Throwin' the Hamma Down!

I wish I could make "Eye of the Tiger" play for this intro. Just hum it.

I can’t believe you all made it an entire year without me guest-blogging without riots in the streets or falling into a collective coma. Well, I’m glad you all survived, but more than a little hurt that you didn’t leave hate comments on Kevin’s blog or his twitter begging for more of my blog entries. Here's how I initially reacted. But I got over it and wrote a kick-ass blog.

Comments should go in the comments section or www.twitter.com/mean_gracie or www.twitter.com/buddiesbullshit.

For those of you who didn’t read last year’s (i.e. if you just got out of prison or actually did just wake up from a coma) here’s how it works:

At the beginning of the playoffs, I rank every player on the Cavs' roster in order of who I want to marry most. Number 15 I would marry if there was some kind of nuclear holocaust, and number 1 I would marry tomorrow no questions asked. Well, I might as one or two questions (i.e. “Do you like cheese?”), but basically a wedding would immediately follow the initial meeting.

LET’S DO IT!

15.) Sebastian Telfair. No surprise here. First of all, he was kind of a confusing addition in mid-February in our big Antawn move. But now I understand: we were planning on resting everyone awesome on our team for the last four games, and needed SOMEONE to be on the court. The good news here is, he makes the top 5 for “Most Awesome Names on the Cavs”. He probably doesn’t even know it’s from Shakespeare.

14.) Jawad Williams. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jawad is not a name. It’s not even mashing two named together. What would those names be? Jason and…Wad? The point is, I would never say, “Have you met my husband, Jawad?”

13.) Anthony Parker. He’s getting old. Now, I know some people are higher than him on the list that are older than him, but to be fair: they are much, much better than him, AND they are much, much more often answers on Sporcle, which, as we all know, is the true measure of success. He does already have a kid, which is a selling point. But…that kid is 8. The cuteness to age ratio is notoriously high (i.e. one year old/100 cuteness), so I mean, that kid is pushing it. Even if he is black.

12.) Leon Powe. I’m going to be honest here. Leon was going to be number 14. Then I read about his life and remembered that ESPN special from like two years ago, and honestly, his life is shitty enough without coming in that low on my list. Imagine every terrible thing that could happen to you in your life. All of those things happened to Powe before middle school. So, Leon Powe, congratulations, you made the top 80%. Chin up, kid.

11.) Danny Green. Well, listen, Danny was pretty good on Cavaliers Family Feud, but nowhere near the most hilarious. His Feud skills got him this high, but the fact that his dad had 400-something pounds of cocaine in his possession is not okay. I want my kid to call their grandpa “Pappy” not “Who’s that man not wearing any pants?” I also don’t need any kind of cocaine-baby powder mix-up. I just don’t.

10.) Jamario Moon. It may seem a little surprising that Jamario is this high. Most of it is that when Bron didn’t play these last few games, Jamario did the chalk toss AND threw the hammer down. In the immortal words of Austin Carr, “If at first you don’t succeed, you throw the hammer down.”

9.) Anderson Varajao. Slipping down one spot from last year. Mostly because I still don’t believe his hair is clean and it has to have gotten dirtier in a year.

8.) Antawn Jamison. Okay, new addition to the team, vital to the championship bid. Also, hilarious that it was a typo that led his name to being “Antawn”.

7.) Daniel Gibson. I know, I know, Boobie fell a significant three spots. The thing is, he just had a baby with Keshia Cole, and I’m pretty sure that girl can take me. I mean, I’m scrappy, but why fight when I can have someone whose playing time wasn’t cut by like, a million percent? Still adorbs though.

6.) Zydrunas Ilgauskus. Z. Moving up four spots. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” TRUTH.

5.) J.J. Hickson. I’m still confused about his name being JJ, but JJ not being his initials. However, he was on the winning team on the Feud, did great in fast money (minus saying “Rogaine” for a profession) and I almost had a heart attack when he was on the trading block. Sheesh.

4.) Delonte West. Delonte just keeps moving up. Holding a toothbrush during the Feud? Classic. We can be OCD together. I know he had a rough year/life with all the guns, etc, but, all I can say is (and, LITERALLY, all he can say is), “get the money”.

3.) Mo Williams. Mo, sliding down one spot. This is not because I love him any less. Love the Godfather theme song. Love Mo, but…

2.) Shaquille O’Neal. I mean, c’mon…KAZAAM. Movie star and basketball star?! Bring it. Bring. It.

1.) LeBron James. Who else could it possibly be? Adorable little kids, awesome sneakers…and, oh yeah, the best player in the world. I bet he will let me wear his gold medal.