The Greatest Thing You Will Ever Read

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT IT'S GRACE ARE YOU EXCITED?!

Every season when it gets to playoff time and someone who we actually like (limited spots, none available) makes it, Kev and I play a little game Buddies has affectionately named “GB’s Power Rankings”. Basically, it is the order of how the players stack up as marriage material. For me. Because I’m going to marry LeBron James and Grady Sizemore. I know you’ve all been waiting for this year’s NBA playoff list, so here it is:

15. Lorenzen Wright. Coming in last with a score of 0.000, all I have to say is, why does he exist?

14. Jawad Williams. A solid runner up for “just on the team to watch LeBron”.

13. Tarance Kinsey. His college mascot was the gamecock and his accomplishments to date are two NIT Championships. Subpar.

12. Sasha Pavlovic. Have you seen him? Also, used to play for the Jazz, the only mascot gayer than the gamecocks.

11. Darnell Jackson. Is he ever going to stop talking about Kansas? Where even is Kansas? It may as well be in Canada as little as I care about it.

10. Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I love Z. He just isn’t marriage material. A. He looks like an alien. B. He is in alien.

9. Joe Smith. Poster child for Not Living Up to Your Potential. Yeah right, my kids aren’t going number one in the draft and then taking a ten year nap. Metaphorically. My kids will be winners.

8. Anderson Varejao. There is no way that hair is clean.

7. JJ Hickson. JJ is not a name. It’s not even his initals. His middle name is Edward. This man is obviously severely confused. However, he is above the halfway mark, lookin’ pretty good.

6. Ben “Brittle Bones” Wallace. My kids will know the importance of calcium and drink their milk so they don’t miss the NBA playoffs with some kind of stupid injury. Also he looks like when he goes home at night, he goes home to prison. He’s still at number 6 though, cause he’s awes.

5. Delonte West. This year’s Most Improved, jumping up six spots since I found out he carries body wash around with him.

4. Daniel Gibson. Friggin’ adorable. Also, has the most hilarious nickname.

3. Wally Szczerbiak. First of all, he already has cute little kids I can steal, nice. Second of all, what an awesome name. The only other famous Wally I can think of is the voice of Underdog. We’ve got a corner on the market.

2. Mo Williams. I mean, duh. He’s the next best thing to LBJ, plus he is BFFs with him. Just working my way up.

1. LeBron James. Okay, this is obvious. He is totally awesome, plus he has adorable little kids, plus he is totally awesome, plus….awesome.

Thank you and good night.

Buddies' Comments:

First of all, one thing that makes this broad unique is that she is ranking these people on how good of marriage material they are but she actually watches the games. This explains why it almost lists the players in order of average minutes (not quite) but it doesn't explain some of my confusions:

1. I cannot believe Ben Wallace is number 6, I think I need further explanation on this. I love Ben Wallace, I loved him even when he was on the Pistons, but I'm not sure what part of his personality or looks or even his current contribution to the team you are enamored with. You even call him "Brittle Bones!" Confused.

2. Why is Darnell Jackson so low? I understand he doesn't get paid much, but he seems like an intelligent and good enough looking guy to crack the single digits. He's also a guy who has shown some promise on the court and clearly won't get paid very much so he'll probably be on the team for a long time. Gotta look at longevity.

3. Same thing for Joe Smith. It's not his fault he was the first pick (even though I bet the Warriors wish they would have snagged Garnett...or even 'Sheed). He's a nice looking guy without the youth, but plenty of money. Again, behind Ben Wallace? And behind a guy whose hair you suspect is dirty (this is a big deal for Gracie)? I don't get it.

4. The worst thing about this list is that Sasha Pavlovic isn't last. He's dumb, he's a smoker, he's dirty looking, he's foreign, and most importantly, he sucks. Sasha is literally the last player on this team left over from the dysfunctional era. This idiot probably won't be on the team next year so I don't know what you're getting with putting him 12th. Kinsey, Wright and especially Jawad Williams all seem to be much better options than this asshole.

Those are all my gripes, thanks.

SPECIAL NOTE: For all the ladies out there (like there are any...), I linked pictures of these dudes to their names, so feel free to send in your own rankings. Thanks.