Football Thoughts and Preview

There are a few NFL issues that I thought I might as well say something about. I painted my Grandma's house today (actual word) and am tired, so expect a low-effort post here...as I hope you always do.

1. Brett Favre is back for yet another year of ridiculocity (totally a word) and I actually like it this time. Last year, he was ruining the career of a young QB and ruining the season of an up-and-coming team while making his non-decisions and then joined a team he couldn't even help anyway (Chad Pennington had a better season than him last year!!!!).

This time? No real stakes. He's joining a team who is good at everything other than Quarterbacking and Coaching who plays in a dome and will now probably like to go deep a little more with A LOT more success. Also, it's not like he is stunting the growth of two promising QBs in Minnessota. Sage Rosenfels is one of those guys who is capable of winning games but occasionally (a bit TOO occasionally...) collapses into a turnover circus and Tarvaris Jackson is just bad.

Also, in your face, Packers.

Side note: I've always liked and rooted for both the Packers and Brett Favre, but since I've met and conversed with a few Packers fans, I have gotten the feeling that they feel pretty superior and are quite irrational. Why are there Packers fans in Ohio? I'm now, anti-Packers and rooting for the Vikings in those games. Happy?

2. Plaxico Burress is having a bad summer.

The topic of interest seems to be whether this sentence is too long or not. Here is my opinion:

Not only is this sentence too long, I believe it is unquestionably a less egregious moral crime to carry an unlicensed gun and accidentally shooting yourself in the leg than to sentence the man who did that to two years in prison.

Plaxico Burress did the equivalent to drunk driving in my mind. He put himself in a situation where he was more likely to hurt himself or others with no intent to do either and ended up doing the former. The appropriate penalty for this is infinite hours of community service and a 4-game suspension. But now, a good guy and a Super Bowl hero, whose daughter will be born while he is in prison (I heard), is going to jail for 2 years. No matter what card you play to defend yourself Plaxico...race, fame...it's legitimate.

THE THING

If there was any confusion, "THE THING" is the football preview...what else?

By the way, I'm aware I'm writing my NFL Preview the day it begins...I also am aware that I am picking up my HDTV at 4 O'clock on opening day as well. Get off my back.

AFC

AFC North

Going clockwise. Here we go.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Anything is possible in the NFL (within reason) but the smart money has to be on one of these two teams (Steelers or Ravens). Both of these teams are no fun to play in the playoffs but Pitt has it's offensive shit together better than the Flacco-led Ravens. I am giving them the nod in that match up.

Buddies Blankets: None

2. Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco is fine...BUT...there's a group of quarterbacks who you're watching and you're thinking, "This guy is alright," but deep down you know that you don't trust him throwing anything between 8 yards and 30 yards (anyone can throw a deep ball, some better than others of course). Flacco, as of now, is in that group. Other than that: Good defense, coach, running backs, uniforms, etc.

Blankets: None

3. Cincinnati Bengals

I can talk myself into these guys all I want and I really won't get anywhere. It's full of the same guys who can't figure out how to win. "Hard Knocks" has shown me that Marvin isn't a terrible coach, but he's trying to turn around an Indian Burial Ground team. Everything bad happens to them if at all possible. If you're wondering what an Indian Burial Ground team is, it's the opposite of the Steelers. Get it?

Blankets: J.T. O'Sullivan (embarrassing)

I'm hoping for 7-9.

4. Cleveland Browns

With Brady Quinn at the helm, Cleveland's range of wins has narrowed. There won't be as many deep balls or interceptions thrown. I like the decision because you're not going anywhere with Derek Anderson. He's unstable and weak. At least Brady Quinn shows some discretion with his throws. Oh yeah, this team sucks.

Blankets: Josh Cribbs

AFC EAST

1. New England Patriots

This is already boring. I have put New England and Pittsburgh on top of their divisions. No comment.

Blankets: None

2. Miami Dolphins

I am completely indifferent to the rest of the teams in the division but I'm going with the Dolphins basically because of Bill Parcells.

Blankets: Davone Bess

3. NY Jets

The only reason they aren't last is because I think their coach is decent and I think the Bills are a buncha crap.

If it isn't clear already, there is no analysis in this part, only predictions and stupid stuff. Enjoy it.

Blankets: Jerricho Cotchery, Darrelle Revis

4. Buffalo Bills

T.O. can go straight to hell...or get hurt....would be good.

Blankets: Fred Jackson, Marshawn Lynch

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

I don't love picking this division. This was one of the worst teams in the league last season but stranger things have happened. As I'm typing this, I'm thinking about whether I should put Houston in this first spot or dead last. NO idea...

Blankets: None

2. Tennessee Titans

I don't even know what's happening right now. These teams are all good but not good enough to be in first and all have problems...does somebody have to win? I'm lost.

Blankets: Justin Gage, Michael Griffin, Bo Scaife

3. Houston Texans

Really good offense. Ready to break out. Quarterback gets hurt too much. Can't win away from home. What am I supposed to do with this shit?

Blankets: Kevin Walter

4. Indianapolis Colts

Did I just put the Colts to finish last in their division? Well, whatever.

Blankets: None

AFC WEST

1. San Diego Chargers

This is the worst division. I bet the Chargers drop one to Kansas City for no reason this year but otherwise do OK in this division and otherwise. BOOOOORINNGGG.

Blankets: None

2. Kansas City Chiefs

KC could have a mildly exciting offense but they just don't have any talent. Second place in this division is all about who wants it and I think KC will try.

Blankets: Jamaal Charles

3. Oakland Raiders

Again, this team has no idea what's going on, but they won a few games last season that nobody seemed to notice. If Asamlafuaoguuugahaa comes back, they can win five games or so WHICH WILL DEFINITELY GET THEM OUT OF THE BASEMENT IN THE AFC WEST.

Blankets: None

4. Denver Broncos

This is what they get for the Jay Cutler Fiasco. Lousy.

Blankets: None

NFC NORTH

1. Chicago Bears

Once you my fantasy team, you'll know that I have bought stock in this team.

It has recently come to my attention (from a Packers' fan) that the Bears' defense "isn't that good." Whatever. You're taking a decent team from last year, giving the running back another year and replacing a horrible quarterback with a really good one. I have no problem with this.

Blankets: Jay Cutler, Matt Forte, Lance Briggs, Brad Maynard

2. Green Bay Packers

Everyone loves the Packers and Aaron Rodgers and they (both) do seem pretty explosive. I'm just not convinced that either one has any direction or focus or knows how to finish games because they were explosive last year and were 6-10.

Blankets: None

3. Minnesota Vikings

I guess I'm betting against Brett Favre and I KNOW that I'm betting against Brad Childress and I'm nervous about betting against Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen but somethings good teams get third place in a division with three good teams.

Blankets: Chad Greenway

4. Detroit Lions

Bad.

Here are my thoughts about the quarterback situation:

It doesn't matter who you start right now. You will not win more than 2 games in this season (in all likelihood). You can start Culpepper and then bring in Stafford when you're ready or start Stafford, but one thing you cannot do is this: DO NOT START STAFFORD AND THEN PULL HIM AND THEN PULL HIM. That is what doesn't work.

Obviously Stafford will be a disaster but that whole team is a disaster so who cares. If you don't think your quarterback can handle going 2-14 in his first season, then he's not a good quarterback.

Blankets: None

NFC EAST

1. Philadelphia Eagles

This team is always so good, I don't understand why they can't keep it together. I think their WRs are much improved from the shit-show they are used to and they might in in Westbrook's last year with his replacement up and coming. It looks good.

Blankets: Trent Cole

2. Washington Redskins

I can't believe I'm doing this but I feel like they aren't bad and they always do better than they are. I was about to put them third so it makes sense that they would finish second.

Blankets: None

3. New York Giants

No Plax is a problem but they are still quite good. Eli Manning is still Eli Manning even though he won a Super Bowl and that's not horrible, but he's not a Hall of Famer. It is what it is.

Blankets: None

4. Dallas Cowboys

This is shamelessly full of hate. Dallas Cowboys? Fuck 'em.

Blankets: Jason Witten

NFC SOUTH

1. Atlanta Falcons

They seem to have a good coach, quarterback, running back, receiver, tight end...I don't know much about their defense but it all looks right to me.

Blankets: Roddy White

2. Carolina Panthers

I hate these guys because Jake Delhomme is an embarrassment to humanity, but I don't trust the Saints.

Blankets: None

3. New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees' history shows that he is the king of the high stats/low wins quarterbacks. I like him, but come on. Make the friggin' playoffs.

Blankets: None

4. Tampa Bay Bucs

Who is their quarterback? Seriously, I have no idea. Is it Luke McCown? Is he even on their team? Is he even a person?

Blankets: Cadillac Williams

NFC WEST

1. Seattle Seahawks

This is a division where none of the teams are great and that's why they rotate so often. The Seahawks are going to outmatch their schedule this season and win this division.

Blankets: None

2. Arizona Cardinals

Super Bowl losers that were never that good to begin with.

Blankets: Darnell Dockett, Neil Rackers, Chris Wells

3. San Francisco 49ers

I love this coach. I still think Glen Coffee is a fantasy extreme sleeper.

Blankets: Shaun Hill

4. St. Louis Rams

I just don't care anymore.

Blankets: None

I'm gonna go get a TV so I can watch stuff instead of type stuff.