From Safety to Where?

For last year's trading deadline, I went with something like "Tradin' Times," the goofiest title possible with minimal effort. This time, having listened to a lot of Joy Division (possibly the most depressing band in the history of mankind) recently, went with one of their song titles. In case you're wondering, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and the status quot is safety and a possible trade is the unknown. I thought it was pretty good so you can all kiss my ass (especially Bowl) if you don't like it.

Around this time of year (the trade deadline) it's really just sad when one of my teachers tries to give me an assignment.

"Oh really? You want me to interview a native Spanish speaker? Ohhhh, I'll dive headfirst into that one."

I'm fully invested in way more important things, like Brian Windhorst's twitter page and writing a five-minute stand up comedy segment (see sidebar).

Which, of course, brings us to why we're all here: NBA TRADE DEADLINE OMGZZZ!!! You all know how I feel bad for Zydrunas Ilguaskas suffering such an indignity by being tossed around in every trade rumor that involves the Cavs in the year they finally have a title that really is there's for the taking. Nobody in the national media is aware of this, but Zydrunas is a huge part of this season of dominance. It's a cliche' to see a tall guy and say, "Hey! You should play basketball!! Har har!!!" but the fact is, having two guys who easily are over 7 feet tall who are quite skilled for their size who also have completely different styles of play is SUCH A HUGE LUXURY THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT ANY OTHER WAY OTHER THAN TO PUT THIS HALF OF THE SENTENCE IN ALL CAPS. And while any penniless shitty team the Cavs give him to will have no reason NOT to buy him out, but it's still a kick in the crotch to the most loyal Cavalier of all time.

But anyway, who the hell cares? Trades are fun to blog about so let's lay 'em down!

• Amare Stoudemire (Phoenix Suns)

Let's get this one out of the way.

What do we know about Amare Stoudemire?

1. He's a pretty spectacular athlete that can't help but dunk everything at a position where the Cavs are relatively weak scoring-wise (nice!).

2. He came out of high school, keeps getting weird injuries and can't guard Anderson Varejao 1-on-1 (hmmm.....keep talkin'.)

3. He loves attention and always wants to be in the same discussion as LeBron, Wade, etc. and his team wants to trade him even though he's just entering his prime.

Alright, hold the phone!!

That's it, we're done. If you think it's OK to challenge LeBron's supremacy, you are off the team and not an option. Period.

• Antawn Jamison (Washington Wizards)

We've been through this for over a year now, but what an absolute dream come true it would be to have this guy on the Cavs. Doesn't rock the boat, cuts well, shoots well, rebounds well, defends, well...poorly...but you can't win 'em all, and the Cavs have hid mediocre defensive players in the past. How could you stop that team from scoring? Well, you wouldn't. I happen to like this idea.

Here's the problem: The Cavs beat the Wizards' asses so hard and so many times, that the Wizards are hesitant to help the Cleveland in any way. As an unbiased observer, I'm not sure "spite" is a cornerstone of how successful businesses are run. As a completely biased Cavs fan, these fuckers continue to be the world's dumbest franchise (and I watch the Bengals every Sunday).

Look around the league Wizards...what do you see? Who are the surprise teams in the NBA? Oklahoma City and Memphis. I think it's almost fair to say, at this point, that the Pau Gasol trade WORKED OUT for the Grizzlies. Sure, they probably could have gotten a little more for him and they could have not gift wrapped Kobe another title he didn't deserve, but they're a good team now. Isn't that the goal, idiots? You go all out one way or you hang out in mediocrity and keep pulling guns on each other. In addition, as my friend Matt might say, the Wiz are giving Antawn Jamison a big ol' D in the B by not trading him to the Cavs. Imagine the Washington management letting the deadline pass and going back to Jamison and being like, "We really stuck it to those Cavs, huh?!?!" Jamison: "Yeah..." And then them both watching Cleveland win the title without him. Oooouuuuchh.

To straighten out any confusion that ESPN's rumor mill might be spreading, Antawn Jamison DOES want out of Washington...everyone does (this is, of course, according to Brian Windhorst. I have no sources...YET).

To clarify, I am NOT giving up J.J. Hickson in this theoretical deal. I'll swap a first for a second rounder or something but there is no reason I should give you anything more than a pick and cash extra. You're fucked either way, I'm great either way...good luck negotiating.

• Troy Murphy (Indiana Pacers)

A relatively poor person's Jamison. Not as good at anything. Not even as cool of a guy. Absolutely nothing more than Z and a Z buyout. I guess I might give up one of our horrible picks, but Hickson remains.

• Andre Igoudala (Philadelphia 76ers)
  

TOTALLY out of left field.

Bowl and I disagreed about one issue regarding Igoudala. I said, if I could have any player in the league for free to compliment LeBron James, I would take Brandon Roy. Roy compliments James in so many ways. He's a leader without an ego, he's smart, he occupies a different part of the halfcourt than LeBron, he's a fantastic shooter and a clutch player. This list is endless.

Bowl loved Igoudala which is sort of in the vein of one of my own sports theories that has no name. I can explain it the easiest by giving an example:

Let's say you're the Baltimore Ravens and you have a great defense, a decent running game, bad receivers and a jerkoff at quarterback. In the off season, you could spend you money and energy looking to upgrade your quarterback from a jerkoff (Kyle Boller) to a random asshole (someone like Jake Delhomme or Kyle Orton), upgrade your WRs from terrible to medium...OR (where the theory comes in) you could draft, sign, and trade for MORE defensive players and just have the most kick ass murderous defense that has ever existed and everyone you play is terrified to even attempt to move the ball and people start considering punting on first down against you. It's not always the best thing to do probably, but it's always fun to think about. The Ravens won a Super Bowl this way.

That's kind of how I see Bowl's point of view here.

Apparently, the 76ers called the Cavs about this deal. What it sounds like is that they are trying to get someone to take Sam Dalembert off their hands by throwing in Igoudala who is fantastic. The reason he fits the theory is that he sort of plays shooting guard even though he can't shoot. But, he is very likely the best defensive shooting guard in the NBA especially if he didn't have to worry about carrying some crappy Philly team offensively every game. Dalembert is also a pretty solid defensive player as well even though I've never liked him and his contract is sickening. Also, the Cavs would most likely have to give up JJ Hickson in this deal which would leave their future at big man super shaky, as well as a few other perimeter role players.

It's weird when you're looking for a cheap but good upgrade at one position and someone calls up offering a former All Star not yet in his prime at a position you also need with a five year contract.

Let me go off on a tangent for a second.

This Cavs team is constructed as follows:

The best player in the leauge, a title which somehow does not do LeBron James justice. A superconsistent big man in Shaq (being relieved by another consistent old giant who happens to do the exact opposite stuff offensively). A hot/cold scorer at point guard in Mo Williams who, at times, it a hugely clutch shooter. And after that, it's a mass of quirky as hell role players who are all tailored to play with LeBron James and who are all vastly underrated in the eye of the public. I don't have the NBA historical chops to know if this way to construct a team is weird or not, but it seems weird. I've always wanted to compare it to Isiah's Pistons but I really don't remember those teams. It just seems like a gang-leader and his cronies.

The point is, I'm not sure the Cavs need a "Pippen." I'm not sure it's wrong to construct your team this way. Look at what has happened recently. Mo Williams and Delonte West got hurt a few weeks ago. Because the team is so deep and the parts seem so interchangeable (and because LeBron makes up for everyone's shortcomings so beautifully), a few things were adjusted and all the holes were filled and the team hasn't lost since the injuries. The Cavs are like the NBA version of Wolverine. They just heal themselves from within. So, with that said, I'm not sure it's necessary to trade that depth and a future quality big man just to be like every other team and base it around two perimeter stars. Frankly, I don't like that construction for a team. Jordan and Pippen were pretty unique players....let's not forget that.

And so, at the end of the day, I'm not making this deal as it stands (or as I suspect it stands). Absolutely nothing against Andre Igoudala. I like him and I think his personality would fit in fine with this team, I just don't want to trade all of our big man depth AND some of our guard depth AND accept a huge contract for a borderline stiff.

I'm sorry, but Jamison or nothing is the deal.