelers now that Pitt has decided they are a passing team and are also my other Wild Card pick. With a year like last year, you would expect either an overtaking of the division or a severe dropoff and of course I'm picking them to stay in the same spot. The reason I have them back at the 2-hole is because I think the smart money on The Jags sustaining injuries but pulling it together by playoff time. Fred Taylor is getting pretty old by the way, and if he gets hurt, they will miss him.
Fantasy: None
3) Houston Texans
Houston has no chance to make the playoffs but there isn't really anything terribly wrong with them (sort of like the Bills but not in Buffalo...which might help). They've started to play their division rivals tough and Mario Williams might just be a little bit awesome. Schaub surely is mediocre, but he's no turnover machine. It also seems like they several of these people who can replace Schaub when he gets hurt...like sharks teeth.
Houston Fantasy: Still None
4) Tennessee Titans
I love Jeff Fisher and I loved what Vince Young did to USC so many years ago but it might be a rough year. I can only describe their offense as "disgusting." Watching it doesn't make you say, "wow" or, "hmmm..." Watching Vince Young miss a two yard out route by 15 yards really just makes you say, "eww." Their games really are decided on whether a pass by the opponent is a swatted ball by Tennessee's corner or an interception for a touchdown. I just don't like having to count on pick-sixes as your main mode of scoring. I also don't like that they'll have a decent schedule. Last place.
Fan-Tenness-y: Albert Haynesworth
Monday, August 25, 2008
NFL Preview Part II: AFC East
Moving clockwise along the division list and staying in the AFC, we come to last years' worst division in football, the AFC East. Last season, the AFC East, aside from New England, could only be described as "shit-tastic." Possibly the only reason The Pats even had the opportunity to go undefeated was because of this stupid division. It's not quite as bad this year with Brett and the Jets and an improved Buff and Miami (sort of), but...whatever, let's get to the picks.
1) New England Patriots
They retained Randy Moss which means they should still have the best offense in the league because when he's trying, his team always does. The only team that could possibly challenge them are the Jets and...they won't
Fantasy Friends: None
2) New York Jets
This is the place where the stupid idiot Brett Favre time wasting machine finally ended. I have to say that I am rooting against The Jets because I want Favre to fail. I just don't want anything good to come out of this situation. The problem is, the Jets have solid receivers, a good O-Line, a good running back, a boring coach, and now a future Hall of Fame Quarterback. There's no reason this team shouldn't make the playoffs, especially if they pull out a win against the Pats, which they could. I predict one win vs the Pats and one loss vs the Bills and a Wild Card spot.
Fantasy Town: None
3) Buffalo Bills
Buffalo isn't terrible, but they're certainly not at all good. Buffalo is sort of the Cleveland of New York. I think I'm done talking about the Bills.
Faaantassyyy: Obviously Nobody
4) Miami Dolphins
This division is unique because it kind of represents all tiers of NFL teams. New England being the elite team, Jets are above average, Buffalo is precisely average, and the Dolphins absolutely suck. They might be a little improved because of Chad Pennington who, unlike the other Miami quarterbacks, is not the worst starting quarterback in NFL history. Their best player is a running back who is coming back from ACL reconstruction...their number one receiver is...Ted Ginn? This team sucks and I hate this division.
Buddies' Fantasy Fellows: Are you kidding me?
NFL Preview, Part I: AFC North
The NFL is arguably the most difficult sport to predict of the big three. In baseball you'll have your Tampa Bay Rays' of the world, but on a bad year you can probably pick five out of eight playoff teams. In the NBA, the order is the most difficult part, along with the bottom 3 team in the East who don't matter one bit. But in the NFL, if you saw the playoff teams for the year before watching it, you'd probably sound a little like, "OK...Indy, New England...whoa, holy shit!" The Texans could be 10-6 this year for all we know...they're really not that bad! The point is, I'm about to rank where I believe everyone will finish in their division and pick the Wild Card teams...I can't wait to see these in 3 months. Beginning with the AFC North, let's go clockwise (I will also be listing who on the teams is also on my fantasy team...alright, here we go).
AFC North
1) Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin likes to throw the ball and Ben Roethlisberger is a great improviser. For 16 games in the regular season, I see this working. I imagine Pitt going on a sort of cruise control and winning that division because it's filled with inept and/or self destructive teams. I don't like this passing strategy with Big Ben at the helm in the playoffs however. I think only in a severe down year for the league can this team win a Super Bowl.
Buddies' Fantasy Count: None
2) Cincinnati Bengals
I've watched this team as much as anybody in the world over the past few years and they are really one of the worst teams of all time in ANY sport to be a fan of. I've never seen a team with such a nose for losing. With that said, I think they can manage a .500 season, mainly because they seem to have Baltimore and Cleveland's numbers over years. If they can go 4-2 in the division and beat Tennessee, Houston, Washington, and KC, that's 8-8 right there (I would like to predict that Palmer is hurt for the KC game and Ryan Fitzpatrick wins it, I'm not sure why). Even with these low expectations, I'm sure the Bungles will find some way to disappoint me. This is definitely not one of my Wild Card picks.
Buddies' Fantasy Folks: Keith Rivers and Chris Perry
3) Cleveland Browns
This team blew a chance at the playoffs last year and I was pretty high on them for a while, but I'm wary of teams who go against the typical personality of the city. The Old Browns were based on running and defense, and this is basically a passing team. That makes me nervous.
Anyway, I'm not sure Derek Anderson is that good. He had great receivers, a good line, a good running game, and an easy schedule last season and if he struggles, the "Brady Quinn" chants will commence (which is never a good thing). This team's defense is still not even average. They have too many expectations with a much more difficult schedule. I just see this team being under .500. Sidenote: If The Browns make the playoffs this season, we are looking at a new city of Cleveland. Maybe it's time for the dark cloud to move onto somewhere else.
Fantasy Buddies: Kellen Winslow and Phil Dawson
4) Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore's offense is as terrible as ever and their legendary defense is aging. The only thing that can keep this team above 4-12 is if Troy Smith is somehow great (which would be neat). They just got a new coach and it doesn't even seem like there is any reason for them to try this year.
Fanta-Buddies: Troy Smith, Terrell Suggs, and Ray Rice
AFC North
1) Pittsburgh Steelers
Mike Tomlin likes to throw the ball and Ben Roethlisberger is a great improviser. For 16 games in the regular season, I see this working. I imagine Pitt going on a sort of cruise control and winning that division because it's filled with inept and/or self destructive teams. I don't like this passing strategy with Big Ben at the helm in the playoffs however. I think only in a severe down year for the league can this team win a Super Bowl.
Buddies' Fantasy Count: None
2) Cincinnati Bengals
I've watched this team as much as anybody in the world over the past few years and they are really one of the worst teams of all time in ANY sport to be a fan of. I've never seen a team with such a nose for losing. With that said, I think they can manage a .500 season, mainly because they seem to have Baltimore and Cleveland's numbers over years. If they can go 4-2 in the division and beat Tennessee, Houston, Washington, and KC, that's 8-8 right there (I would like to predict that Palmer is hurt for the KC game and Ryan Fitzpatrick wins it, I'm not sure why). Even with these low expectations, I'm sure the Bungles will find some way to disappoint me. This is definitely not one of my Wild Card picks.
Buddies' Fantasy Folks: Keith Rivers and Chris Perry
3) Cleveland Browns
This team blew a chance at the playoffs last year and I was pretty high on them for a while, but I'm wary of teams who go against the typical personality of the city. The Old Browns were based on running and defense, and this is basically a passing team. That makes me nervous.
Anyway, I'm not sure Derek Anderson is that good. He had great receivers, a good line, a good running game, and an easy schedule last season and if he struggles, the "Brady Quinn" chants will commence (which is never a good thing). This team's defense is still not even average. They have too many expectations with a much more difficult schedule. I just see this team being under .500. Sidenote: If The Browns make the playoffs this season, we are looking at a new city of Cleveland. Maybe it's time for the dark cloud to move onto somewhere else.
Fantasy Buddies: Kellen Winslow and Phil Dawson
4) Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore's offense is as terrible as ever and their legendary defense is aging. The only thing that can keep this team above 4-12 is if Troy Smith is somehow great (which would be neat). They just got a new coach and it doesn't even seem like there is any reason for them to try this year.
Fanta-Buddies: Troy Smith, Terrell Suggs, and Ray Rice
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Team USA: Gold Medal Thoughts
Coach K and The Boys pulled it off. It started off easy, then NOT SO EASY, then it was over. Here are some thoughts about Olympic Ball:
- That last game was pretty great. First, it was on at 2:30 am, which meant I felt like I may have been the only person I know watching it live. Second, it was a legitimately close game. Both teams hit huge shots, which brings me to my second bullet.
- Team USA included three players (Kobe, LeBron, Wade, and to a lesser extent, Deron Williams and Chris Paul) who have experience in big games not allowing their teams to lose. That particular group hit big threes, threes which they have missed most of the passed two weeks, that ended up allowing them to survive an "A+ game," as LeBron put it, from Spain.
- The officiating in the Gold Medal Game was pretty horrendous. I hate when players get bailed out by the refs when they are out of control and that's exactly what happened on BOTH sides. The score was 69-61 at the end of the first half. WHAT THE HELL?!?! That is so many points!! That ridiculous score had a lot to do with turnovers turning into foul shots because of lame calls.
- Why couldn't we guard Juan Carlos Navarro? That was shocking and frustrating. I expect Jason Kidd to get burnt by everyone at this point, but Chris Paul? Weird.
- Portland looks like they are really in for a treat with this Rudy Fernandez character. He dunked on DWIGHT HOWARD! I started rooting for him a little by the end (as did assistant USA Coach Nate McMillan no doubt).
- Conversely, Marc Gasol looks to be a future hated player in the NBA. He looks like a taller, uglier homeless version of Jack Black with alcoholism and he also looks like a smells really bad. He seems like a dirty player and as much as I liked Rudy by the end of the game, I hated Marc just as much.
- The three most effective players on the USA Team were probably LeBron, Wade, and Chris Bosh. All three point guards were good, but a little inconsistent (except for Kidd, he was always useless), Kobe and Carmelo were predictably weird, and Dwight Howard's American to overseas exchange rate was pretty low. With LeBron controlling the game (with the occasional "Heat Check 3," a play straight out of the Cleveland Playbook), Wade constantly attacking, and Bosh running the floor and MAKING FREE THROWS, the recipe was there for Gold.
- John Glenn brought up the issue of whether the reason Duke has sucked over the last few years is because Krzyzewski has been hanging out with Team USA and not doing, well...Duke stuff. Maybe that's why their team is comprised of almost exclusively three point chucking white people.
- In the end, we learned this USA team could have been beaten. It would have taken a similar game to what we saw from Spain and a choke job from USA, but it could have happened. We also learned that Glenn owes me $20.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Mo Williams
Maurice Williams was acquired by the Cavs today in a three team deal involving Milwaukee and the OKC Somethings. Cleveland sent out Damon "Goofball" Jones to The Bucks and reliable and lovable veteran forward Joe Smith to The Oklahoma City Extortionists. Mo, probably not even the best player on his now former team, has received almost a saviors welcome on Cavs forums. This may look like an overreaction to a player of his caliber, but Cleveland has reason to be excited.
First off, the price tag on Mo was remarkably low. Though I call Damon and Joe a low price, it will be sad to see the both of them go for very different reasons.
Damon Jones is a huge idiot...but in a good way. His antics were always entertaining and we'll always have the YouTube clip of The Chuckster shouting, "Oh my God! Go back to Damon Jones' coat!!" The best thing about Damon though was probably that when everyone on Cleveland was injured or had just been traded, he always played pretty well, and that is admirable. Still, he just isn't very good and is worth more as an expiring contract than an actual player. We also have a guy in Boobie Gibson who does the same things and more and is younger and better at everything. Joe Smith will also be sorely missed. He was a consistent and not offensively retarded power forward which you cannot say for most of Cleveland's front line. He was also a veteran with a friendly smile who was easy to root for.
With that said, Mo Williams is the best player that has come to Cleveland via free agency or trade or draft since the LeBron era began almost without question.
Tangent: One of the biggest reasons I root for the Cavs, aside from proximity, is due to the most extreme case of pity in the history of fandom. The City of Cleveland has been stuck in sports purgatory for too long. Cleveland is not quite cool enough a city to entice free agents or attract love from the media but the fans are enthusiastic enough that every time their teams come up short, it hurts just the same. And they always come up short. That's why if The Cavs were to somehow avoid winning a title with the gift given to them from the Basketball Gods named LeBron James, it would be simply too much.
Back on track.
When I heard about this possible deal, I was skeptical, as I always am about a little guy on a bad team who takes a ton of shots, especially shots off the dribble. As the deal became more and more real, I slowly (and then very very quickly) warmed up to him. First, he shot 48% last season (on shots that I may have deemed to be ridiculous) and averaged over 6 assists. Those aren't really the statistics of a "chucker," which is what I dislike so much in some players. The clincher though, and I don't know why this means so much to me, was that I heard him interviewed by the Cleveland local radio guy. He seemed like a funny smart guy with a solid attitude. When asked about improving his defense, he didn't get defensive (no pun intended), he just seemed confident and not cocky with the correct amount of resentment for the accusation that he can't play on the defensive end. Liked it.
Depending on how well Mo meshes with LeBron, this could be the beginning of Ferry's Redemption in building a title team. Though Mo is not an All Star (not yet anyway) with the Mo Deal, Gibson's re-signing, the drafting of J.J. Hickson, and the Kinsey signing, The Cavaliers are slowly but surely becoming younger, better, more athletic, while conserving their trade assets at the same time. While they may not yet be at a championship level, you can at least see what Cleveland is trying to do. They have a path.
Ferry may be slow to pull the trigger sometimes, but isn't that a good thing? Ferry isn't afraid to do something that is unimpressive to fans, but may be important to the team (like the Kinsey signing). My trust in this guy is growing. All he can hope is that LeBron feels the same way.
First off, the price tag on Mo was remarkably low. Though I call Damon and Joe a low price, it will be sad to see the both of them go for very different reasons.
Damon Jones is a huge idiot...but in a good way. His antics were always entertaining and we'll always have the YouTube clip of The Chuckster shouting, "Oh my God! Go back to Damon Jones' coat!!" The best thing about Damon though was probably that when everyone on Cleveland was injured or had just been traded, he always played pretty well, and that is admirable. Still, he just isn't very good and is worth more as an expiring contract than an actual player. We also have a guy in Boobie Gibson who does the same things and more and is younger and better at everything. Joe Smith will also be sorely missed. He was a consistent and not offensively retarded power forward which you cannot say for most of Cleveland's front line. He was also a veteran with a friendly smile who was easy to root for.
With that said, Mo Williams is the best player that has come to Cleveland via free agency or trade or draft since the LeBron era began almost without question.
Tangent: One of the biggest reasons I root for the Cavs, aside from proximity, is due to the most extreme case of pity in the history of fandom. The City of Cleveland has been stuck in sports purgatory for too long. Cleveland is not quite cool enough a city to entice free agents or attract love from the media but the fans are enthusiastic enough that every time their teams come up short, it hurts just the same. And they always come up short. That's why if The Cavs were to somehow avoid winning a title with the gift given to them from the Basketball Gods named LeBron James, it would be simply too much.
Back on track.
When I heard about this possible deal, I was skeptical, as I always am about a little guy on a bad team who takes a ton of shots, especially shots off the dribble. As the deal became more and more real, I slowly (and then very very quickly) warmed up to him. First, he shot 48% last season (on shots that I may have deemed to be ridiculous) and averaged over 6 assists. Those aren't really the statistics of a "chucker," which is what I dislike so much in some players. The clincher though, and I don't know why this means so much to me, was that I heard him interviewed by the Cleveland local radio guy. He seemed like a funny smart guy with a solid attitude. When asked about improving his defense, he didn't get defensive (no pun intended), he just seemed confident and not cocky with the correct amount of resentment for the accusation that he can't play on the defensive end. Liked it.
Depending on how well Mo meshes with LeBron, this could be the beginning of Ferry's Redemption in building a title team. Though Mo is not an All Star (not yet anyway) with the Mo Deal, Gibson's re-signing, the drafting of J.J. Hickson, and the Kinsey signing, The Cavaliers are slowly but surely becoming younger, better, more athletic, while conserving their trade assets at the same time. While they may not yet be at a championship level, you can at least see what Cleveland is trying to do. They have a path.
Ferry may be slow to pull the trigger sometimes, but isn't that a good thing? Ferry isn't afraid to do something that is unimpressive to fans, but may be important to the team (like the Kinsey signing). My trust in this guy is growing. All he can hope is that LeBron feels the same way.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Brett Favre
Well, we have been wasting our lives with Brett's Bullshit (not as good) for a few......years? Seems like years... Anyway, the final conclusion is that everyone involved is wrong...EVERYONE...except for Aaron Rodgers. Let's go through the rundown:
The Green Bay Packers
For starters, The Pack may have pressured Favre to leave or make a decision or something. This forced an old gunslinger to make an emotional gut decision (maybe the only type of decision he's ever made) about the thing that means the most to him, competing. After that and after Brett continued to pretend to be retired, they committed to Aaron Rodgers, which is completely fine. Then Favre wanted back in and Green Bay continued to be committed to Rodgers as their quarterback of the future...still fine. Then they offered the most beloved player in the history of their franchise a role as a backup...not fine. Then they offered him a ton of money to stay retired...NOT AT ALL fine. Then, after ruining the lives of sports fans by making us watch (not all of us, some boycotted) thousands of hours of this CRAP, they traded him to the Jets for a 3RD ROUND PICK.
There's nothing wrong with 3rd round picks, but was it really worth it? I like Brett Favre, The Packers, ESPN, and the world less now because of all of this. Everyone looks bad. Everyone is pissed off. 3rd round pick?? Give me a break!!! If they went back to the point in the time line where things went from "fine" to "not fine," things would have stayed, well...fine.
If you're the Packers' front office, you want Aaron Rodgers, Brett wants to play...release him! I know you might lose him to the Bears or the Vikings, but what are you, scared? You're the ones who don't want him and he is 38. It's not like you're giving him away and he's poised to beat you up for years to come. You're the one with the young talented team with a young quarterback and a hard hitting defense in the weaker conference. And even if you are scared, treat the man right, he was your team for what, 16 years?? Terrible.
Brett Favre
We all love Brett Favre because he plays with his gut. The problem is, that very characteristic is what makes it just about impossible for him to retire gracefully. My sister called me the other day and asked me what I thought of the "Favre Situation." Well... I hate it, but the second question she asked was, "Is Brett Favre crazy?" To clarify, she did NOT mean, "Oh that Favre, what a nut!" After watching his various press conferences, she was legitimately questioning what his brain was really doing.
I don't know if Brett Favre is crazy. He is a great competitor and a nice guy, but not a rocket scientist. One of the rumors about Brett is that he has almost no hobbies other than football. More specifically, playing football. He's not the type to coach and he's not the type to "analyze." What's he gonna do, fish? Going from playing in the NFC Championship to nothing is probably pretty hard, but guess what; just because you love the game doesn't give you the right to push your former team to make unpopular decisions and possibly ruin the career of the kid you were supposed to mentor. Favre shouldn't shoulder all the blame for this situation, but there is no way he is at no fault at all.
Packer Fans: Hey Packer fans, way to boo the poor kid who is supposed to be the future of your franchise after he's already been screwed over by his former mentor, idiots. I want him to succeed because of how much crap he's had to go through, but you don't deserve his success. Shame.
Packer Players: Not much here, but I have heard rumors that some players have been rumbling about how they want Favre back. Get over him and back your current quarterback.
ESPN: Maybe the worst of all. I didn't have to hear about this situation until he got traded but guess what, I did. Everyone did, all the time, all day, it never ended. It still hasn't ended. Just because you say, "Ha ha, it just wouldn't be NFL Live if we didn't talk about 'The Brett Favre Saga!!'" does NOT make it OK. I didn't think I could dislike Trey Wingo more but this stupid shit has done the impossible. Brett Favre to the Jets should have been an interesting story, but I will never speak of this again. Boycott. Just shut up everyone, SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.
The Green Bay Packers
For starters, The Pack may have pressured Favre to leave or make a decision or something. This forced an old gunslinger to make an emotional gut decision (maybe the only type of decision he's ever made) about the thing that means the most to him, competing. After that and after Brett continued to pretend to be retired, they committed to Aaron Rodgers, which is completely fine. Then Favre wanted back in and Green Bay continued to be committed to Rodgers as their quarterback of the future...still fine. Then they offered the most beloved player in the history of their franchise a role as a backup...not fine. Then they offered him a ton of money to stay retired...NOT AT ALL fine. Then, after ruining the lives of sports fans by making us watch (not all of us, some boycotted) thousands of hours of this CRAP, they traded him to the Jets for a 3RD ROUND PICK.
There's nothing wrong with 3rd round picks, but was it really worth it? I like Brett Favre, The Packers, ESPN, and the world less now because of all of this. Everyone looks bad. Everyone is pissed off. 3rd round pick?? Give me a break!!! If they went back to the point in the time line where things went from "fine" to "not fine," things would have stayed, well...fine.
If you're the Packers' front office, you want Aaron Rodgers, Brett wants to play...release him! I know you might lose him to the Bears or the Vikings, but what are you, scared? You're the ones who don't want him and he is 38. It's not like you're giving him away and he's poised to beat you up for years to come. You're the one with the young talented team with a young quarterback and a hard hitting defense in the weaker conference. And even if you are scared, treat the man right, he was your team for what, 16 years?? Terrible.
Brett Favre
We all love Brett Favre because he plays with his gut. The problem is, that very characteristic is what makes it just about impossible for him to retire gracefully. My sister called me the other day and asked me what I thought of the "Favre Situation." Well... I hate it, but the second question she asked was, "Is Brett Favre crazy?" To clarify, she did NOT mean, "Oh that Favre, what a nut!" After watching his various press conferences, she was legitimately questioning what his brain was really doing.
I don't know if Brett Favre is crazy. He is a great competitor and a nice guy, but not a rocket scientist. One of the rumors about Brett is that he has almost no hobbies other than football. More specifically, playing football. He's not the type to coach and he's not the type to "analyze." What's he gonna do, fish? Going from playing in the NFC Championship to nothing is probably pretty hard, but guess what; just because you love the game doesn't give you the right to push your former team to make unpopular decisions and possibly ruin the career of the kid you were supposed to mentor. Favre shouldn't shoulder all the blame for this situation, but there is no way he is at no fault at all.
Packer Fans: Hey Packer fans, way to boo the poor kid who is supposed to be the future of your franchise after he's already been screwed over by his former mentor, idiots. I want him to succeed because of how much crap he's had to go through, but you don't deserve his success. Shame.
Packer Players: Not much here, but I have heard rumors that some players have been rumbling about how they want Favre back. Get over him and back your current quarterback.
ESPN: Maybe the worst of all. I didn't have to hear about this situation until he got traded but guess what, I did. Everyone did, all the time, all day, it never ended. It still hasn't ended. Just because you say, "Ha ha, it just wouldn't be NFL Live if we didn't talk about 'The Brett Favre Saga!!'" does NOT make it OK. I didn't think I could dislike Trey Wingo more but this stupid shit has done the impossible. Brett Favre to the Jets should have been an interesting story, but I will never speak of this again. Boycott. Just shut up everyone, SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Karma Year/World Series Pick
My brother has an expression when he feels like he's living in a world in which he doesn't belong.
"It's like living in Biff's 1985," he says. For those of you who don't know, the concept of Biff's 1985 is from Back to the Future Part II. In the year 2015, the trilogy's recurring villain, and generally an unsavory brute, Biff Tannen hijacks the time traveling Delorean, goes back in time, and gives his younger self a sports almanac for the "future," allowing him to bet with a 100% success rate on all sporting events and eventually makes him the most powerful man in Hill Valley. When the protagonist, Marty McFly, returns (from 2015) to 1985 from, he finds his home town looking like a dirtier and sleazier Las Vegas, his father dead, and his mother married to the very same Biff -- still unsavory, but now unfathomably rich.
For most of my "sports life," I have felt like Marty living in Biff's 1985. It goes without saying that my teams never won, and I can stomach that. It just seems that every time I've have any preference about who wins a game or series, that team is doomed. Perhaps I just have a soft spot for teams I know deep down won't win. In any case, in a world where Kobe Bryant is the face of the NBA, Alex Rodriguez is the face of baseball, Charlie Weiss is perceived as a member of the human race, Tony Romo is dating two famous divas (Jessica Simpson/Terrell Owens) -- well, as my Grandpa would say, "I feel irrelevant." I have long felt irrelevant to the sports world, and this year started out just as bad as all the others.
Let's start with football and more specifically, the New England Patriots. Their coaching staff was caught cheating but never lost. Rodney Harrison was on PEDs but it was forgotten. They even acquired Junior Seau after his obnoxious speech about "graduating" and the Football Gods still gave them break after break. They they spat in the faces of these Gods by attempting to go undefeated in the NFL. Were they punished? No! They were spared the chore of playing the Colts in the AFC Championship game and got to play a LaDanian Tomlinson-less and Phillips Rivers' ACL-less Chargers team instead. And then they get Eli in the Super Bowl? Eli?!?
Then, something changed. New England's luck ran out. I couldn't believe it! Did the team that karmically deserved to win actually win?? What was going on? That's when I realized, if New England had lost to the Ravens or Eagles in the regular season, this wouldn't have been half as good. This year was different. The Karma Year.
Moving onto basketball and the arrogance of Memphis and John Calipari. It turns out free throw shooting does matter and the "dribble drive" offense doesn't be winning championships. Then the NBA Finals. After the interview-before-you-play-the-game/series-acting-like-you've-already-won kiss of death from Stephen A. Smith, the media pretending that asking to be traded even smells like leadership, the "Pau Gasol Christmas," and the unbelievable and creepy crush that Mark Jackson seems to have on Kobe, the Celtics basically crushed them. I saw that one coming though. By that time, I was onto the Karma Year.
Now, I'm trying to get ahead, so here is my World Series prediction: Dodgers over Yankees in 6.
Of course, it would be hard to top seeing the Jeter/A-Rod/Giambino Yankees fail to make the playoffs, but this is what the Karma year does. It makes you feel hopeless. It allows the most detestable team to get all the way to the Championship game with all cylinders running and the media on their side. You will see a hundred million sentimental "win one for the last year of Yankee Stadium" pieces. You'll emotionally numb yourself to the point where you'll believe it was meant to happen. "Maybe they should win one in the last year in the 'House that Ruth Built.'" Then, it'll all come unraveled for the Yanks and you'll remember how much pain the pinstripes have caused you and your team (they probably have stolen one or two of your players) over the years and you'll rejoice.
OK, so... how I choose LA to be the team to take down the Yankees? Well, I had it narrowed down to LA, Chicago, and Milwaukee, and after the Manny Trade, it became all too obvious. However the most important basis for this prediction is, of course, the fact that it could continue a possible pattern for the Karma Year. In the Super Bowl, The New York Giants were the fan-friendly soldiers of Karma defeating evil in Boston's own New England Patriots. In the NBA Finals, Boston's role switched when the Celtics were the vanquishers of evil, defeating Kobe and the Lakeshow. In the World Series, LA will be the team to overcome the reprehensible New York Yankees who, coincidentally (or not), share the same residence as the wonderful team who defeated the Pats in Super Bowl XLII, The New York (football) Giants. The Circle of Karma is completed.
If this really happens, we'll know that either A) That all sports are fixed, or B) That there really are sports gods and that we're all safe and sound, back in the year 1985. I'll choose to believe the latter.
"It's like living in Biff's 1985," he says. For those of you who don't know, the concept of Biff's 1985 is from Back to the Future Part II. In the year 2015, the trilogy's recurring villain, and generally an unsavory brute, Biff Tannen hijacks the time traveling Delorean, goes back in time, and gives his younger self a sports almanac for the "future," allowing him to bet with a 100% success rate on all sporting events and eventually makes him the most powerful man in Hill Valley. When the protagonist, Marty McFly, returns (from 2015) to 1985 from, he finds his home town looking like a dirtier and sleazier Las Vegas, his father dead, and his mother married to the very same Biff -- still unsavory, but now unfathomably rich.
For most of my "sports life," I have felt like Marty living in Biff's 1985. It goes without saying that my teams never won, and I can stomach that. It just seems that every time I've have any preference about who wins a game or series, that team is doomed. Perhaps I just have a soft spot for teams I know deep down won't win. In any case, in a world where Kobe Bryant is the face of the NBA, Alex Rodriguez is the face of baseball, Charlie Weiss is perceived as a member of the human race, Tony Romo is dating two famous divas (Jessica Simpson/Terrell Owens) -- well, as my Grandpa would say, "I feel irrelevant." I have long felt irrelevant to the sports world, and this year started out just as bad as all the others.
Let's start with football and more specifically, the New England Patriots. Their coaching staff was caught cheating but never lost. Rodney Harrison was on PEDs but it was forgotten. They even acquired Junior Seau after his obnoxious speech about "graduating" and the Football Gods still gave them break after break. They they spat in the faces of these Gods by attempting to go undefeated in the NFL. Were they punished? No! They were spared the chore of playing the Colts in the AFC Championship game and got to play a LaDanian Tomlinson-less and Phillips Rivers' ACL-less Chargers team instead. And then they get Eli in the Super Bowl? Eli?!?
Then, something changed. New England's luck ran out. I couldn't believe it! Did the team that karmically deserved to win actually win?? What was going on? That's when I realized, if New England had lost to the Ravens or Eagles in the regular season, this wouldn't have been half as good. This year was different. The Karma Year.
Moving onto basketball and the arrogance of Memphis and John Calipari. It turns out free throw shooting does matter and the "dribble drive" offense doesn't be winning championships. Then the NBA Finals. After the interview-before-you-play-the-game/series-acting-like-you've-already-won kiss of death from Stephen A. Smith, the media pretending that asking to be traded even smells like leadership, the "Pau Gasol Christmas," and the unbelievable and creepy crush that Mark Jackson seems to have on Kobe, the Celtics basically crushed them. I saw that one coming though. By that time, I was onto the Karma Year.
Now, I'm trying to get ahead, so here is my World Series prediction: Dodgers over Yankees in 6.
Of course, it would be hard to top seeing the Jeter/A-Rod/Giambino Yankees fail to make the playoffs, but this is what the Karma year does. It makes you feel hopeless. It allows the most detestable team to get all the way to the Championship game with all cylinders running and the media on their side. You will see a hundred million sentimental "win one for the last year of Yankee Stadium" pieces. You'll emotionally numb yourself to the point where you'll believe it was meant to happen. "Maybe they should win one in the last year in the 'House that Ruth Built.'" Then, it'll all come unraveled for the Yanks and you'll remember how much pain the pinstripes have caused you and your team (they probably have stolen one or two of your players) over the years and you'll rejoice.
OK, so... how I choose LA to be the team to take down the Yankees? Well, I had it narrowed down to LA, Chicago, and Milwaukee, and after the Manny Trade, it became all too obvious. However the most important basis for this prediction is, of course, the fact that it could continue a possible pattern for the Karma Year. In the Super Bowl, The New York Giants were the fan-friendly soldiers of Karma defeating evil in Boston's own New England Patriots. In the NBA Finals, Boston's role switched when the Celtics were the vanquishers of evil, defeating Kobe and the Lakeshow. In the World Series, LA will be the team to overcome the reprehensible New York Yankees who, coincidentally (or not), share the same residence as the wonderful team who defeated the Pats in Super Bowl XLII, The New York (football) Giants. The Circle of Karma is completed.
If this really happens, we'll know that either A) That all sports are fixed, or B) That there really are sports gods and that we're all safe and sound, back in the year 1985. I'll choose to believe the latter.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Corrections
I'm not really sure if I should call these "corrections" but there's a few things in my earlier posts I'd like to comment on. First, in my baseball post, I proposed moving the Houston Astros from the NL Central to the AL West to even out the leagues. One reason they probably haven't done this is because that would make the leagues have 15 teams each which would make scheduling difficult. If you continue to only play your own league (until inter league play), there would be a team with three consecutive off days all the time (or something like that) and that wouldn't be fun. My proposed solution is to play inter league play throughout the season instead of during a couple month long periods or whatever they do now. The odd teams out in each league would play each other and then go back to normal. I don't really know how scheduling works but I'm sticking by my idea until someone writes in and proves that I'm an idiot.
In my Shockey article, I stated that he was the starting Tight End on something called "Team Doucheman." I may have been jumping the gun here. Shockey is certainly a jerk, but making the Douche Squad takes something special. For example, the real starting Tight End is HOLY SHIT THE ROCKETS JUST GOT RON ARTEST. IF THEY DON'T GET INJURED AND YAO PLAYS LIKE A MAN, THEY ARE A TITLE CONTENDER. Anyway, it's Jeremi Stevens (the ways I spelled both those names are probably wrong, but I feel like he spells it dumb. Plus, who cares? He's a douche). He talked so much trash before the Seattle/Pittsburgh Super Bowl only to drop several passes in a tight, poorly played game. What a douche.
I'm sure I've said more dumb things, but that's all I have for now.
In my Shockey article, I stated that he was the starting Tight End on something called "Team Doucheman." I may have been jumping the gun here. Shockey is certainly a jerk, but making the Douche Squad takes something special. For example, the real starting Tight End is HOLY SHIT THE ROCKETS JUST GOT RON ARTEST. IF THEY DON'T GET INJURED AND YAO PLAYS LIKE A MAN, THEY ARE A TITLE CONTENDER. Anyway, it's Jeremi Stevens (the ways I spelled both those names are probably wrong, but I feel like he spells it dumb. Plus, who cares? He's a douche). He talked so much trash before the Seattle/Pittsburgh Super Bowl only to drop several passes in a tight, poorly played game. What a douche.
I'm sure I've said more dumb things, but that's all I have for now.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Jeremy Shockey
The trade involving Jeremy Shockey this weekend most likely helped both teams but I'm guessing The Giants didn't even have to think about it. In spite of his starting roll on Team Doucheman: NFL Edition, Shockey is still a very good player and a Tight End that can get open will be extremely helpful for New Orleans, a team who threw about a million interceptions last season. But The Giants receive draft picks and most importantly, they get something for a guy who has been experimentally proven not to help the team.
Shockey averaged 4 receptions and 45 yards a game in the regular season before he got hurt and had 3 TDs. Kevin Boss, Shockey's playoff replacement, had about a catch a game and zero touchdowns during the playoffs. Looking at the stats, you might wonder how the Giants pulled off their Super Bowl win without Shockey.
Remember how The Giants were the most unhappy, dysfunctional team (other than The Bungles) in the NFL? What happened? The fact is, a player with a large personality who uses it to question the guy (Eli) who should be leading the team CANNOT be helpful no matter how talented he is. Especially when you have a guy like Eli who needs at least a little help raising his voice in a crowd. Look at Michael Strahan. Michael has a HUGE personality, but he used it to help a talented kid who still has the disposition of a little brother.
Think about this: You are one of the best players on a team, you get hurt, and your team miraculously makes it to the Super Bowl. Don't you at least try to hang out on the sidelines to be a part of that? (He may not have been allowed to because he probably wasn't on the playoff roster. I don't know because I'm an idiot.) Well Shockey, instead, sat by himself in a box and got hammered drunk throughout the game. That could have been OK (maybe) if he were shirtless and freaking out like a soccer hooligan when his team was upsetting the 18-0 New England AntiChrists, but no. Shockey seemed completely indifferent to the outcome of the game.
On "Mike and Mike in the Morning," they asked The Giants' GM whether or not Shockey getting hurt helped them in the long run. He answered something like, "No. That's unfair to Jeremy. He was a very good player for our football team." When you ask a guy if someone getting hurt helped his team and his answer is, "He was a very good player for our football team," that means, "I don't really wanna talk about it, but probably." When your Super Bowl run begins right after some guy with high trade value who nobody really likes anyway gets hurt, is that the biggest no-brainer trade ever? It's gotta be up there.
Shockey averaged 4 receptions and 45 yards a game in the regular season before he got hurt and had 3 TDs. Kevin Boss, Shockey's playoff replacement, had about a catch a game and zero touchdowns during the playoffs. Looking at the stats, you might wonder how the Giants pulled off their Super Bowl win without Shockey.
Remember how The Giants were the most unhappy, dysfunctional team (other than The Bungles) in the NFL? What happened? The fact is, a player with a large personality who uses it to question the guy (Eli) who should be leading the team CANNOT be helpful no matter how talented he is. Especially when you have a guy like Eli who needs at least a little help raising his voice in a crowd. Look at Michael Strahan. Michael has a HUGE personality, but he used it to help a talented kid who still has the disposition of a little brother.
Think about this: You are one of the best players on a team, you get hurt, and your team miraculously makes it to the Super Bowl. Don't you at least try to hang out on the sidelines to be a part of that? (He may not have been allowed to because he probably wasn't on the playoff roster. I don't know because I'm an idiot.) Well Shockey, instead, sat by himself in a box and got hammered drunk throughout the game. That could have been OK (maybe) if he were shirtless and freaking out like a soccer hooligan when his team was upsetting the 18-0 New England AntiChrists, but no. Shockey seemed completely indifferent to the outcome of the game.
On "Mike and Mike in the Morning," they asked The Giants' GM whether or not Shockey getting hurt helped them in the long run. He answered something like, "No. That's unfair to Jeremy. He was a very good player for our football team." When you ask a guy if someone getting hurt helped his team and his answer is, "He was a very good player for our football team," that means, "I don't really wanna talk about it, but probably." When your Super Bowl run begins right after some guy with high trade value who nobody really likes anyway gets hurt, is that the biggest no-brainer trade ever? It's gotta be up there.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ron Artest
I just read that the Cavs are most likely not making an attempt at trading for the instigator of the worst brawl in NBA history, Ron Artest, because they don't want to take on the two year commitment to Kenny Thomas and his hilarious contract. That's right, the Cavs don't want to take on a bad contract. I understand Ferry wanting to avoid bad contracts after his love affair with them during his freshman year as the Cleveland GM, but he needs to make this trade for two reason. 1) It's only for two years, one more year than Wally Szczerbiak's bad contract (and worth less per year) which will be traded away. 2) It's fucking Ron Artest.
Ronny gets paid around $8 million for this last year and, I guess, there could be trouble signing him for more years if he plays well. However, if someone were to actually enjoy the city of Cleveland, it would be Ron Artest. Not to mention, he is his own agent (which is potentially comical). That means, if he likes Cleveland, he wouldn't have some d bag whispering in his ear and telling him to sign with L.A. or NY if he has a lucrative contract year.
Just think of this: if you, as a coach, want to put on a full court press, how would you like to have LeBron James and Ron Artest pressuring the ball? Is there any chance they manage to get the ball across half court? What if you decide to send an old Ben Wallace over there too (and by the way, the Artest/Wallace history just makes everything more fun)? And although Artest is known as a defensive player, he would still immediately the Cavaliers' second best scorer, and the best scorer they've had since LeBron was on the team other than LeBron himself.
Let's also look at some other options Cleveland have been looking at to help out The King:
1) Micheal Redd
Maybe the most obvious and most often brought up trade target for Cleveland, Redd was one of the most talented players to ever play for the Buckeyes and helped take them to the Final Four and plays with LeBron on the USA National Team. His defense and team-playerability (fake word) may be questionable, but the one thing Micheal Redd is is a scoring machine. This, of course, would be a welcome addition to The James Gang because the area in which The Gang is most greatly lacking is scoring (or really anything helpful) from the shooting guard position. There is really no downside to getting Michael Redd for the Cavs. The problem is twofold: 1) Anderson Varejao is undoubtedly involved in the potential trade and he is rumored to have nixed it (something he loses the ability to do before the trade deadline). Problem number 2) Milwaukee might actually have the delusion that a team of Michael Redd, Mo Williams, and Richard Jefferson isn't still horrible. This could cause The Bucks to hold onto Redd if they think they will be contenders in the Eastern Conference this year (which they will not). Both these problems could easily be solved by making this trade at the trading deadline which I expect to happen if nothing else happens for the Cavs before then.
2) Monta Ellis
This an interesting idea but, no matter how much I think about it, it never seems like a very good one. Ellis is a guy who scores a lot, but is tiny and will be overpaid throughout his career. I know Cleveland is in need of scoring, but this team is shaping up to be a team based on athleticism, defense, strength, and overall bigness. The Lakers in the finals were overwhelmed by the bigger, stronger, less European Celtics. The Eastern Conference seems to be figuring out that overpowering the West is the best way to beat them, and I think that's where the Cavs want to be headed. Acquiring a mouse-like shooting guard is not a step in that direction.
3) Vince Carter
I hate this idea and anyone who thinks it's even reasonable. I know he'll be traded for cheap and was once a great athlete, but he's cheap because he's useless. Vince Carter is not a bad person, but he is indifferent to winning. A team trying to mean business does not want Vince Carter. He's also old. There's nothing about this I don't hate.
4) J.R. Smith
I can't say I like this idea at all either. People have said they believe that J.R. could be LeBron's second banana, but I don't see it. I have many problems with this guy. First, he is on the Nuggets, and what's more, he looks like he belongs on the Nuggets. This Denver team is one of the dumbest, most unlikable teams I've ever seen and I would not trade for anybody on it (unless he had a David Lee vibe where he clearly hated playing on that team). Second, Smith's actions on the court show no direction or focus on any real goal, a little like Vince. J.R. is a streak shooter and above average athlete and that seems to be it. Third, I would not trade Delonte West or Boobie Gibson for him even though he might be a more productive player than both of them and here is why: Delonte and Boobie have rolls and play them, I would say, very well. All Boobie and West are asked to do is be solid outside shooters and be able to get the offense started (pass to LeBron immediately), but they do it. J.R. would be asked to be a high volume consistent scorer and second best player and starting shooting guard. I feel that Smith would be a disappointment at those tasks and therefore, is not worth getting because people who can fill those rolls do, in fact, exist.
Some of these trades I like and some of them I very much dislike. The only two I would be truly happy about are Michael Redd or Ron Artest, but I would have to say that I prefer Artest because of his defense, history of winning (ignoring his history of violence), and the fact that he, somewhat shockingly, is the samg age as Redd. And the fact is, if anyone belongs in Cleveland (big "if"), it's Ron.
Ronny gets paid around $8 million for this last year and, I guess, there could be trouble signing him for more years if he plays well. However, if someone were to actually enjoy the city of Cleveland, it would be Ron Artest. Not to mention, he is his own agent (which is potentially comical). That means, if he likes Cleveland, he wouldn't have some d bag whispering in his ear and telling him to sign with L.A. or NY if he has a lucrative contract year.
Just think of this: if you, as a coach, want to put on a full court press, how would you like to have LeBron James and Ron Artest pressuring the ball? Is there any chance they manage to get the ball across half court? What if you decide to send an old Ben Wallace over there too (and by the way, the Artest/Wallace history just makes everything more fun)? And although Artest is known as a defensive player, he would still immediately the Cavaliers' second best scorer, and the best scorer they've had since LeBron was on the team other than LeBron himself.
Let's also look at some other options Cleveland have been looking at to help out The King:
1) Micheal Redd
Maybe the most obvious and most often brought up trade target for Cleveland, Redd was one of the most talented players to ever play for the Buckeyes and helped take them to the Final Four and plays with LeBron on the USA National Team. His defense and team-playerability (fake word) may be questionable, but the one thing Micheal Redd is is a scoring machine. This, of course, would be a welcome addition to The James Gang because the area in which The Gang is most greatly lacking is scoring (or really anything helpful) from the shooting guard position. There is really no downside to getting Michael Redd for the Cavs. The problem is twofold: 1) Anderson Varejao is undoubtedly involved in the potential trade and he is rumored to have nixed it (something he loses the ability to do before the trade deadline). Problem number 2) Milwaukee might actually have the delusion that a team of Michael Redd, Mo Williams, and Richard Jefferson isn't still horrible. This could cause The Bucks to hold onto Redd if they think they will be contenders in the Eastern Conference this year (which they will not). Both these problems could easily be solved by making this trade at the trading deadline which I expect to happen if nothing else happens for the Cavs before then.
2) Monta Ellis
This an interesting idea but, no matter how much I think about it, it never seems like a very good one. Ellis is a guy who scores a lot, but is tiny and will be overpaid throughout his career. I know Cleveland is in need of scoring, but this team is shaping up to be a team based on athleticism, defense, strength, and overall bigness. The Lakers in the finals were overwhelmed by the bigger, stronger, less European Celtics. The Eastern Conference seems to be figuring out that overpowering the West is the best way to beat them, and I think that's where the Cavs want to be headed. Acquiring a mouse-like shooting guard is not a step in that direction.
3) Vince Carter
I hate this idea and anyone who thinks it's even reasonable. I know he'll be traded for cheap and was once a great athlete, but he's cheap because he's useless. Vince Carter is not a bad person, but he is indifferent to winning. A team trying to mean business does not want Vince Carter. He's also old. There's nothing about this I don't hate.
4) J.R. Smith
I can't say I like this idea at all either. People have said they believe that J.R. could be LeBron's second banana, but I don't see it. I have many problems with this guy. First, he is on the Nuggets, and what's more, he looks like he belongs on the Nuggets. This Denver team is one of the dumbest, most unlikable teams I've ever seen and I would not trade for anybody on it (unless he had a David Lee vibe where he clearly hated playing on that team). Second, Smith's actions on the court show no direction or focus on any real goal, a little like Vince. J.R. is a streak shooter and above average athlete and that seems to be it. Third, I would not trade Delonte West or Boobie Gibson for him even though he might be a more productive player than both of them and here is why: Delonte and Boobie have rolls and play them, I would say, very well. All Boobie and West are asked to do is be solid outside shooters and be able to get the offense started (pass to LeBron immediately), but they do it. J.R. would be asked to be a high volume consistent scorer and second best player and starting shooting guard. I feel that Smith would be a disappointment at those tasks and therefore, is not worth getting because people who can fill those rolls do, in fact, exist.
Some of these trades I like and some of them I very much dislike. The only two I would be truly happy about are Michael Redd or Ron Artest, but I would have to say that I prefer Artest because of his defense, history of winning (ignoring his history of violence), and the fact that he, somewhat shockingly, is the samg age as Redd. And the fact is, if anyone belongs in Cleveland (big "if"), it's Ron.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
First Prediction: Baseball
I just read my first post and it is truly terrible. I am really a bad writer. Here are my predictions for the playoff participants of the 2008 MLB Season.
Disclaimer: I am a fan of the Cleveland Indians, so if my opinions about that particular team or the AL Central seem oddly emotional, that is why.
AL West: LA Angels
There are three teams above .500 in this division. One of them (Oakland) just traded away its entire pitching staff and the other (Texas) never had a pitching staff. It's always a fun time when your team plays the Rangers because there are at least 5 home runs per game in Texas Stadium, but that really is not a recipe for a playoff team.
AL Central: Chicago White Sox
This one is difficult to pick because neither team at the top is that great...I just love Ozzie Guillen. I do not think the Tigers are really up to the challenge because of their shaky-at-best pitching staff and their bad karma lineup. The only guy on the team I don't hate is Curtis Granderson. Honestly though, who likes Gary Sheffield?? Nobody.
AL East: Tampa Bay Rays
The hat trick of front runners. A gutless start to my life as a fake analyst, but I don't think I could sleep at night betting against the Rays. It seems like they'll either keep it together and win the division or completely fall apart and miss the playoffs and I'm crossing my fingers for them to hold on. Sidenote: I'm sick of people saying, "We always count the Yankees out but they keep coming back!!" They've been out of contention for the World Series for a while. Just because they make a run in a division that is still afraid of them doesn't mean they proved us wrong. In recent years, their lack of good starting pitching and ability to be shut down by good young starters has killed them just like everyone thought it would. When someone asks, "What is happening to the Yankees this year?" The answer is, "They are not a good team."
AL Wild Card: Boston Red Sox
The Sox are going to be the favorites to win the World Series for a while because they have such a good balance of young guys and frighteningly clutch veterans, but even if you're the best team, it's hard to win the World Series every year. They seem to not like each other as much this season which is troubling. Plus, didn't Jason Veritek make the All Star team?? Talk about bad karma. Jason Veritek is not an All Star...he isn't even a good player. Sometimes I just want to punch the city of Boston in the face.
NL West: Arizona Diamondbacks
It hurts to even pick a team out of this division. I'm going with Brandon Webb and Dan Haren but jeez...I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
I want to pick Milwaukee for this division but I just can't. I'm still waiting for St. Louis to finally break down and admit that they aren't a good team. Why isn't it happening? I think my distrust for the Chicago Cubs come out in my playoff picks. Sidenote: Why don't the Houston Astros move to the AL West? It's getting hard to defend baseball when the leagues have different rules and a different amount of teams.
NL East: NY Mets
I'm putting my trust in my Mets-fan-friend Matt Redd. Frankly, I'm sick of the Phillies and their MVPs. It's stupid.
NL Wild Card: Milwaukee Brewers
I think C.C. Sabathia is the best player in the National League.
There you have it.
Disclaimer: I am a fan of the Cleveland Indians, so if my opinions about that particular team or the AL Central seem oddly emotional, that is why.
AL West: LA Angels
There are three teams above .500 in this division. One of them (Oakland) just traded away its entire pitching staff and the other (Texas) never had a pitching staff. It's always a fun time when your team plays the Rangers because there are at least 5 home runs per game in Texas Stadium, but that really is not a recipe for a playoff team.
AL Central: Chicago White Sox
This one is difficult to pick because neither team at the top is that great...I just love Ozzie Guillen. I do not think the Tigers are really up to the challenge because of their shaky-at-best pitching staff and their bad karma lineup. The only guy on the team I don't hate is Curtis Granderson. Honestly though, who likes Gary Sheffield?? Nobody.
AL East: Tampa Bay Rays
The hat trick of front runners. A gutless start to my life as a fake analyst, but I don't think I could sleep at night betting against the Rays. It seems like they'll either keep it together and win the division or completely fall apart and miss the playoffs and I'm crossing my fingers for them to hold on. Sidenote: I'm sick of people saying, "We always count the Yankees out but they keep coming back!!" They've been out of contention for the World Series for a while. Just because they make a run in a division that is still afraid of them doesn't mean they proved us wrong. In recent years, their lack of good starting pitching and ability to be shut down by good young starters has killed them just like everyone thought it would. When someone asks, "What is happening to the Yankees this year?" The answer is, "They are not a good team."
AL Wild Card: Boston Red Sox
The Sox are going to be the favorites to win the World Series for a while because they have such a good balance of young guys and frighteningly clutch veterans, but even if you're the best team, it's hard to win the World Series every year. They seem to not like each other as much this season which is troubling. Plus, didn't Jason Veritek make the All Star team?? Talk about bad karma. Jason Veritek is not an All Star...he isn't even a good player. Sometimes I just want to punch the city of Boston in the face.
NL West: Arizona Diamondbacks
It hurts to even pick a team out of this division. I'm going with Brandon Webb and Dan Haren but jeez...I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
I want to pick Milwaukee for this division but I just can't. I'm still waiting for St. Louis to finally break down and admit that they aren't a good team. Why isn't it happening? I think my distrust for the Chicago Cubs come out in my playoff picks. Sidenote: Why don't the Houston Astros move to the AL West? It's getting hard to defend baseball when the leagues have different rules and a different amount of teams.
NL East: NY Mets
I'm putting my trust in my Mets-fan-friend Matt Redd. Frankly, I'm sick of the Phillies and their MVPs. It's stupid.
NL Wild Card: Milwaukee Brewers
I think C.C. Sabathia is the best player in the National League.
There you have it.
It Begins.
At this point in my blogging career, I'd like to say 'hello' to all my readers (hey Glenn). This stupid thing will, for now, be a place for me to keep record of my sports predictions to see how well I would do if I were gambling on everything. Also, I hope to taunt my friend John Glenn (see above) into creating his own version of "Buddies' Bullshit." For example: "Glenn's Homosexual Fantasies," or, "John Glenn: American Treasure (Glenn being known as an "American Treasure" is a "joke" stolen from a member of the legendary Grey Till Frisbee Organization)."
Another possible use for this is to see what would happen if you had a sports talk show (or column) where you were allowed to make disgusting comparisons and use "the F-word" as much as you like. I've always wondered if that would be more fun since in real sports conversations, the F-word gets a lot of work in. That probably won't happen.
The real reason this atrocity now exists is because I am trying to fool ESPN into thinking my passion lies in journalism so they'll give me an internship. This might get tricky however, seeing as how many of my beefs with the sports world are about ESPN and how much it has become the MTV of sports. Whatever.
Another possible use for this is to see what would happen if you had a sports talk show (or column) where you were allowed to make disgusting comparisons and use "the F-word" as much as you like. I've always wondered if that would be more fun since in real sports conversations, the F-word gets a lot of work in. That probably won't happen.
The real reason this atrocity now exists is because I am trying to fool ESPN into thinking my passion lies in journalism so they'll give me an internship. This might get tricky however, seeing as how many of my beefs with the sports world are about ESPN and how much it has become the MTV of sports. Whatever.
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